Winston Churchill famously referred to his depression as "the black dog." I feel inspired, at times, that people like WC have managed their depression and gone on to lead normal lives. One day, I will do more research into famous people who have overcome their depression and put it on the site, as inspiration.
All I know is that the big black hole has gobbled me up again. It's all the more bleak because I felt so much better before. This return of the fog has been a surprise, I'd kind of convinced myself that it was retreating, and that my recovery would be a straight line upwards. Of course that makes no sense, writing it down, but it made some sort of internal logic at the time.
It's hard to explain what the 'black dog' is like. It's a sort of buzzing of your head and chest; a tight, compressing feeling. I find myself repeating, silently "I hate myself and I want to die." That sounds ridiculously melodramatic, it's not that I want to die, more that I'd like to cease to be. Cease to feel. It's suffocating and heavy. A complete rejection of the self. I can absolutely understand why people drink and smoke too much to overcome this feeling, the very effort of not doing so makes me jittery.
The odd thing is that, at times, my mood is better. I enjoy having Dom around to talk to. Jonny was off sick today, and it was nice having his company. However, it didn't lift the dead weight in the same way. I enjoy surfing and popping into the forums and blogs I visit; at other times this is too 'loud' and I can't stand it. I don't even feel true to my depressive self.
However, I have been reading a really good book about depression that I will review tomorrow. In it, the author says that her mood was variable, but her depression (her illness) remained the same. She said that depression has a moral tone, whereas other serious illnesses do not. You would not expect someone with cancer, for example, to be cured because they were laughing. I found this very thought provoking.
Anyway, there are upsides. I found a new picture from Janet Bell (above) which I love, and which seems strangely apt for this entry. I am finishing the Bonkers Blanket of Madness, which is coming on brilliantly well and shall, I think, be my first piece of proper 'art' (that is, it has a meaning as its primary function, rather than a purpose). We are all healthy, and that's something to be thankful for. I hope you and yours are too.