Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Windfall Apples


Windfall apples from my mother-in-law's garden that I made into blackberry and apple crumble.

I wanted to start this week by saying a heartfelt 'thank you' to those of you who email and message me, here and on Ravelry. I am always touched by your interest and well wishes, and I am always interested to hear your own stories. Thank you. It makes such a difference not to feel alone.

I haven't blogged for the past few days because I feel guilty to post and say I am happy (it feels like bragging) and posting to say things are not so good feels like whinging. I hope this is a symptom of the depression and that actually, you don't mind. I have been suffering the consequences of my usual status - thinking any small improvement makes me automatically "better" and then doing too much, and getting down again.

On Friday evening, we were invited out to dinner with a relative. Dom hadn't told her I was ill, so popped in on the way home from work to explain. I didn't want to cut myself off from her, but I feel a bit, well, naked.

Anyway, I went. I even got (reasonably) dressed up and wore make-up (the first time in 8 weeks). I felt very on show and rather uncomfortable, and I am afraid to say drank rather too much wine and spent the night being brittly jolly. I didn't know how a person having a breakdown should act. I felt bad for smiling, as though I was being a fraud, but also didn't want to spoil things by sitting there like a dark cloud. I guessed I hoped I would gauge their reaction to my illness, but that was too hard. They were clearly trying not to upset me, and I was trying too hard, so it wasn't the most honest of situations. However, the food was lovely and I genuinely enjoyed spending some time with my extended family.

The weekend was busy; being the first after the new term started, we all sort of slotted into the usual routines. I found this very demanding. However, I put on a false smile and did my best. I think it was telling that by Sunday night I was knackered and overwhelmed when Dom described the weekend as "very lazy." Whoops!

Charlie finished nursery on Friday and, even though the leaving was less dramatic than I feared, I still feel very sad. Bereft. The end of an era. He starts school tomorrow and is *so* excited he's been getting up at 5.30am and leaping up and down on the spot until he goes to bed. Yesterday I took him to the shops, which was very scary. I haven't done anything like that by myself since I got sick and, to be honest, it took me a little too far out of my comfort zone. Sunday night I woke up at 2.30am and didn't sleep the rest of the night, so I am absolutely dog tired. Charlie has been having all the usual tantrums and bad attitude associated with prolonged overexcitement and I have been finding it tough. Needless to say that today, despite wanting to mark his last day as a preschooler with some special and memorable activity, we have spent the day at home together knitting, watching television and chatting.

I keep telling myself that "good enough is good enough." Maybe that's the lesson I need to learn. I am naturally prone to over extending myself. At least the children are loved, well fed, clean, well dressed and shown genuine affection. Maybe the rest isn't so important?

I have to dash off and pick up Jonny and his friend from football training. I hope to be a bit more perky tomorrow. On a brighter note, I have the new editions of both Country Living and Coast, so I hope to find a bit of escapism later...

Hugs and love to all those who need a friend xx

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