Tuesday, 17 November 2009

End of an era


I am amazed by this time of year and I feel compelled to record it. I don't think I have ever paid much attention to late autumn before. We're on the cusp on winter; it won't be long before Christmas dominates and we all think of frost and snowmen. I can't get over how much the seasons have changed here in the last ten days.

It was a beautiful, crisp, cold dawn this morning. The weather is pretty but brittle.


The leaves have pretty much gone from the trees, thanks to the strong winds we've had over the last few days.


The tall trees at the end of the garden are almost bare. We only tend to get pigeons, doves and sparrows visiting the bird table.


The bright red leaves have fallen.

It's been a stressful 24 hours; I have been up since 3.15am. Yesterday we found out that we were personally liable for a business debt amounting to £3,800. Luckily we just about have the funds to pay it, but we're going to have to be really, really frugal over the next 12 months and I am worried.

We were advised by the professionals representing us that we would not have to pay this debt. We followed their advice to the letter. Essentially we have been caught out on a technicality caused by my inexperience. However, the company involved have been very threatening, we've had baliffs show up at the door without warning (not following the usuals procedures, just trying to put the frighteners on me). It's been very scary, especially for two people who are financially very prudent and afraid of debt. Right now, I think it's very unlikely I'll ever run a business again.

I haven't been able to tell you before, but this is why I have double locked all the doors and kept the windows and blinds shut over the last few weeks. We have all had a secret knock, so that I know who is at the door. I have been deeply afraid.

As well as the upset I feel an odd sense of relief too. Another chapter is closing. The bailiffs won't come knocking again. I can finally put this sorry mess behind me and start to lick my wounds.

Dom was amazing. I was afraid he wouldn't come home last night. I was so frustrated and ashamed with myself. However, he did come home, and he held me and didn't judge me. We had a quiet night watching the television. He was calm, understanding and not in any way judgemental. I know he finds the concept of debt frightening too, so I really, really appreciate his thoughtfulness.

Charlie was poorly again too; he came home from school and pretty much slept from 4pm - 7am. He's been so tired and overwrought since school began in September that I hope this long sleep is the start of him regaining his equilibrium.

I am OK, don't worry about me. I feel cherished and lucky. I feel loved. I love to see that, whatever the personal disaster, the sun rises and sets and the leaves still fall from the trees. It makes me feel small and, right now, that is what I need. I need to feel part of the universe, a small cog in a giant machine, rather than someone in control.

I'll leave you with my favourite picture of the day. Today I will sleep, watch Midsummer Murders, drink tea and eat soup and start to stitch together my Mum's blanket. I will be thankful for all that I have, which includes all you amazing people who pop in to see how I am doing every day. It really means the world to me.


I hope you find your own peace today. Love and hugs.

Claire xx


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