Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Touching the bottom

The Jesster, looking intruded upon.

Hello gang, how are you doing today? Well, I hope? I am sorry I haven't posted for almost a whole week - where does the time go? I have been in a pretty crappy place, though, so I haven't been it the mood for blogging.

G'ah, everything feels so horrible at the moment. It's dark and cold, the end of a horrible month and the end of a horrible year. Dom is really very busy at work and is getting stressed out. The kids are fighting like cat and dog. Charlie has so overwhelmed by school, he is being really naughty - full of tantrums, chucking things around, hitting people and things (even at school, which I am ashamed of.) It just feels like he'll do anything to get a rise out of people, me especially. This starts, without fail, at 6am, and he will whinge, jabber, complain and shout until the moment he goes to bed. He has even started wetting the bed again, so I am up changing the beds a couple of times per night. I am worried about him. He's like a coiled spring, and I am not sure what I can do to get him to unwind.

Dom, I think, is getting very frustrated with my illness, the kids and the state of the house. He wants more support and I don't blame him. My inlaws are also getting very frustrated with my illness. I AM GETTING VERY FRUSTRATED WITH MY ILLNESS. However, I can't change it because other people have got fed up. Dom said at the weekend that he wasn't going to help me out anymore, because it wasn't doing me any favours. I can understand his thoughts, they used to be mine, but I actually feel very, very isolated and hurt.

I am not sleeping, and have started the day as early as 2.15am some days. This is not helping matters at all, and I am sure, is behind my  bad feelings.

On Saturday night I woke up wanting to end it all. I just want the pain to stop. I emailed the Samaritans, who were helpful. The emergency website the therapist gave me is no longer working.

I am frustrated so I am going to stop this post. I am sure I will get through this, but I don't know how. I don't even know where to go for help at the moment. I just want to touch the bottom, so at least I know I am moving upwards again.

Sorry for the depressing post, but I promised at the beginning it would be a 'warts and all' description of depression. Fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow.

Take care, speak soon

Claire x

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