Half Term Crafting

Well hello lovely ladies and gentlemen of Blogland - it's nice to see you again. I've been away much longer than I intended.

It took four days of intense crafting to get the secret project into something that could be given as a gift - an hour before the party started! My fingers were sore, my back bent and my eyes crossed. The gift was held together with wonderweb and had a (smallish) key ingredient missing, but it was good enough. Dominic was thrilled. I was thrilled. Everyone was thrilled. It was all good. I shall post pictures tomorrow, if it's sunny. We've not had much sun, although this afternoon was nice. Fingers crossed.

I did not want to post pictures here until it was finished properly but, hoorah, I put the last tiny handstitch in yesterday! There was a good few days of behind-the-scenes hand sewing left to be done, but thankfully it is now complete.

I got a blog block. I feel a bit silly now I've just properly got on and JFDI, but there it is! I did not want to post until I could do my 'Taa-daa' post, and it took much longer to complete than I expected. I have also had six orders to make for Mrs Bee (three hats, one newborn hammock, one bookmark and one beehive sponsorship). I've also had a bit of an ME flare up which took a couple of days out of the equation whilst I slept / lazed around feeling sorry for myself.

Bedsides all this, it's half term. We've been quite lazy (again!) despite good intentions, but everyone is so tired at the end of each school term that it seems foolish to run headlong into big chores. So, we've been a bit lazy, eaten out a lot, seen friends, done some crafting.

Charlie made a stained glass 'window' and did a very good job of it indeed! He meticulously painted every bit (it was painting by numbers, but he didn't stick to that!) I helped a little too. I have put it away carefully and will frame it as a birthday present for my Mum.

Today we went pottery painting! We go to a cool place near York called Langlands which has the most delicious restaurant, and some pretty lovely things to look at. We had hot chilli chicken wraps with homemade chips and they were deee-licious.  We love going to 'Pottery Painting with Claire' (no, not me!) and this is one of our regular holiday activities. It's well worth a trip out if you're local.

This was Dominic's mug, he was very proud of it:

 

 

He has been spending a lot of time spinning honey this week, so the bee mug was very apt. He has reserved it for garden tea.

I had in mind a hand painted striped affair - wobbly, uneven lines, but thin, in shades of blue, white and pink. Oh fate, how you laughed at me:

 

Each time I got somewhere near what I wanted, the table wobbled, my arm got knocked or I just plain buggered it up. When it's fired these powder tones will become ultra bright. Even so, it looks a bit, urm, special, doesn't it? I have said I shall reserve mine for those times we have no guests. My fugly mug will be banished to the back of the cupboard at moments of celebration and sharing. Pottery painting fail.

Charlie looks rather pleased with his robot 'piggy' bank, doesn't he?!

 

He did a good job, but whizzed through the painting and had to be encouraged to go back and add more coats and touch up the white bits. He had a veeery long wait whilst Dom and I got stuck in and pretended we were there for Charlie's sake. Ahem.

I'll collect them in a week or so. I'll take some photos then and show you how they came out. Even though I wasn't overly thrilled with my efforts today, we had a lovely family afternoon, which is what counts I think.

Hope to see you again soon

Claire x

Good Days

Hello lovelies. I hope all is well with you, and you are managing to keep a smile. I have had a BONZER couple of days!

Yesterday started off badly, I felt really low. But, I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon so I struggled in, hair untidy and no make up, feeling pretty glum. Then I had such a lovely chat with my GP - I absolutely love her to bits. I have no idea why I always get so nervous when I go to see her. We chatted - her son started school last week, so we compared notes. She told me she was bought up in our house virtually opposite ours. We talked about expectations of life - I told her that I had lost my job and Charlie had started school in the last couple of weeks, and both had made me feel very emotional. But that I could see I needed time to reflect, unwind and think about what was important to me. A year ago I ran my own business and had a part time professional job, now I was unemployed. She declared that I seemed brighter than before, and decided not to make any changes to my medication. I have to go back in 4 weeks rather than 2.

I don't know what it was about her validation that made me feel so good, but it worked. I explained, nervously, that I wasn't back to my old self and she said, quite shocked "goodness me, I wouldn't expect it" and that made me feel good too. Knowing that I am doing well, for this stage, was a nice reassuring feeling.

To break up the l-o-n-g text (sorry, I can waffle), I thought I would share some pics I took of the flowers Charlie and I bought in our local town - £2 for two huge bunches of dahlias. And, oh, they're so pretty. I often buy flowers as they bring me so much joy and make my little cottage look a treat. However, I was inspired by Lucy at Attic 24 to try putting flowers all over the house - and what a joy that has been! They have made an appearance in the lounge, the kitchen, the dining room, the downstairs loo and our bedroom. I thought I would share their cheerfulness with you. Thanks Lucy. They look so much better in little jam jars and mustard pots (recycled, obv)

So, to today! I went to my first ceramics class! AND I WORE MAKE-UP! I haven't been out on my own like this for about 10 weeks, let alone looked half decent. I was very nervous, but I had a good time. I am completely knackered now though! I made something that resembled a bowl, although I don't have any pictures yet. It's inlaid stoneware don'tcha know! It uses a technique where a pattern is scratched into the wet clay, and then painted with slip (coloured, watery clay) that looks something like this (please note, mine won't, this is just one I found online!)

I developed a heart and spots pattern which I liked. The humble, wonky pot is waiting for me to return next week, when I will scratch back the slip and add more layers, apparently. I'll remember to take my camera next week.

After this, I went into Hull - something I haven't done for months. I had a good walk around in the sunshine which was lovely. I eventually went to the Job Centre, something I was dreading, but it was OK and the two people that interviewed me were lovely. There wasn't anything suitable, but I am being sent on a course for executives and professionals (ooh get me!) All I will get is my national insurance stamps paid, but I figured I may as well as I have worked since I was 13 (22 years! Don't I sound old!)

This weekend I intend to knit a pair of socks. We will undoutedly visit the inlaws, and pick gorgeous apples from their laden tree. It's the local open studio scheme, so I hope we can pop out and have a look at some other local artists. I also want to take Jonny pottery painting tomorrow - he has to do a school presentation on Art Deco and I persuaded him to produce something in the style of Clarice Cliff. We are both so excited.

I hope your weekends are restful, happy and fun. Lots of love xxxxx

Some reasons to feel proud

My lovely kitchen knick-knacks that cheer me up every day.

Hello my lovelies, how are you all doing?  I hope you didn't miss me too much over the past six days. I have been thinking of you all, and hoping that you're finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

It was one heck of a week for me, my feelings were flying round like a cloud of gnats, and I wanted a bit of time to reflect and get my head together. Thank you so much to those of you who emailed to say that you didn't think the blog was showing off, the encouragement really helped.

So... last week was a week of big changes. For some reason, at the moment, I am not very good at change. The first weekend back after the start of the school term was tough for me, as I think I said before, because I slipped straight back into 'Mum' and, for the first time since the start of the summer holidays, I didn't make any allowances for the illness. That was a mistake and I started the week feeling somewhat overwrought.

Monday and Tuesday I had Charlie at home with me full time - it sounds like nothing, but I have not looked after him from 6am to 7pm on my own for a long time. He was full of beans because he was excited about starting school, prone to emotional outbursts and, if I admit it, a bit naughty because he, too, was overwrought. I was depressed and needing peace and quiet! Not a great combination, you'll have to admit.

Monday we went out to a few shops - Asda, McDonalds, we took some old clothes to the charity shop and by the time I got home and did the housework (why?!) I had done too much. Tuesday I could barely get off the sofa, and felt horribly, awfully guilty for squandering Charlie's last day at home with me. I spent a lot of the time in tears, including the evening when I cried in bed. Dom was shocked and worried, but wonderfully patient.

Wednesday was the big day. Charlie was so excited I thought he would burst. I was really anxious about taking him to this new institution, nervous about what to do and where to go, worried on his behalf, sad that he was leaving the nest, excited for myself and my new freedom - a whole muddle of feelings. Anyway, suffice to say he was fine, in fact he's had a lovely time. And I have quickly got used to my new routine. Shall I share a picture? He is a very good Reason To Be Proud this week.

Isn't he just adorable? That's Billy with him, his teddy bear that has gone pretty much everywhere from birth. Of course Billy needed his hand holding as he was nervous about starting school, and the teachers made every effort to welcome Billy to the classroom and even let him come in and listen to the lessons. Charlie was very glad he was there, I think.

I have been trying to gain inspiration from my little man - he's taking on the world because he's not worrying about too much at once. I could do the same. Good enough is good enough, nothing has to be perfect. So I thought I would share with you some of the things bringing me happiness at the moment, if not because it balances the days when I am having to run through in my head the list of reasons I should not want to die.

You may wonder why I seem to gravitate toward the homemade/craft blogs. As well as being something that I love doing, and just.... well, I can't express it easily... feels right and as though it will help me get better, I am in awe of those wonderful women, so full of character life and creativity. I need their warm domesticity, I guess I need to be mothered myself. And I also want to me that sort of mother.

So, here are some things I have been proud of doing this week.

Look - cables and shaping! I mastered short rows! Yeee-haw! I'll ignore the fact that I have been knitting this jumper since May, that this part literally took weeks and, when I sewed the whole thing up the gauge was wrong and the jumper made me look like Barbapapa. Who cares, when you've made something curved, with cables?! <does happy dance> I am making it into something funky, so watch this space....

I invented a recipe! These are lemon and honey flapjacks and, believe me, they are divine. I will post the recipe tomorrow. Made from honey from our very own bees! sadly, the lemons were from Tesco (wouldn't it be lovely to be able to grow those too?)

My fantastic pumpkin patch. We now have pumpkins, squashes, marrows and still the odd courgette. More home-grown vegetable pictures tomorrow, but it feels me with such a thrill to produce food through love and nurture.

I'm going to come out of this depression one day, aren't I? One day I won't have to run through my lists of why I should be alive, or convince myself I won't attempt suicide today. One day, I won't feel stoned on my meds, or spend the day in a fluffy coma on the sofa. One day, I will be able to answer the phone and make calls without blinking an eyelid. One day I will again wear make up, get my hair cut, have a job (career, maybe), smile and not feel as though I am deceving people.

One day soon .... xxxx

The Brave New World

A much appreciated visitor to my garden this morning.

Well hello, friends. How are you all doing? I hope you are as happy as can be expected and the demons are not on your shoulders. It's a lovely sunny day this morning in East Yorkshire, really beautiful. There is a slight chill in the air; it's starting to feel quite autumnal.

And guess what? Dom has gone back to work. I feel like someone who has just left hospital and doesn't know how she will survive. These are my first faltering steps into my new life, without my lifeline. It's exciting and very, very scary.

From now on, I have to function at a different level. I have to make meals, get the kids to and from school, dressed in the appropriate uniform and equipped for school. I have to keep the house clean and tidy. Do shopping. Live life. My coccoon has gone.

Today I am sacking my cleaner. Weirdly, this feels like a really positive thing. I hate the intrusion of having someone in my house one morning a week, even though she's doing a job that I would prefer not to do. I feel quite bad because my cleaner is lovely, but I really have the urge to stay on top of our own space and actually contribute something to the family now that I am not a businesswoman and school leader.

In this vein, I joined Flylady. I did this before a couple of years ago and it was really successful. I love the idea that just babysteps will have an impact on the bigger picture. It's really helpful to my current situation with the depression. What I am trying to do is think 'I'll just load the dishwasher then I can do some knitting' then, an hour later 'I'll go and sort out the kids toys.' This means I get more done without being overwhelmed and have had a couple of good days this way.

In other big news, I have signed up and paid for a 6 month ceramics course! I can't wait! I may also start AS Textiles, if there is a space for me. That's all day Wednesday. I really am very excited and optimistic about taking time to do some creative things, and give myself some breathing space to heal and work out what I can do with the rest of my life. In a lot of ways I really hope I am not offered any sort of contract from work, as I am excited about the direction my life may take.

Do you mind me putting mundane aims down in here? It would be helpful for me, I believe. It's the day-to-day things I am struggling with the most (probably because I have to do them most often! lol)

My aims for today are:

1. To wash the bedding and remake the beds with clean linen
   
2. To load and unload the dishwasher
   
3. To plan meals for the week
   
4. To do an hour of ironing
   
5. To phone (eek!) about the AS Textiles course (will be very, very chuffed if I do this)
   
6. To complete the sleeve of Charlie's cardigan.

I am feeling overwhelmed and the knot is back in my chest. But I feel positive and hopeful too. I hope you can find the light in the shadows today. Much love xx