I'm a Loser, Baby...

The eagle eyed amongst you might have noticed by my Twitter feed that I've taken up running recently. It's true - don't laugh! Believe me when I say I was about as fat and unfit as they come. When I quietly mentioned that I fancied having a go at running to my nearest and dearest, around the end of December, no-one said much. You could see that, although they didn't want to be unsupportive, they were thinking "yeah, right! I give that a week!" I didn't post on here about it because, if I'm honest, I didn't think I'd keep it up myself. I didn't buy myself any running gear or fancy trainers (for a few weeks, anyway). It just sort of snuck into my life. However, I'm slightly amazed to report that, sixteen weeks later, yes, I am still running three times a week and yes, I am loving it. No-one could be more surprised than me! I now run 5k three times a week, and I'm signed up to do the Hull 10K on the 19th May. I'll be honest, this absolutely terrifies me. Still, it's good to get outside one's comfort zone, yes?

It's all been part of a drive to live a healthier life. There are lots of reasons why I wanted to improve my health, and I'll share those in a future blog post. However, dear God, I wanted to be WELL. 2 years of illness made me realise that health was a precious gift and if I didn't do everything that was within my power to wring the last drops out of life, then I was a fool.

I've been asked to share pictures by lots of people now. I've lost quite a bit of weight. This isn't just from running, I've been consciously eating healthily too - and breastfeeding has helped me, certainly. I've been stuck in a weight loss plateau for the past 5 weeks and, although I am diligently eating healthily and exercising at different levels of intensity 5 days a week, its very frustrating. I've not put these photos together before, so it seemed like it might be a good motivator for me too.

Although I've lost weight, this is part of a journey. I've been losing weight very slowly for 10 months now. I expect I still have another year or more to go. I'm over half way, but this is very much a work in progress. This picture sums that up better than words:

This was me at the start of my journey (July 2012), at the heaviest I've ever been. I only own one photo as I found them all so revolting that I deleted them straight away. My Mum has some on her camera though as she refused to delete them for me. I am hoping that I get my hands on those one day.

This was me in January 2013:

This was me yesterday:

That's 80lb gone for good, or just shy of 6 stones!

I feel better for it in every way imaginable. I just feel more comfortable in my own skin, I'm not afraid of running up stairs or running for a bus or similar. My IBS symptoms have gone - ditto headaches and random aches and pains.

I still have another 4 stones to lose to get to a sensible BMI; I was very overweight. I see this as a work in progress. I've never been a thin adult but this time I am going to nail it, before my 40th in March 2014.

You'll probably be curious as to how I've done it. I could write a whole BLOG about that, its not always been successful and its not always been pretty. In short, there's no secret or trick, I've just eaten healthily and exercised. Eaten less, moved more. However, here are some of the things that have worked for me. They may not work for you; I honestly believe we need to find our own recipe to living a healthy lifestyle.

• I write down everything I eat and drink, without fail. It makes me accountable. I use My Fitness Pal - its free


• I exercise between 3 and 5 times a week. Mainly running, but also swimming, walking, cycling, dancing and weights. I need to exercise to eat the type of food that I want.


• Great music and gripping audiobooks motivate me to exercise.


• I eat a treat every day - biscuits / cakes / chocolate all work for me. In order to do this I exercise and juggle calories from elsewhere. it keeps me motivated.


• I realised I don't like most diet food, so I don't eat it. I just eat a bit less.


• I weigh all my carbs without fail


• I eat wholewheat


• I've mostly given up alcohol. Sweet treats were more important to me. 


• I eat smaller portions - its not as painful as I thought it'd be


• The Hairy Dieters book is BRILLIANT


• I home cook from scratch as often as possible


• I follow healthy eating blogs and I belong to a supportive Facebook group. We all need cheerleaders.


• I give myself days off and don't feel bad about it - this is a lifelong change. I'm not fat because I eat Easter eggs at Easter. I'm fat because I eat a packet of biscuits every day without thinking about it


• It wasn't my willpower that was lacking, it was my ORGANISATION. Meal planning and shopping ahead make healthy eating far more likely


• My tastes are changing the longer I eat healthily. I'm not even that keen on McDonalds these days. This is a very big deal for me.


• I forgive myself if I make poor choices.


• This is controversial - Slimming World didn't really work for me. I lost weight initially but I failed to keep it off (many, many times) because it didn't teach me about portion size. I needed to be more directly connected to calories in order to re-educate myself.

There are more, I'm sure. If anyone wants to add me on My Fitness Pal or Runkeeper, I'm ClaireBoynton. I'm happy to provide encouragement and support.

If you're inspired by this post, please will you consider sponsoring me for the Hull 10K? I'm raising money for the Jane Tomlinson Appeal. She was such an inspirational woman, and a great example of someone who achieved what she set her mind to. The charity does great work in supporting children's and cancer charities - sadly I have known too many people this year who've been diagnosed with cancer - scarily all of them women, and all of them my age. One of them is no longer with us :( 

If you can afford it, £1 would make such a difference. 

https://www.justgiving.com/Claire-Boynton2/

 

With love

 

Claire x

 

 

 

 

The T Shirt Blanket

Well hello, dear reader. How are you? I hope all is well. I'm good, thank you, but busy, busy, busy. I like being busy and this makes me happy. My textiles course is brilliant, and is taking a couple of days per week of my time. At the moment I'm doing lots of work on learning to draw and making marks. Sometimes it's a little frustrating as I'd like to leap ahead to the sewing bit, but I'm realistic enough to know that I need to work on this stage pretty hard; my drawing is terminally rubbish. I'm going to set up a separate blog to track my college work, I think. I'll share a link when it's up and running and, if you're interested, you can pop over and have a look at what I'm doing.

Today I wanted to talk to you about the second of my columns in Handmade Living magazine. It was published in the August edition. It talks about our family days out at Spurn Point.

 

Spurn is an amazing place. It is a spit of land that's slowly being reclaimed by the sea. It is wild and lonely, with raging hot-chocolate coloured tides and sandy beaches peppered with wild sea grass. The skies are massive as the surrounding land is very flat, and the beaches are peppered with long gone coastal defences: well worn bricks, rusted pieces of metal and eroded concrete. We go to take photos and walk and throw stones into the sea. 

I took these pictures at Spurn in 2009. It's amazing how much the boys have changed since then!

Jonny was just a boy, bless him. Now he's tall and muscular and strong. A man. 

I love the texture of Spurn Point. At one point the path narrows, being eroded on both sides, so that the sea is to your left, and the Humber estuary to your right. One side smells briny, and the other brackish.

There is something about the moodiness of that picture of Dom that makes me weak at the knees. He's bemused by this, and his mum thinks it's a dreadful picture. 

 

Charlie is but a baby! He's lost his baby cheeks now, and is a proper, lithe, six year old boy. I miss those chubby baby cheeks.

Last time we went to Spurn there was an unusally high tide. The power of the sea was utterly magnificent. That night part of the road was washed away. Spurn is a land that will be reclaimed to the sea in the next few years - often large chunks disappear overnight. That overpowering feeling of loss and the raw power of nature pervades the place. It forcefully reminds me to live in the present, and to appreciate all the things that I currently hold dear.

In the spirit of this magical land, I wanted to make a beach blanket that was respectful to it's environment, but also provided a base for family adventures. It needed to be cheery and comfortable and practical. 

At the same time, I was sorting out bags of clothes the boys had grown out of, and was trying to find time to take them to the charity shop. Then an idea hit. Why not re-use those fabrics to makes something special?

In order to make a family sized beach blanket, you need several T shirts. I used 17, big and small. As you are knitting in squares, you can knit up a square each time you have some spare fabric - it'll take a while to get enough together to piece the final blanket, but it'll be worth the wait.

Making the yarn

Cut the T shirt across the body under the arms. This should give you a tube of fabric. At the bottom seam, cut into the t shirt at an angle, until the cut is about 2cms deep. Then start to cut the shirt horizontally, 2cms from the bottom seam all the way round. You should aim to cut into into one long strip, so will need to work at a slight angle, like peeling an apple. If you do end up with a shorter length, fret not, just tie the ends together tightly. Don't worry about plastic transfers or embroidery on the T shirt, just keep snipping. These add to the texture of the yarn, and give a visual reminder of where the fabric has come from.

Knitting Up

You will need huge 20mm knitting needles. Cast on 20 stitches. Knit five rows in garter stitch. Cast off. Knit as many squares as you have yarn available.

Colour Correction

You may be lucky and your t shirts all look good together. On the other hand, you may end up like me with lots of mucky, stained school shirts that don't look great even when knitted into squares. If this is the case, you can correct the colours with dye.

I used Dylon Machine Use Dye, that I purchased from Hobbycraft for £6.49 per colour. I chose bright colours as I wanted something to cheer us up on beach days. However, with dye, the world is your oyster. The only things you must bear in mind are this:

1. Man made fibres will not dye easily. Most t shirts are different blends of cotton and man made fibres like acrylic. This means that you will get varying shades from one load according to the amount of natural fibres in each item.


2. Most modern items are made with acrylic thread. This means the thread usually stays white even when the rest of the fabric changes colour.


3. The larger the number of items in any one dye wash, the lighter the shade will be generally. For very intense colours, use a small number of fabric pieces.


4. It is very difficult to lighten dark colours. I would recommend only dying lighter shades.


5. Normal colour mixing rules apply. For example, if you dye yellow fabric a blue shade, then you will end up with green.

I really like Machine Dye as it's so simple to use. You just add cooking salt to the drum, followed by the powdered dye and the fabric pieces. Set to a 40 degree wash and leave alone. Watching that first turn of the drum where the colour first meets the fabric is a special kind of magic!

Joining the Squares

If you have several different colour squares, it's worth playing around to see how best you can put together your pieces. Do you have enough for a gradual rainbow change? A chequerboard pattern? Something random? I like to take a photo of each of my pieces and arrange them as a photo collage. I use Picnik, but I am sure there are other equally good photo collage services out there (if you know a better one, please let me know!)

Once you have decided what sort of pattern you want, join the squares with single crochet, with spare t shirt yarn. A tutorial can be found on the web here. 

 

Et voila! A new use for old fabrics you have knocking around the house, and a blanket that will hopefully be the scene of many a new family adventure. Here's hoping many a picnic is consumed upon her, and many sandy feet run across her - and that Spurn stays around for a good long time yet.

With love

Claire x

Doodle-Do

Ooh, that's a blast from the past. In writing that title, which just popped into my head, a theme tune also popped into my head. A theme tune familiar but long forgotten. A CBeebies show that Charlie used to love when he was a toddler. Remember Doodle Do? With ?Chris, who a lot of my mum friends fancied? I didn't, especially, although he did seem like a cool bloke. I wasn't keen on one of those spiders though, if I remember correctly.

Funnily, Charlie and I have taken up doodling again recently. We both enjoy spending time in each other's company whilst scribbling in a book. I have a tin of "best" pencils; they belonged to Dom's Grandma and are one of the precious things he inherited. They are Conte Watercolour Pencils. He generously gave them to me, so I to save them for Special Colouring Occasions.

I love them, because you can increase the richness of the colour by adding a bit of water. I also love pen drawing. There's something bold about pen drawing that makes me more confident - when I use pencil I spend too long rubbing stuff out. Sometimes it's just good to get it down on paper. I find colouring in relaxing, and I am one of those odd people for whom doodling makes it easier for me to listen.

Charlie appears to have inherited my love for colouring - and his Great Grandma's too. There's something lovely about him connecting with his Great Grandma creatively, and directly through her own craft materials, sadly she died five years before he was born and six months before I met Dominic. I love the idea that a Great Grandchild of mine might use one of my craft materials, and think of me in the process.

I'm not claiming that I am particularly good at drawing. However, doodling has a wonderful informality. Things can be slightly surreal. They can be as cartoony as you wish. They can be any old size, and perspective doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter if it looks that good.

Today I challenge you to have a go. Even if you just do a bit of colouring in, have a go. It's blissfully relaxing and it's one of those things you'll never do unless you decide to make it happen. Show me what you do!

Lots of love

Claire x 

Play Time!

Hello gang, how are you doing? Well I hope? Quite a lot of my friends seem down in the dumps at the moment, I'm not sure if it's just that January feeling. I really wish I had a magic wand. Me, I'm doing quite well actually. I don't feel ill right now, just completely knackered. However, there's no shame in having a leeetle daytime rest is there? Good. I might take you up on that later ;o)

Today's opening picture is called 'anticipation'. It really made me smile. I found it on Sunday. Charlie's school have introduced a breakfast club where one can go for a half hour play before school plus juice, cereal and toast or a yoghurt. All for a bargain sum of 50p. Charlie was so very excited about having his breakfast at school and found it very difficult to wait. I was very touched to notice he'd written "tomorrow" on the school letter, unprompted, as he was counting down. And a heart. So sweet.

This week is a very special week for me, and I wish I had a bit more energy for it. My Doctor Who scarf is blocking, my orders have been made and posted and so I have that very rare combination of some time to myself and nothing to do. So I have been playing.

I have been pondering making textile pictures for some time. My notebooks are also very popular. It was natural that I would use these media to play with, I think. I've also been considering doing some craft fairs, and I suspect they're the sort of thing that would sell.

Looking for inspiration, I asked my Facebook friends for their favourite lyrics or film quotes. I got loads of brilliant ones, and have tucked away a few for future reference. Then, completely by chance, my friend Deb put this as her status update: "Wish I had a money tree so Andy could work less hours. We'd love to see more of him and his beard!"

Which inspired this:

It gave me a chance to play with my newly found love of machine embroidery - bliss. My favourite bit is the texture on the trunk and the apple button that's fallen off the tree. The sentiment is for my lovely husband, Dom.

The back of the notebook can't be plain. So look what fell out of the sky of inspiration:

I suspect we'll be seeing more of that apple motif. I'm quite taken with it.

I wanted the notebook to be practical too. So I made three flaps for holding folded paper, tickets, photos or postcards. Plus two business card holders - one for your cards and one for other people's.

What do you think? Do you like it? I'm planning to spend the whole week playing - it's a really liberating experience. I'll post the fruits of my labour - good and bad - as I go through the week.

If you want to help inspire the creative tangle in my head, please drop me a note with your favourite lyric, film quote or saying. I'll happily credit you with the inspiration and add a link back to your blog, if you wish.

Sending you lots of creative vibes

Claire x

 

More Experimenting

Blue Sky Thinking

It's been the most gloriously sunny, ice cold day here in East Yorkshire. The sun has been low and dazzling and the shadows long. What a welcome relief to see you again, sunshine! And how thrilled am I at the prospect of starting to see more of you?!

These quiet, still days of January are a blessing. I am trying to exercise my creative brain and think of new spring and summer ideas - it's quite a challenge! At first it feels like dragging a sledge across grass, but once it builds up momentum, oh boy, it's hard to stop! It's hard to capture spring and summer properly when it's so dark and chilly without resorting to cliche. This year I'll take more photos!

This morning I spent a blissful couple of hours clipping magazines and seed catalogues for inspiration whilst listening to Woman's Hour on Radio 4 and thinking it must surely be more contemporary now than it was in my mother's day! My sketch book has been glued and annotated to within an inch of it's life and the blurry fug of ideas are becoming more refined each day. I really, truly want to make things completely original and unique, which is a fine line. I'm inspired by others; I don't clip individual artists or crafters because I'm scared of over borrowing their ideas. Who knows where the things I see end up in my head and where they come out.

My crafting hours are currently taken by a custom order for a scarf like Tom Baker wore on Doctor Who. My goodness it's taking some work! However it's all a simple garter stitch which let's me flow with it's rhythm without having to concentrate too hard. The colours are masculinely autumnal - not my first choice I thought, at first. But do you know, the more I have worked them, the more they seem so right together. Reds and golds, purples, khaki and stone - it has a mood of it's own and it works well with the golden, bright sunshine of a winters afternoon.

Speaking of which, the boys are home and I have a cup of tea waiting and a new copy of Country Living to peruse. Next time I get gloomy about winter I'll look back on this post and remember it's not all so bad, whilst keeping my eyes peeled for daffodil shoots and tree buds and the birds singing in the trees...

 

Land of hope and glory!

Patriotism is a funny thing. I love, love, love where I live. I love the damp cold winters of England and the green springs and disappointing summers. I even love the red hot, humid days where everyone wilst and complains, but drags out the barbeque determined to enjoy the heat while it lasts, certain that winter will return next week. Maybe it's not just England that I love, but Englishness, with all it's eccentricities.

Saying that, I've got to the point of boiling rage with some 'friends' on Facebook joining xenophobic groups, using football as the excuse. I had to tear myself away on Saturday because I could feel myself getting far too hot and bothered. I've simmered all weekend, and really should let it go because it's doing me no good at all.

I feel sad that national pride has been banjaxed by a few idiots. It's a shame that any patriotism feels somehow equal to racism. Anyway, it's with this in mind that I have been crafting all weekend, and I am blogging this morning.

At this time of year The Cottage garden is stunning. It is heady with the scent of lilac.

And as colourful as can be:

Yet still full of texture. Everyday on the way to school, Charlie and I stop and blow dandelion clocks.

We've made daisy chains, faces from leaves and shone buttercups under our chins. It makes me smile how these traditions pass from one generation to the next, and how much Charlie loves them.

The bees are beside themselves - drunk with pollen. In fact some get so stuffed that they're too heavy to fly back into their hives and they die. This makes me a bit sad. The rape seed is out near us and it's a glorious sea of yellow.

Number three hive looks as though it might swarm, which is concerning Dom. It already has two supers on and is ram packed with eggs and capped honey. Last year two hives swarmed on the same day and Dom had to go and rescue them in a cardboard box, so we're being super careful this year. He's trying to decide whether to add another super (box full of empty frames for them to build honeycomb in), or whether to split the colony in two, each with their own hive. We lost two of our five colonies over winter, so that would help us get the numbers back up.

Anyway, I must dash as I have things to make. Bet you can't guess what I've been up to these hot spring days? Can you? Well, to give you a hint....

.... Perfect!

With love, Claire xx 
 
   

Spring is in the air

Inspiration from a lady who really inspires me, Gillian Chapman (http://gillianchapmanfelts.com/)

You know what? I swear I saw a few flakes of snow this afternoon. I checked carefully to make sure they weren't cherry blossom, and they weren't. However, until more are evident I shall be ignoring this and pretending spring has well and truly sprung.

I'm a bit tired this afternoon, I've had a long and very emotional session with Susanna, my therapist. I treated myself to a dirty McDonalds on the way home though, to cheer myself up! Now I could just sleep. Yesterday I was reading how a smoothy made of Kale is very refreshing in the afternoon. Hmph. It doesn't sound as nice as a dirty Maccy's does it?

It's been a busy few weeks craft wise - I have been getting involved with all sorts of knitted and felted projects. I've been sorting out the Lady Shed too, and it's almost done. I hope to make some curtains tomorrow, and then get some pictures to show you. Quite frankly, I am ashamed of how much stuff I have. Apparently, I have a real talent for keeping bits of stash in different bags all over the house. Sometimes there are bags within bags. This is the first time I have got it all together and, even though it looks ace, I can't shy away from the scale of my addiction. My stash has to have it's own room <wail>

On the subject of pictures, isn't the heart brooch above to die for? I love the colours and the stitching, the beading and, well everything. It really makes me gushy. I really like how the stripes of radiating stitches give the piece a 3D feel. I would love to be able to make something that looks like this.

I am trying to 'firm up' a wreath at the moment. I crocheted the wreath bit, double thickness, and then sewed wire to strengthen. However, now the felted flowers are on, it droops a bit. I have applied spray starch and, although it's still drying, it looks a bit droopy. Any suggestions?

At the moment I am working on the Strangling Vines Scarf by Nicole Hindes. I'm doing it in Kidsilk Haze, a very fine mohair. It's hard going because the yarn is so skinny. It's also lighter than air, so it really does feel as though you're knitting  a spider's web.

 

I'm off to have a go now. What are you working on at the moment?

See you tomorrow. Lots of love

Claire x

Me (not dead!)

Well, hello there lovely bloggers, how goes it? I hope you are all well, and you remember who I am. It's been an absolute age, hasn't it?

The last couple of weeks have been a bit odd, and, for that reason, I haven't really felt up to blogging. Firstly, I was really collared by the black dog. Properly and truly can't-get-off-the-sofa-sit-on-your-hands-suicidal sort of depression. That said, as awful and as bleak as it was, it lasted about 4 days after my last post. I don't think I have felt that bad before, but that's possibly because I had started to feel better, so I was more aware of the difference.

The weather hasn't helped much - it's been freeeezing cold, dark, icy and snowy. It's been the coldest December and January for over 20 years. So, I have rather sensibly stayed indoors, apart from the school runs and a few trips into the garden to take photographs. I'll share those with you later.

After that I was clobbered by - and I kid you not - the desire to clean. No, I am not pregnant. However, I am the proud owner of one spotless and shiny house! Again, this has pulled me away from blogging duties (booo!)

And THEN, I went into creative overdrive. I've put the Bonkers blanket on one side for a little while, it was becoming a little repetitive. I like to have a couple of projects on the go at once. I decided to have a go at the February Lady Sweater by Flint Knits.

I've never really made myself anything to wear before. Actually, that's a bit of a lie, I tried last summer, to  make a long, pink cabled cardi. However, I didn't check my gauge and figured using a slightly larger needle wouldn't matter all that much. How wrong I was! after a very complicated yoke that took forever (especially for someone at the crisis stage of a breakdown) I started sewing it together to realise that yes, ladies and gentlemen, it made me look like Barbapapa. And, in case you're not as old as I, this is Barbapapa was a children's character from the 70s:

 Funnily enough, these days he just looks like a giant condom, huh? How innocent we were back then...

Anyway, you get the picture. Pink and blobby is not a good look.

So, I have been manically getting on with the Lady Sweater. And, aside from 3 buttons it's finished. I am blooming delighted. I have ordered the most adorable vintage buttons from Folksy, I'll show you a picture as soon as it's ready.

I have just started working on a Fair Isle hat for Charlie as he's managed to lose two - yes, two - hats at school since Christmas. I have no idea where they go! You would think someone else's Mum would realise they'd brought another child's handknitted hat home wouldn't you? Apparently not. Anyway, one of my 101 in 1001 was to learn interstarsia, so I'm onto it and lovin' in. In my tidy home. Get me.

Two other good things have happened recently. Firstly, I have take a leap into the unknown and booked a new therapist. She sounds fabulous - she's a humanist in approach (I am not yet sure what this means) and a trained hypnotherapist, and she uses art therapy to help with depression and anxiety. My first appointment is next Tuesday.

And finally, I have a new haircut! It's perked me up no end. Here you go:

Catch you soon - I promise I'll be back more quickly next time!

Lots of love

Claire x

It's not my fault, it just fell....

<whistles innocently>

I have, for the longest time, been very taken with the wonderful ripple blankets that Lucy at Attic 24 makes:

I think one would look just fine on our bed. And this is not helped at all by the fact that Lucy has the same bedding as us in this photo, oh no no no. It just helps me to visualise it all the more.

The one thing that has prevented me from making such a blanket simply is the cost. My usual tactic is to start with a few balls, then add more and more. That way, I hide the true cost from myself. I like to use different types, textures and shades as I think that adds so much to a granny blanket - after all, they're not supposed to be beautiful and uniform, are they? Originally they were made from odds and ends, and I like to take this approach with my own blankets. However, unlike Granny squares, the problem with a ripple blanket is that you need to plan the colours carefully and additional textures won't add anything (in fact I think they would detract) because the pattern is so busy anyway. This is pure colour work. Which means planning in advance, in a line with several shades, which tends to = £££.

I didn't want to make a family heirloom from really cheap acrylic either, especially as this is a grown up thing. I hope it will be used and admired for many years to come. 

Today, I happened to Google "sale yarns". Don't do this, ever. Anyway, I found an online retailer that was selling Debbie Bliss Pure Cotton for 99p a ball, reduce from £3.65. Some were slightly more expensive (£1.69) but still, that's a hefty saving. So I indulged. Then I realised quite how many colours I would need for it to be effective, and how many balls of each, but by that stage it was too late - I was hooked. This is what I bought:

I bought them from Stash and Kangeroo.

I needn't say much more, need I? Just gaze lovingly at the wonderful colours and drool. Well, that's what I shall be doing anyway. No licking the screen allowed, lovelies!

It was very, very naughty. But oh, oh so nice......
 

 
 
 

If you could be anywhere...

Have you got a 'happy place'? I'm not sure I like that expression very much, it sounds a little patronising. I mean a place in your imagination where you'd like to be?

I have two places, and they have been with me for some years. The first is a place just like the above - so much like it, in fact, that looking at this picture quite took my breath away. It's a modern, glass and steel Grand Designs sort of home, that has squashy settees and a roaring fire, coffee and, most importantly, solitude. It sometimes has a labrador (which is a bit odd; I am not a dog person). The house is on a pier on a lake, surrounded by a pine forest. No-one ever goes there but me.

The second place is a small apartment, with the softest bedclothes and antique furniture. It's really comfortable and old fashioned, stylish in a sort of faded, elegant way. There's nothing in the fridge save a bottle of champagne and is often the venue for more saucy imaginings (ahem). Both places bring me freedom and happiness and, in most instances I need them, I want to be alone in my happy place.

It was whilst watching Miss Marple that I realised that I am yearning to be child-like at the moment. Not childish; child-like. I would like to be somewhere cosy and clean, old fashioned but elegant, to be freshly washed and tucked up in an old single bed where I could just be me and free of all responsibility. I don't actually have a lot of responsibility at the moment, but day to day life is dragging me down. I just feel as though if I could sleep, for a very long time, I would awake feeling refreshed and have a much better idea of where I am going in life. As it is, I still haven't much of a clue.

This picture, from the same January 2010 edition of Country Living, sort of sums up the feel of the place I want to be:

Laundry - the smell of hot cotton and the soft touch. Hmmm. 

 

101 in 1001 Challenge

1001 in 101 : The Project

 

It's January 2010 and I am starting to feel as though I am recovering from the depression. I need something to keep me busy, and to help me keep pushing myself and putting me out of my comfort zone little by little. The 1001 in 101 project seems ideal.

The idea is to make a list of things you want to do over the next 2.75 years of your life. Each task must be achieveable and time limited. Since I have recently experienced a very driven stage of my life in which target setting was a daily task, I will prioritise goals that I believe will bring me greater life satisfaction, happiness and self awareness. These may well be trivial to others, but will hopefully help me achieve my biggest goal: to discover who I am now and what I want to do with my life.

More information about this project can be found here: http://dayzeroproject.com

Start Date: 1st January 2010

End Date: 29th September 2012

The List

Items crossed out have been achieved

Items in italics are underway

 

 

Items Relating to The List

1. To write my list of 101 things and upload to my blog. (1/1)

Challenges

2. To make 5 phone calls a month

3. To answer the door whenever it knocks.

4. To go on an aeroplane. (0/1)

5. Smile when I want to cry.

6. Clear the credit card 

7. Complete a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle (0/1) 

8. Ride on a rollercoaster (0/1)

 

Personal

 

 

9. To enrol on a new course. 

10. To dye my hair at least 4 different shades. (4/4)

11. To read a book every 3 months. (11/11) 

12. To wear wacky socks every day for a month. (0/30) 

13. To conceive my third child 

14. To grow my hair to my bottom. (1/1) 

15. To visit 3 stately homes. (0/3)

16. To visit at least two art galleries (0/2)

17. To visit at least one photography exhibition. (0/1)

18. To keep an art journal 

19. To crochet a handbag. (1/1)

20. To write a letter to the me that was in 2000. (0/1)

21. To write myself an letter that I will open in 2020. (0/1)

22. Make a will  (0/1)

23. Have a massage (1/1)

24. Have a facial (1/1)

25. See five films at the cinema (3/5)

26. Buy a piece of artwork I love (0/1)

27. Buy false eyelashes and wear them on a night out (1/1)

Health

 

 

28. To go to the dentist (1/1)

29. To eat my 5 per day every day for 30 consecutive days. (0/30)

30. To permanently reduce my alcohol consumption to 10 - 15 units a week

31. Go 30 days in a row without eating takeaway. (0/30)

32. Go 30 days in a row without eating chocolate. (0/30)

33. Swim twice weekly for at least three months

 

Romance

 

34. Spend at least 10 times beekeeping with Dom. (0/10)

35. Have at least one date per month with Dom, even if it is at home. (0/33)

36. Spend six weekends away with Dom. (0/6)

37. Send my husband a love letter (0/1)

38. Kiss in the rain (0/1)

 

Family

 

39. To start an open diary to Jonathan. (0/1)

40. Take the children swimming 5 times. (5/5)

41. Go camping four times. (2/4)

42. Own a new pet. (0/1)

43. Have a picnic. (0/1)

44. Go for ten walks on the beach. (2/10)

45. Create a piece of art with the boys for the playroom. (0/1)

46. Teach Jonathan to cook five dishes (0/5)

47. Teach Charlie to read (1/1)

 

Friends

 

48. Give 5 'I saw this and thought of you' presents. (0/5)

49. Send 10 handwritten letters. (0/10)

 

Helping others / the planet

 

50. Donate something for charity each month (money, time, items) (0/33)

51. Perform five acts of random kindness (0/5)

52. Donate blood four times (0/4)

53. Plant a tree for each decade of my life (1/4)

Craft

 

54. To learn how to do interstarsia knitting and produce an item. (1/1)

55. To open an Etsy shop to sell my hand crafted items. (1/1)

56. To knit a pair of socks. (1/1)

57. To knit a handbag. (1/1)

58. Make three quilts  (2/3)

59. Knit an item using only double pointed needles (0/1)

60. Make and felt an item for the house (1/1)

61. Dye a skein of yarn (0/1) 

62. Learn how to spin yarn (0/1)

63. Make an item of clothing for myself (1/1) 

64. Make an item of clothing for Charlie (1/1)

65. Attend a craft fair both as a buyer and a seller (1/2)

66. Crochet a handbag (1/1)

 

Blogland and T'interweb

 

67. Update my inspiration album once per month. (0/33)

68. Keep a blog of your personal achievements and photography that is updated weekly. Read it and feel good about your place in the world.  (0/143)

69. Leave a comment on someone else's blog every week (0/143)

 

Home and Garden

 

70. Hatch duck or hen eggs (1/1)

71. Grow at least 10 different sorts of veg. (0/10)

72. Take a course in butchery. (0/1)

73. Slaughter and cook a hen. (0/2)

74. Have cut flowers every fortnight. (0/72)

75. Decorate play room (1/1)

76. Decorate lounge (0/1)

77. Decorate hall (0/1)

78. Finish kitchen (1/1)

79. Make blinds and curtains for dining room (0/4)

80. Landscape / move plants to front garden (1/1)

81. Make new vegetable plot (0/1)

82. Use the Lady Shed for my projects between May and September

83. Put all the family photographs up in the hall (0/1)

 

Words and Pictures

 

84. To write 10 short stories. (0/10)

85. Take a photo of all 101 things. (0/101)

86. To upload a photo every week to HPAD group on Flickr (0/143)

87. Make a photo yearbook of our family life at The Cottage for each year (0/3)

88. Make a photo collage of each month at home in The Cottage. (0/33)

89. To organise my photo files every month. (0/33)

90. Take a photo of 30 happy things. (0/30)

91. Arrange Charlie's baby photos into an album (0/1)

92. Take family photos off computer and put into albums (0/1)

 

Seize The Day!

 

93. To jump in a puddle (1/1)

 

Culinary

 

94. Cook 101 recipes from my cookery books. (0/101)

95. Bake once a fortnight.

96. Eat in a Michelin starred restaurant. (0/1)

97. Make a birthday cake for Dom, Jonny and Charlie each year. (6/9)

98. Make a Christmas cake each year. (2/3)

99. Cook a souffle (0/1)

100. Buy meat from a local butchers 20 times

101. Try sushi (0/1)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winter Wonderland (and a sensitive post)

Well, it's the first of December and we had the first frosts of winter here last night, very appropriate. As has become the festive tradition in this house, I forgot to get the advent calendars again. Whoops.

It's been a truly crap week, so I haven't posted because I haven't felt up to it. Sorry guys. I also haven't taken any pictures, so I am going to post favourite inspiration posts and talk about depression miseries, I hope you like the juxtaposition. See it as black humour.

On the plus side, Saturday was lovely. We went for a drive around Sunk Island (I once accidentally called this Spunk Island in front of a rather prudish friend in London, dear God the shame). As you can see from this map  Sunk Island, literally 5 mins from here, is a huge area of unspoiled land which was once under the sea. It's incredibly flat and likely to be reclaimed by the sea within the next 100 years, so there are very few houses and roads. I have never been anywhere quite like it.

We saw several interesting species of bird including, what I suspect, was the Great White Egret:

This is a very rare visitor to the UK, a migratory bird. The jury's out as to whether they were Great Whites (size of grey Herons, which I am sure these were) or Little Egrets, which are more common but have yellow feet - I am fairly sure the ones we saw didn't. We saw 3, sat in a tree and one fishing in a drain (ditch to non locals; somewhere where all the field water drains to the Humber). This was at Saltaugh Sands where we have previously seen Kingfishers.

We also saw nine - yes, count 'em - roe deer, in three different groups

They all had fluffy white bottoms. We didn't see any stags. The first three were lay on the ground behind a hedge. They were wary of us and looked straight at us with their ears pricked, but didn't run away. We spent a good few minutes watch each other before they got up, stretched and wondered off to eat some of the crops. It's hard to tell what was planted in that field at the moment, but I suspect it's rape seed.

Third most impressive was two kestrels, at different points. There are several of these locally, we even had one in the garden last year. We get lots of barn owls too, although you tend to see them more in spring.

We also saw curlews, pheasants, avocets, lapwings  and oystercatchers. I've arranged them into this little collage. Yes, it was an amazing, very relaxing day out and about in Spunk Island with my lovely husband and sons. The boys were as riveted as we were, especially when they got to look at the boats and squelch about in the mud.

On the down side, I have been feeling seriously suicidal again. I haven't been sleeping - I've frequently started the day at 2am. It's in those dark, lonely hours that I have been wondering if it wouldn't be better for everyone to just slip away quietly, like a star fading into dawn.

The agony is that I am actutely aware of the pain it would cause my family, and so I feel trapped. I feel as though I haven't even got the basic human rights that most people have. 

Don't panic, but I have been researching ways to do it. How to tie knots, what doses are needed etc. This upset Dom hugely and we had a very tearful Thursday evening. It's very hard to explain. Firstly, it's a bit like having a mosquito bite - you're compelled to scratch and you're not entirely in control of that scratch. Secondly, I actually find the research helps. The impulse is very frightening and not something I can control. By moving it into the intellectual, reasoning part of the brain, I find I can manage it in a much more  controlled way. For example, it'll take over 600 Piriton to finish you off - you'd have got bored and grown a beard by the time you got through that lot. Slashing your wrists is not good for someone whose main lifeline is crafting; if you sever your tendons then essentially you can lose use of your hand permanently. You can see what I mean. Whilst the impulse is strange, what I find is the reality is a) too horrible to want to inflict upon myself and b) I find that the things I am deeply disturbed by are not as awful as you might imagine. For a long time I have had a dread of bodies, injuries, being the first on the scene sort of thing. Weirdly, now I think I could handle it. It sort of helps me look in on myself from the outside, rather than being consumed by the fear.

That sort of sums up my week. To be honest, since Thursday its been much better. I spoke to the counsellor at length, and they don't think I am ill enough to be referred to the Psych team - which is reassuring and frustrating in equal measure. I want to stop feeling like this. But then I only want to go through this once, so I need every moment of experience to learn all that I can.

I am in the midst of Christmas knitting and can't wait to show you what I have made. I am really enjoying it. I have this weird sort of life - really deep lows, and a perfect stillness, better clarity than I have had for years. Honestly, deep down, I feel as though I am getting to the root of me. It's taken me a long time to get this far, but the more I experience it, the more I know this is a process I have to experience and I will end it a permanently changed person. I am hibernating, and I am observing. It's uncomfortable at times, but I am surviving.

Thanks for checking back on me, I hope you are OK too. I think about you often, and I am deeply touched on those who check in on me regularly, even when I haven't updated for a while.

Love and hugs

C x
 
 
 
 

Today is offically a holiday - tell your friends!

Last year, I worked my nuts off getting Christmas sorted. I try to think of original and thoughtful gifts; I make a lot of them. I handmade decorations and baked a lot in advance to freeze. Nothing came from packets - everything was homemade. I did all the shopping, wrote all the cards, had 10 people round for dinner on the big day, friends before and afterwards ad family staying for 4 days. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, guess what? 5 days before Christmas I got the flu. I honestly felt like dying, I don't think I have ever felt that ill. But I hauled myself up out of bed on Christmas Eve and, ever the martyr, made sure that Christmas went ahead as I had planned.

Whilst I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, I realised that everyone else was having fun and, having done the lion's share of the preparations, I was still working my nuts off, even though I wasn't well. And I felt a bit resentful.

This year I am making lots of changes. I am only going to do the things I want to do. And one of them is this: I am going to take lots of secret mini holidays in advance, to make up for all the extra effort. I think you should do the same. Email this page to all your girlfriends because I am, officially, giving you permission to have a mini holiday. It could be today, or any day, a whole day or just 10 minutes - but you must do something you enjoy, and you wouldn't ordinarily do. I am looking forward to hearing what you get up to!

I have already been to town and bought myself a few treats. I am now firmly planted on the sofa where I will stay until school time. I have:

New reading material

Coffee and chocolate

Fuzzy friends

Hooky loveliness (I'm crocheting together mum's throw before startig the border. It's at the pre-blocked ugly duckling stage)

 
  

Christmas shopping to do

(oh how I am tempted by the free apron)

and there is also a snooze to be enjoyed once I have finished chatting with you.

Given it's the middle of a difficult week at the end of a difficult year, it's raining horizontally and it's windy and cold, I have also decided to treat my boys. Although they will not know about my own treats, oh no.

When Charlie and Jonny come home from school, they will have a tea of boiled eggs, fresh from the chickens, with squirty cream topped hot chocolate, their favourite:

Unbenown to them, the pain au chocolates they grieved over this morning when they thought they were Daddy's, are being saved for a special pudding for two special boys:

Let's not forget a special Daddy, of course. I have not been easy to live with recently, and this is a little way that I can say 'thank you'. Once Jonny and Charlie are in the land of nod, Dom and I shall be enjoying a little treat that I picked up from our local market this morning:

Moules mariniere, with freshly caught local mussels and crusty bread to mop up all the delicious, garlicky sauce. Not forgetting a nice bottle of plonk:

 I have to dash now and begin my hectic schedule. Have fun with yours and, if you do nothing else today, treat yourself.

Lots of love and hugs

Claire xx