Hello my lovelies, how are you all doing? I hope you didn't miss me too much over the past six days. I have been thinking of you all, and hoping that you're finding the light at the end of the tunnel.
It was one heck of a week for me, my feelings were flying round like a cloud of gnats, and I wanted a bit of time to reflect and get my head together. Thank you so much to those of you who emailed to say that you didn't think the blog was showing off, the encouragement really helped.
So... last week was a week of big changes. For some reason, at the moment, I am not very good at change. The first weekend back after the start of the school term was tough for me, as I think I said before, because I slipped straight back into 'Mum' and, for the first time since the start of the summer holidays, I didn't make any allowances for the illness. That was a mistake and I started the week feeling somewhat overwrought.
Monday and Tuesday I had Charlie at home with me full time - it sounds like nothing, but I have not looked after him from 6am to 7pm on my own for a long time. He was full of beans because he was excited about starting school, prone to emotional outbursts and, if I admit it, a bit naughty because he, too, was overwrought. I was depressed and needing peace and quiet! Not a great combination, you'll have to admit.
Monday we went out to a few shops - Asda, McDonalds, we took some old clothes to the charity shop and by the time I got home and did the housework (why?!) I had done too much. Tuesday I could barely get off the sofa, and felt horribly, awfully guilty for squandering Charlie's last day at home with me. I spent a lot of the time in tears, including the evening when I cried in bed. Dom was shocked and worried, but wonderfully patient.
Wednesday was the big day. Charlie was so excited I thought he would burst. I was really anxious about taking him to this new institution, nervous about what to do and where to go, worried on his behalf, sad that he was leaving the nest, excited for myself and my new freedom - a whole muddle of feelings. Anyway, suffice to say he was fine, in fact he's had a lovely time. And I have quickly got used to my new routine. Shall I share a picture? He is a very good Reason To Be Proud this week.
I have been trying to gain inspiration from my little man - he's taking on the world because he's not worrying about too much at once. I could do the same. Good enough is good enough, nothing has to be perfect. So I thought I would share with you some of the things bringing me happiness at the moment, if not because it balances the days when I am having to run through in my head the list of reasons I should not want to die.
You may wonder why I seem to gravitate toward the homemade/craft blogs. As well as being something that I love doing, and just.... well, I can't express it easily... feels right and as though it will help me get better, I am in awe of those wonderful women, so full of character life and creativity. I need their warm domesticity, I guess I need to be mothered myself. And I also want to me that sort of mother.
So, here are some things I have been proud of doing this week.
Look - cables and shaping! I mastered short rows! Yeee-haw! I'll ignore the fact that I have been knitting this jumper since May, that this part literally took weeks and, when I sewed the whole thing up the gauge was wrong and the jumper made me look like Barbapapa. Who cares, when you've made something curved, with cables?! <does happy dance> I am making it into something funky, so watch this space....
I invented a recipe! These are lemon and honey flapjacks and, believe me, they are divine. I will post the recipe tomorrow. Made from honey from our very own bees! sadly, the lemons were from Tesco (wouldn't it be lovely to be able to grow those too?)
My fantastic pumpkin patch. We now have pumpkins, squashes, marrows and still the odd courgette. More home-grown vegetable pictures tomorrow, but it feels me with such a thrill to produce food through love and nurture.
I'm going to come out of this depression one day, aren't I? One day I won't have to run through my lists of why I should be alive, or convince myself I won't attempt suicide today. One day, I won't feel stoned on my meds, or spend the day in a fluffy coma on the sofa. One day, I will be able to answer the phone and make calls without blinking an eyelid. One day I will again wear make up, get my hair cut, have a job (career, maybe), smile and not feel as though I am deceving people.
One day soon .... xxxx