Saturday, 22 August 2009

Blowing in the wind

Well hello there, friends. How are you doing today? I hope you are well and have enjoyed the sunshine as much as I have. But, blimey, I am so tired today! I don't know whether it's as a result of being up with the lark (i.e. Charlie) on Friday morning, or whether I have a cold coming (Dom's had one, and my nose has started to run this evening) but I am utterly cream crackered. Dom's gone out for a drink with some old friends tonight and, to be honest, it's nice to spend some quiet time alone - I've not had any time to myself whatsoever in about 5 weeks. I mustn't grumble though, I love having the family at home. I might celebrate by having an early night. Rock and roll!

The lady shed is coming on in leaps and bounds - I can't wait to show it to you. It now has lovely pink wallpaper up and 3 layers of white paint on 3 walls and the skirting boards. I spent 2 hours scrubbing paint off the floor this afternoon. Note to self: never assume paint will come off with a quick mop afterwards. Really, next time cover the bloody floor up. I have lost count of the amount of times I have fallen for this one, especially with tiles/laminate. D'oh!

It's been a quiet crafting time the last couple of days, I'm really struggling to keep motivated with the pink cable jacket. It requires a lot of concentration and it's something I don't have a lot of at the moment. So I switched to a lilac round cushion to go with the new Afghan in the dining room. It was done in two days and strangely satisfying.

Yesterday was a bleak day. On a scale from -5 (suicidal) to +5 (manic), I am sure it registered as a -5. I was exhausted, emotional, I had to tell a lot of clients about the failure of the business (so went the whole hog and went public with everyone) and I had to deal with some shitty paperwork. I don't know whether it was the stressful jobs combined with the low mood, lack of sleep or whether it was a one off. However, the black dog was on my shoulders the whole time. I was anxious, clingy and so depressed I could barely sit still all day. I had lots of suicidal feelings.

If there was a way in which I could simply just fade away without hurting my family and friends, as though I had never been there in the first place, that's the option I would take. If I could attempt suicide in a way that would put me in hospital and mean I wouldn't have to explain to anyone else again just how shite I am feeling, and how I can't cope with normal life, without serious risk to my actual life, then I would be tempted. But I'd hurt my loved ones, I would lose my freedom and choices, no-one would take what I said with any authority any more and I would be locked up with people I might not like and might not choose to be with. It's too much. I just want to feel very, very small. Insignificant. Tiny. As though I have no power or bearing over the world and it will just keep on ticking on without me perfectly well. Then I would just rewind privately, without having to explain to people what's going on. Stretch out the kinks and lick my wounds before I had to put myself back together. Maybe I have already crashed, maybe I haven't. In some ways I would just like to be more out of control. To sleep more. To think more. And to be much, much more selfish.

However, I am what I am. Just being is taking some accepting. Maybe that's the lesson I have to learn in all this, how to just be. I am not (yet) a raging lunatic. I can completely understand how, at this stage, people become addicted to drugs or alcohol - it's something I think about to a lot. If I could take or drink something that would relax me, perk me up or even just make me sleep, then Goddamit, I would. I am not sure whether that makes me a bad or weak person. I'm not actually sure whether I care anymore. At the moment all I know is that I love my family, and crafting quietens the gremlins' whispers. And that's it - that is what's important to me.

Sometimes I feel optimistic about the journey that is in front of me: it's exciting to be cast upon the wind of change and not know where it will take you. Other people seem to keep telling me it's an exciting and opportunistic time, but I am not sure that I believe them. Sometimes it feels very, very frightening and I wonder whether I will even survive, especially with these suicidal feelings. Mostly, I sort of feel quite distant from everything, like I am in a little perspex box that no-one else can see. It's safe and I quite like it in here.

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