Lovely flowers Dom bought me from the local market last week to cheer me up.
Well, dear reader, I have certainly had a couple of days. Not long after posting on Tuesday, I received an email to say that my employers had met and decided not to renew my contract, because of my illness. Technically they can do this as my 12 month contract had expired and, even though they had promised a new contract verbally, nothing had been agreed in writing. Morally, it's pretty questionable. I wasn't asking for sick pay, just the chance to return when I was better.
When I last posted I mentioned that I thought losing my job would be the best scenario. However, when it happened it really knocked me for six. I have never been sacked before, and I have never been unemployed. It really made me feel worthless. I cried a lot and stayed on my comfy sofa watching Diagnosis Murder, in my safety zone. When I think of all the extra effort, additional hours, late nights and sacrifices it makes my stomach turn.
I've done a lot of thinking since then. Maybe this is part of the lesson I need to learn. Maybe I need to give my all and get no respect, so that I become a little more careful about whom I expend effort for. The people who have stood by me have brought tears to my eyes. Those who have done the opposite have also brought tears to my eyes, but different tears, and it's been an important lesson. The people who have helped me are the people I wasn't spending enough time on/with.
One act of kindness that stunned me was an internet friend who phoned the local psychological services telling them she was concerned about me. She did it because she knew how scared I was of using the phone. I had written but got no response (it later transpired that the person I wrote to was on holiday). Hopefully they will see me sooner. I was touched and amazed at her actions.
Today I have just felt exhausted, to be honest. I'm not sure whether it's the illness, the emotional energy or the medication to be honest, but I could sleep at the drop of a hat.
I have been trying to push myself beyond my comfort zones everyday. Yesterday I collected Charlie from nursery alone (I haven't done this for 8 weeks). Today I walked to the village and went to the local shop. I am proud of myself but amazed how much effort these things take, they're so small! I also realised I have been sick for 8 weeks now, and don't really feel much better than when I first became ill, other than I have fully accepted what is happening now. I am also trying very hard to count my blessings, even though I don't believe that positive thinking is going to make much different. If I could get myself out of depression through willpower alone, I would have done it months ago. However, I am trying very hard and trying not to be too hard on myself.
I am working on Charlie's rainbow cardigan, and it's nearly finished. I just have the sleeves to sew on, then the side seams to sew up. I've not done sleeves before, so I am nervous. However, I also had to work on the collar and pick up and sew along both front edges and I am really proud of how that has worked out. Here's a sneaky peak of the colours. I hope you're well and happy today, Claire xx