Hello, friend. I hope you are well and getting on OK on your journey through depression. I do think about the people who visit this blog and wonder about their stories. I hope you are doing OK today.
This morning I had another appointment with my doctor. She's very kind, and I feel certain that she understands, but I still get ridiculously nervous - silly isn't it? I have scratched the base of my left thumb until it bled, by digging my nail into the flesh there. I don't realise I am doing it, but it seems to help express the anxiety. I also often find myself gritting my teeth too. Does anyone else do this?
Anyway, having put myself through the indignity of having to explain to the doctor again how I am feeling, she has signed me off work for at least 3 weeks, and has changed my anti-depressant to escilatopram (Cipralex). I am on the maximum dose and, reading the patient information leaflet, am reassured that it's a strong anti-D that hopefully will help. However, I have to go through the 'breaking in' fortnight and that really scares me.
The Babette blanket is a helpful distraction through. I have now completed all 50 of the 4 rounds, and 35 of the two rounds, out of 49, so it's going well. I am still loving the colours and, if anything, I am getting bolder and bolder. Hell, why not?! It makes me feel a bit better and it's for the children, so who cares? I keep thinking of Kaffe Fasset saying "be a slob with colour, and find your own voice." I kind of like that. I also find great comfort in other people's blogs, especially the craft ones. It's a wonderful gift to be lost in someone else's world for a while.
I have had to make a phone call relating to work and found this to be extremely stressful. I have also sent an email to my boss to explain about my illness - again I found this very tough. The weird thing I find with depression is that I worry about doing something, hate doing it, but then find no relief in the fact it has been done. I just feel the same level of worry as before. I smiled to myself as my profile on Yahoo is 'invisible to others.' I wish I could choose that option in life too.
So, essentially, I am signed off work (big relief) and I am taking new medication that might help (which is very positive). I have to wait a couple of weeks for things to improve, but improve they will, I am sure.
I just wanted to take the chance to review to book 'Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong' by Dr Tim Cantopher.
I don't know Dr Cantopher personally, but this book has been a real comfort to me whilst I have been in the depths of depression, and it's never very far away. I re-read short excerpts in a regular basis. Dr Cantopher is kind, wise and sympathetic; the book is authortitative enough to not patronise, but isn't indigestable for those in the throws of a depressive episode. He feels like a sort of Depression Buddy.
Dr Cantopher takes the view that depressed people become ill because they persist in difficult situations when others don't and this leads directly to them "blowing a fuse" in the limbic system of the brain. He argues that depression is a physical illness caused by the lack of two chemicals and these control mood. People do not get clinically depressed because they are lazy or weak; quite the opposite.
I have re-read chapters 1 and 5 so many times I can almost quote them parrot fashion. I have read the rest of the book but, to be honest, most of it hasn't sunk in. I find his advice to only read a few pages at a time very comforting.
This is a fantastic book, and I would highly recommend it for anyone undergoing clinical depression, or anyone who wants to understand the illness better.
Okey dokey, I'll leave it there for today I think. Big hugs to all those who are suffering. See you soon xx
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