Thursday, 5 November 2009

Remember, remember the 5th of November...


Good morning one and all. I hope you are OK today. I'm fair to middling, but I'll come onto that later. It's a gorgeous morning here is East Yorkshire - it's quite warm, actually (15 degrees) and sunny, with a heavy dew and mist. The fog buzzers on the Humber haven't been going regularly yet, but they soon will. The locals call the mist a sea "roake" - a word I'd never heard of until last year.

The pictures are of the Cottage garden this morning.


The boys are excited about bonfire night - we may go to a display at the local pub, Barn Farm, where we went last year. They both have a yearning for marshmallows that we apparently ate last year - how do children remember such things?! The pub has a HUGE pile of firewood that makes me laugh whenever I pass, it's literally the size of the two storey pub, although it's set well back in the field behind. A few weeks ago, a sign appeared outside the pub saying "firewood wanted for bonfire" then, the next time I passed this mountain of sticks and pallets had appeared from literally nowhere. Next, a rather pained sign saying "NO MORE WOOD!!!" appeared. It really makes me chuckle.


Personally, I am a bit out of sorts. I have actually had quite a good week, and I nearly posted on Facebook yesterday saying "Claire thinks she might be turning a corner." Do you think that jinxed it?! Hmm, me too! The house is a complete hole and it's getting me down, although I still feel fluey so have spent a lot of time on the sofa. I had a night of nightmares last night - does anyone else get these on SSRIs? I haven't had one for weeks, but these were real corkers, the sort you just can't properly wake up from and shake off. Dom was lovely, he woke up properly and just held me. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love that man.

When I wasn't dreaming that I was being chased by someone with a knife, or that everyone secretly wanted me dead and was plotting my murder, or that I was hiding behind a door whilst someone was chopping it down with an axe, I dreamed that I was an undercover policewoman pretending to be a stripper. The main things that worried me were a) uncomfortable stilettos, and b) the fact I was wearing a big 80s style multicoloured wig and I was worried it would fall off and my true identity would be revealed. I have to say, though, my flat stomach was something to behold, even though it was Tango orange. I wish I could rerun that part of the dream, I don't think I have ever seen myself with a flat stomach before.

There was also some other weird stuff, I could see shapes changing and morphing into other shapes and flashing lights. I really was afraid I was going mad, but deep down was wishing it on myself. Looking back, I must have been dreaming or at least semi-conscious, but it was disconcerting. If anyone can analyse dreams, please let me know what you think...

I have declined a social invitation today with the inlaws, which I am feeling relived about. They were very understanding - my mother in law sent me a text this morning saying she loves me, which I was very touched by. They have been fabulous. She and Dom had a disagreement about my treatment last night, and that has thrown me. He is of the opinion that I should be out and about and trying to act as normal. She is of the opinion that I should rest and take my medication at the same time every day, regardless of how woozy it makes me feel. They are both right in parts, and I try to do both things. I rarely go out, to be honest, and that's the way I like it. I know it worries Dom. But when I do have to drive, I try to go out when I'm not woozy (usually late afternoon) or take my tablets when I get home (approx 3 hours later, which you could easily do once a week with a lie in, for example, and not worry about.) Anyway, for whatever reason, I feel a bit got at. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I don't know when I will be back to normal and, to be honest, I've given up hope in the medical services. I worry that my family are frustrated with me but I don't have the answers. I have never had depression before. I have never lived this life before and, mostly, I can't be arsed to think about it. So I upset people. Gotta love the depression.

Anyway, I fear I have whittered on too long today. THANK YOU so much for listening, you have no idea how much it helps. Blogging, and reading other blogs, keeps me plugged into the world in a way I can cope with. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All the love in the world

Claire xx

PS I've had a disaster with the scarf, and may need to unpick several rows. Will report back tomorrow.


1 comment:

  1. I've read and lurked too long; I so enjoy the open honesty of your writing. It's rare and a joy to read.
    Especially as I've been through some (not all) of that stuff.
    Getting through the things that other people say, their opinions given as 'true answers to the problem', is always the hardest part to cope with.
    Hang in there.
    P x