Monday, 10 August 2009

Cozy blankets and dark days

The thing with a blog about depression is the worry that for everyone else reading it, it's going to be rather, erm, depressing. This fear has prevented me from posting too much over the past week.

It's been an up-and-down sort of time. There have been good days, baked cakes, delicious roast dinners, home-made blackberry ice-cream made from brambles in our garden, two days out to the beach, feeding monkey nuts to the squirrels, hours and hours on my lovely, lovely afghan with which I am in mad, mad love, a boat trip, a day out to the farm in which I held day old chicks and made friends with an old farm cat with one ear, who snuggled into my lap like he'd always been there and promptly fell asleep - and of course, my lovely, lovely boys with whom I am so lucky to spend my life.

There have, however, been lots of dark days. That hollow, haunting fear, the anger with myself, the complete frustration with the world, lots of tears, the lack of sleep, the depressive ruminations and the people that I feel let down by, over which I have lost far too many tears. I can't get perspective on this yet, but I can tell myself that sometimes a good spring clean of one's life is necessary and helpful. I am usually an upbeat, positive, optimistic person, so I guess that when I have my down days they are going to be bad - just because we experience ups and downs equally. At least deep depths mean high highs, I guess. The worst thing for me is not lows, but would be experiencing a sort of bland, magnolia sort of life. 

I have a doctors appointment on Thursday because something needs to change. I don't know whether my medication needs altering, or whether I need to stump up for private CBT, or have my coil removed (the GP suggested that the progesterone it releases might be making the depression worse, but I really don't want this to be the case as it's so convenient.) In addition to the depression I am experiencing a lot of post-shingles pain, and it's quite excruiating at times. The thing that helps the most is Solpedeine Max as usual painkillers don't seem to touch it. These have the effect of making me feel all warm and snoozy, which is lovely. So I am trapped in a depressed, but ultimately comfortable, place and whilst I desparately want to leave it, I am also afraid to walk in to the sunshine. Any sort of rebirth metaphor would be appropriate here.

What really frightens me - and deep down what I think I need - is to be signed off work. I have no idea how it would work, it would be most incovenient for everyone involved and I am sure that my reputation would be damaged in a very public way. I went in for a day last week and it was much, much tougher than I thought it would be, and the pressure isn't on at all yet. I feel as though I am starting to get better; that the wound is covered by papery-thin new skin. But it still hurts and feels very raw, and it would be wrong to assume I am completely healed. Deep down I am sure that it's going to take a long time to get better, but I can't shake the guilt that I am lazy, taking advantage of people and not committed.

My camera battery needs charging (no metaphor this time!), so I don't have the usual raft of pictures for you. I will try to get it charged (once it has been located) and update later tonight. However, I have been overwhelmed by the desire to sit and make blankets. I have made two in the last week - and bloody big buggers they are too. One was done in a day using size 20 needles and used up a whole heap of old yarn that I'd had for a long time and wasn't sure what to do with. It looks fab, and is really squishy. The kids and cats love it. I enjoyed being lazy and watching 'Dirty Harry' whilst it was being completed, but the combination of the big needles and heavy fabric gave me chronic RSI in my hands (oo-er)

The second blanket is the afghan - it now has 12 large squares and 11 rows of edging. I haven't measured it, but it's at least single bed size. I am in mad, mad love with it. I can't say much more to convey my affection but, as with all love affairs, every time I make a change, add a square or a new colour I initially think it has been ruined, only to find it has been enhanced beyond my wildest dreams. I don't care if other people don't like it, it really is like a third baby to me at this moment in time.

I haven't done much else in the way of crafting, despite putting the hours in, because those are such big projects in their own right. However, we did get up the shelves in the kitchen to display my lovely ceramic nick-nacks and it looks amazing. It really shows off the bunting tea set well.

Will get those pictures up, and update with some of the other projects I have done this year in the meantime. Thanks for sticking with me - especially through the depressive bits, and thank you for all the lovely comments, I am so touched by them all. Bloggers rock x

No comments:

Post a Comment