Thursday, 30 July 2009

You win some....

Stash 002

New stash - hmmmmmmmm....

Last week I said to Dom that walking away from your business is very much like leaving a long term relationship. That mixture of feeling guilty, anxious, bereft, excited for the future, selfish and sad is all too familiar. It's weird because I didn't expect to feel so emotional about it at all. A lot of people have said that I had good business reasons to close the business (which I did, and it's comforting that other people respect and understand the decision I have made) but even so, they don't seem to understand the process of grief that I feel. Even things like having to re-dream your future, because your plans have now been changed enormously, feel the same.

What I hadn't prepared for is how much losing your business allows you to see who your real friends are. Like leaving a relationship people have to choose. My real friends have responded with love, reassurance and generosity of spirit. Without exception I have cried whenever they have sent me their heart felt messages, and they have meant so much on a very, very fundamental level. However there have been a couple of surprises. One person whom I expected to be there for me has been conspicuous by her absence. And another, someone I considered a close friend, has really shown her true colours and is currently and unashamedly trying to profit from the situation. It feels as though I have been slapped in the face. I had a good cry this morning (and shouted at Charlie, which I regretted instantly, but he caught me at a bad moment - I must make it up to him later). I actually feel really hurt, and rather silly that I ever considered the "friendship" to be more than a business relationship. And upset that I'm allowing it to effect me and my family thus.

The weather today has been sunshine and showers, some of them thundery with hailstones, and that's kind of an appropriate metaphor for how I have been feeling. On the whole, I feel much more postive than the last couple of days. However, there have been some quite dark moments. I keep trying to put a positive spin on things - the best I can come up with at the moment is that it's a healthy process to weed out the bad things, a sort of cleansing. A spring clean. And that feels good.

On the other hand, my lovely, lovely husband has taken me out for the day to get some jobs done and to cheer me up. He's brilliant and gently but firmly getting me to do the necessary things, help me prioritise and get me out of the house. We did some chores, like paying in cheques, taking the dry cleaning in and collecting my prescription, then he took me to a local cafe for lunch (which was a bit grim - frozen omlette) and cooed with me over the three newborn babies at the table next door. Then he took me to Dunelm Mill for a browse, to two local wool shops for a restash (yay!) and bought me the new edition of House Beautiful.

Speaking of which, I have only had a quick flick through but I was inspired by this gorgeous kitchen that I thought I would share with you:

Stash 005

Finally, he also treated me to some hand made chocolates and local cheese for dinner from a new deli in town. Despite some of the nasty shocks of the day, I have to say that I really, really am blessed.

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