Monday, 24 August 2009

I. Am. Not. Well.

Why is telling people about depression so tough? I've had a rough weekend, I'll be honest. I have done very little but crochet and sleep, and shout at the children. Bless him, Charlie keeps climbing all over me and trying to kiss me. He knows Mummy isn't well and, in his 4 year old way, he's trying to make me better. Jonathan knows too. I had a chat with him about the depression the other day, and he was very understanding. I explained that, since the day when I couldn't stop crying, I had been feeling very unhappy and I couldn't cheer myself up. I said that I still loved him, Charlie and Daddy very much and that sometimes I was OK and others I felt very sad and a bit frightened, but I had no control over it. I explained it's called depression and, like breaking your leg, you are ill and need to have treatment that will help you get better. He was sympathetic and really accepting, like children are. Since then he's tried really hard to help look after his little brother, he's bought be breakfast in bed and even did a bit of spontaneous hoovering (I know! I couldn't believe it either - although his bedroom still remains a pit, so normality still reigns, I am reassured.)

Work, God, work. I had an email today from work and nearly had a panic attack. I came over hot and cold, sweaty and clammy and started hyperventilating. Pathetic, isn't it? I know, in my heart of hearts, it's very unlikely I will be well enough for work in two weeks. I also know that, in the long run, it will probably be better for me if I do maintain some sort of normal routine. The problem is that my contract runs out in 7 days. Either I let the contract expire, or I have to commit to a new one. Or, I commit to a new one, and then go on sick leave. Great choice! Choice a) let my contract expire means that we will be seriously struggling financially. This is not fair on my family, and was the cause of much anxiety before I got the job at Longcroft. Choice b) means that I gamble on the fact I will be well enough and potentially put myself through panic attacks etc - none of which feels very alluring at the moment. Choice c - Dom's favourite - renew the contract and take sick leave if necessary - feels like the worst of all worlds. Banking on being well, having a public breakdown, then letting everyone down right when they need me.

Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to my parent's house for a few days and I really don't want to go. I don't want to be on show, I just want to be at home. However, it's the only chance the family have of a holiday and, as Dom says, it might do me good. Same dilemma, really.

I hope tomorrow I will be able to post something more positive. I feel completely lost at the moment x

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