Hello, my lovelies. Is all good where you are? Are you dodging those shadows? There seem to be a lot around at the moment, don't there? These dark nights and mornings, and dull days are enough to make anyone lose their sparkle. Grab a cup of tea and we'll share a stolen 5 minutes.
I haven't been online for a few days because we've had problems with our broadband connection, again. It's so frustrating. Dom tells me patiently that it's because we live rurally AND we're the very last house on the village connection, but that's just not the point. I don't have tantrums about many things, but the internet is one of those things that I make an exception for. Friends are important, aren't they?
It's lovely here at the moment. It's half term and Dom is pottering about in the kitchen melting down honeycomb to try to extract the wax. He can swap the wax for bee supplies at Thornes, but I have a secret penchant for making them into candles. Maybe I will someday. I am wrapped in a couple of blankets on the sofa knitting and blogging. Jonny has gone to an indoor play centre with his mates and Charlie is using one of my handcrafted blankets to make a den under the desk. The whole house smells of honey, and we're listening to the Wiggly Wigglers podcast, which this week happens to be about composting.
I finally got my appointment with the Mental Health Services assessor yesterday and, I am sorry to say, it wasn't all that positive. I left feeling as though I hadn't been listened to again. I duly filled in the questionnaire, was patronised a little (yes, I know that lack of sleep means I'll be tired during the day and is likely to contribute to low mood). I her I was feeling suicidal and that I found talking to someone about it humiliating. Still no reaction.
The upshot is that she referred me back to the GP to review my medication as she was concerned that my side effects were unacceptable and I should have my dose lowered - I am not up for that, especially as I got no sense that she tried to get to know me at all. She recommended counselling - but there is a 12 month waiting list. That'll be 16 months since the day my world imploded. I have been invited back for 8 x 30 minute sessions for target setting, but I am not feeling very positive. I have to set some targets for what I want to achieve in these sessions. I am guessing that "to get well" will be seen as facetious. I explained that I don't feel as though my medication is working at the moment, and was told that I need to change my attitude toward it, as it's likely to be my negative thinking that's preventing the medication from working....
So now I don't know what to do. Short of slashing your wrists, how do you see a medical professional that understands AND has the expertise to prescribe effective treatment? It seems that this option is available if you are able to pay for it (we aren't). So now I am left, with no further medical treatment booked, in this horrible wilderness with no hope.
I'll post about this again. Each time I think about it, my mind stops working. It is so depressing. I feel as though I can touch death through a gossamer curtain and each time I seem to be poking it a little harder, just to see whether I can, hoping that the veil will not break. I frighten myself.
So, onto lighter things. I have started my Christmas crafting - do you want to see? Really? Ok then....
all these knitted squares are dishcloths and will be stitched together to go into my Mum's throw. This spring she redecorated her lounge with beiges / creams / golds / duckegg blue and the odd bit of coral. I wanted to mix up those colours and use texture to create something unique. I had been playing around with this idea for some time, but couldn't get it right in my head. Eventually I realised that if all my squares were DK weight on size 4 needles, and all dishcloth patterns, then they should be about the same size. The best thing is, they are pretty much. Any differences will hopefully be sorted out when they are blocked.
I bought some vintage cream yarn yesterday from Hobbycraft. I will crochet 2 round squares to make strips of cream that run between the strips of big, coloured blocks. Then I will trim the whole throw with a scalloped crocheted edge.
I'm having a little rest from the throw for now, yesterday I made another Seafoam scarf for Aunty Pauline in coral for Christmas, and I have cast on an alien scarf today for my father in law, Baz. He likes things quirky. He's a school caretaker and will love anything that appeals to the children. I have been itching to cast it on for weeks, and couldn't resist a moment longer. Besides which, it does you good to have a bit of variety, doesn't it?!
Right-o, I had better go and get on with some more work. I promised myself I would sort out the play room today and sort out any toys the boys can donate to charity. It'll create some extra space for the knitted goodies Santa will bring...
Lots of love and big hugs