Starting Anew

"Starting Anew" has been the caption under my Facebook profile for a good couple of years. Way back in the dark days of 2009, it was the only way that I could put a positive spin on the depression. Part of me, deep down, knew that I would get better, and that I would move on and maybe even flourish on day. "Starting Anew" sounded a bit like I was getting divorced (again), but I knew what it meant to me, my husband didn't mind, and so it stuck.

Well, today I am actually starting anew in a real and tangible way. Here before you stands a student! I have not been a student since 1997, although I was slimmer and prettier then, so I'm kind of hoping my new status invokes some of the old. But even so. Me, a student! Wow!

My last post didn't actually work in the way it was intended. I doubt very much that the tutor visited my blog as no-one responded to me email. Boo, Hull College, poor show. On the other hand, maybe this was a nudge from the hands of the Gods. Maybe Hull College was never meant to be. Rather than an Art Foundation course (which, if you think about it, is designed just to lead on to other courses), I am now a student on no less than a BA (Hons) in Textiles! Get me!

The course looks brilliant. It's with OCA and well worth a Google. I am desperately excited at being given the opportunity to experiment with new techniques and to make things with art as their primary function (for me, that means aesthetic and meaning, rather than being something that needs to be useful first and foremost). I've already done a BA once, but didn't feel confident enough to tackle an MA in a different subject, especially after all these years. The only real consequences are time (it'll take about 5 years to complete the BA, but that's cool, I'm enjoying raising my family at the same time and wouldn't want to short cut that) and money. It's eye wateringly expensive, for us, at least. I do worry about money, and I know that Dom does. But it's important to find some sort of meaning in the experiences of the last couple of years, and I really need a new direction in my career. I have high hopes that this course will suit both.

I'm very intrigued by the other students I will meet. Unlike last time, pretty much all the students will be "mature" like me. They all have their own talents, opinions, thoughts, families, home circumstances and personalities, and I'm really hoping that I get the chance to meet as many fellow students as possible, even if it is just online. University is quite unique in bringing together likeminded people, I think.

It's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I'm thrilled, excited, terrified, anxious, worried about how I'll fit it all in, buzzing with ideas and really keen to actually get stuck in. I'm also going to have to get a grip on our finances to enable us to do what we need to do with the resources we have. It's going to be a challenge, but I'm hoping it'll be a good one.

So, that's me! Back at school and feeling rather first day-ish. I'll keep you posted.

Lots of love

Claire x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer Update Part One - Baby Knitting and Adventures With Cake Part Two

Hello, blog lovers. I'm sorry I haven't had chance to pop by, but it's been a BUSY summer so far. I hope you are well and that you are having lots of fun with your crafting adventures and your families.

I'm doing just fine. I had an ME flare at the beginning of the summer, and was stuck in bed for about three weeks. That was incredibly frustrating as it just came out of nowhere with seemingly no reason. Having said that, it did pass eventually, and I need to remember to simply be patient and remember to just let it all wash over me. As luck would have it, my best friend Naomi was about to have a baby, so I spent that time knitting a couple of lovely little jumpers. I made a lilac baby hoody, which was so adorable my ovaries winced, from this pattern booklet (which was the one I very first re-learned to knit from, back in 2002) 

Yes, I made that little square hat. It was green with navy stitching. I even knitted the little garter stitch jacket in shiny green. It looked OK after I had finished (OK, brilliant in my eyes), and I was extremely proud of them. However, when Charlie came along three years later, he looked ruddy awful in them. And so they have never been worn, and will be lurking around somewhere in the loft. They're not so badly knitted (honestly), they're too bulky and badly shaped. Although, to be fair, it IS difficult to make a nice baby garment with just garter stitch and no shaping, I am sure. 

I also knitted that checked blanket. It took weeks and was so wonky that I threw it away. Sadly, no-one had told me about the joys of blocking. What a waste!

The other little jumper I knitted for the baby, who has now been born by the way and is an adorable bundle called CHARLOTTE, and is very obviously not a boy as we'd all believed, is from this fabulous blog: http://www.whattoknitwhen.com/ It's an adorable blog, and an adorable little cardigan, knitted in one piece:

Now I'll be honest, I haven't finished this one yet and it's gone onto the WIP pile. It is, therefore, entirely possible that lovely Charlotte may not be it's recipient given the rate that baby's grow. But I have adopted a new sentiment, which is that of the "hope chest." Mine is a small chest of drawers in the spare bedroom. Whenever I fancy knitting baby items (which, let's face it is frequently, given how adorable they are, and how quick they are to complete) I can make an item without guilt, and without needing to know a pregnant woman. These lovely items are blocked, labelled with their size, wrapped in acid free tissue paper and put into a plastic zip lock bag, ready for any appropriate gift giving opportunity. I hope to live a long time, and have a lot of babies to knit for amongst close family and friends (even if I have no more myself.) Therefore this is an entirely practical, and NOT RIDICULOUSLY EMOTIONAL thing to do at all, obviously. Even if all I do is give them to a charity shop, at least I get the enjoyment of knitting them in the first place. It's taken me a while to convince myself that these are not the actions of an almost menopausal woman who would actually quite like another baby even though it's pretty much impossible. These are, indeed, the actions of a benevolent, mature woman, for whom it is a sensible decision. Honest, guv.

 

Oh, and Aunty Pauline was 60 and I made her a cake. 

It was great fun, but it literally took a week to make. Which is why I don't do these things professionally.

I won't leave as long next time!

Thanks for dropping by,

Claire x

 

 

 

Panic Attacks

So, it seems I have a new "thing." I find it hard to write about crappy health issues because you must get bored of it. I don't want my blog to become known as the whingey blog, because no-one wants that, right? On the other hand, I committed to write about my depression (and by association, my ME, since that came after) so I feel obliged to give a realistic picture.

Generally, things have been pretty good for me recently. Depression wise I have stopped taking the anti-depressants and that has made me very happy, if a little scared. As I said to the doctor, it's like standing on the very edge of a precipice. You've managed to get over it safely, but one wrong step and you could be back at the bottom quicksmart. However, on the whole, I have felt as though it was a battle I was winning.

I'm struggling with my ME, I'll be honest. I've been feeling ill for three weeks. THREE weeks. Just because of one sodding day out. Then, feeling a bit too brave and not really 100% better, I decided to go out to town with my family on Saturday for a pootle around the shops. We were out for maybe three hours. I've been sick since. It's NOT FAIR, and I realise I sound like a little girl and I am embarrassed. I am grumpy, heinously frustrated and hard to live with. The other sad fact is there's not much more I can do personally. I'm taking my tablets, eating healthily, exercising as much as I can, sleeping whenever I feel like it. I'm challenging myself to get out and about as much as I sensibly can. Yet still I am not well, and I just have to put up with it. Grrrump. I just want a freaking normal life.

So, to top it all off, you can imagine my delight to discover that I am now having panic attacks. They have happened in the night, twice. I can't breathe. They're absolutely hideous. The first time I had one I thought I was having a heart attack. Last night I didn't have a panic attack, but I was awake most of the night worried that I was going to have one. Which means I have felt unwell all day, which starts my ME gremlins off. It's a viscious bloody circle.

So today's blog post was brought to you by Frustration and Irritation. Sorry it's not more positive. I really am seriously considering a course of CBT to help me deal with the anger I am feeling at the moment. Any tips would be very, very gratefully appreciated.

With love

Claire x

PS Have been working on some newborn hats, and I hope to bring you a tutorial by the end of the week!

Part One: The Journey and Taa-Daa: Carrot Bag

A couple of weeks ago, on the 15th March (which incidentally was my birthday), I had a work meeting in Essex. Given that I live near Hull this was a pretty long way to travel for a one hour meeting, especially for someone whose independence can be hindered by ME. That said, I was determined to make the effort, and I was determined to do it without crutches. All nine trains of it and 14 hours of it.

As the day approached I was filled with nervous excitement - the meeting was very exciting - but the journey also phased me. I realised, stood at Hull Paragon station with newly crocheted bag in one hand and a coffee in the other, that I hadn't actually left the house without a chaperone in two years. TWO YEARS. I felt wonderfully, wonderfully free. And a bit anxious. And I wondered exactly what had happened to me that I had gone from independent professional, to nervous recluse. The reality smacked me hard between the eyes: I have effectively lost two years of my life. How on earth can I make that up?

A few things really appealed about taking the trip. Firstly was the challenge of it. Secondly, all that peace and quiet and time to myself - bliss. And thirdly? Time to read, and to knit. It's not like I don't have a lot of time for reading and knitting but, to be fair, I thought it was a good sign to still be excited about my work thing enough to want to do it as a hobby thing too.

The night before the trip, having made myself a bag and a necklace (because I wanted to stand out, in a good way), I scrabbled through my stash trying to think of a new project to knit. I wanted something personal - for me. For so long everything I knit has been determined by my customers. I really enjoy this, but also once in a while it's nice to have complete creative control. I checked out my Ravelry list and eventually found a fabulous tank top that I could make for Charlie. It should look like this (and please excuse the rubbish picture):

What drew me to this tank top was the colour, and the quirky retro feel of the robot. I knew it was something Charlie would love. I'm also creatively very interested in clothes that allow children to role play but are proper clothes rather than dress up, and this fits the bill nicely. I could just imagine Charlie running around pretending that he is Robbie The Robot, as depicted on his jumper.

What I am going to tell you now will be of no surprise: I did not knit a stitch on that train journey. I only just managed a couple of chapters too. It all went swimmingly well - the meeting and the journey, and I spent most of my time gazing out of the window at the wonderful English countryside - lamb spotting, I'll admit it, or people watching. Both were very entertaining too.I listened to paper merchants and people talking hurridly in foreign languages on their phones. I watched a young man leave his iPhone and wallet open and unattended on his seat, so he could chat up the pretty girl a few seats down (Christ, I sound like my mother). I saw two rows of cheery toddlers in triple buggies watching the trains and hoping that someone would wave at them. It was brilliant. SO worth it. I absolutely recommend a trip somewhere new on the train, even if it's just to blow the cobwebs away.

But the knitting reclined languorously at the bottom of that newly crocheted bag, gathering bits.

I will come back to that robot tank top as, unfortunately, it's been somewhat challenging. However, I have also learned a lot about technique and tried out lots of new things, but they're unrelated to The Trip, really.I shall tell you about them tomorrow. However, in the spirit of The Trip, what is more relevant is this:

Taa - Daa! The Carrot Bag

The carrot bag was conceived in front of CSI. I LOVE crocheting these bags - (UK) DC round and round for the base until it seems large enough, then TC up and up until the bag is deep enough. I ran out of cream yarn before the end of the project, so used increasingly lighter cream tones until it faded to white. This worked amazingly well. I fancied a new edging as I often use shell edging on my bags and, after a quick mooch about, found this curlicue edging. I decided on green simply because I wanted it to co-ordinate with the bottom of the bag. It was only after I started that I realised it reminded me of pea shoots. Which is where the idea for the carrots came from....

The fabric inside is, actually, a bag in itself. As such this bag took quite a long time to make. For Christmas I was lucky enough to receive a copy of Lisa Lam's book The Bag Making Bible:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bag-Making-Bible-Complete-Customizing/dp/071533624X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301318481&sr=8-1

I LOVE this book, it is one of the best self-help books I own. I constantly pick it up when I am making bags because the techniques are second to none. The projects are great too, but I don't always want to make someone else's ideas up. I love the fact the techniques are including separately from the projects, but the projects link to the technique being taught. Does that make sense? It makes it easier to use the book as a tool to help you make your own things.

Anyway, inspired by Lisa Lam, I made a lined bag with inner zip pockets for my phone and purse. It was perfectly big enough for the things I wanted to carry (magazines and book) but not so deep I lose my knitting. It's an absolute bloody revelation to be able to make a bag that suits your needs perfectly. If you're any good at sewing, then I urge you to try it. You will feel like the cleverest thing in the world.

The carrot bag was satisfying to make and certainly eye catching. It's very practical too and I can see me using it a lot. Many people commented on it, even strangers. Some clearly did not like it much, but boo ya sucks to them. The only thing I'd change if I repeated the project would be to use a better quality yarn for the carrots. I only had mega cheap acrylic in my stash in orange, and I think it shows. I am tempted to buy some orange cotton - possibly Debbie Bliss's Eco Baby in DK - and see whether I can do a better job of it.

Anyway - love to you all, and back with the knitting techniques post very soon

Claire x

Half Term Crafting

Well hello lovely ladies and gentlemen of Blogland - it's nice to see you again. I've been away much longer than I intended.

It took four days of intense crafting to get the secret project into something that could be given as a gift - an hour before the party started! My fingers were sore, my back bent and my eyes crossed. The gift was held together with wonderweb and had a (smallish) key ingredient missing, but it was good enough. Dominic was thrilled. I was thrilled. Everyone was thrilled. It was all good. I shall post pictures tomorrow, if it's sunny. We've not had much sun, although this afternoon was nice. Fingers crossed.

I did not want to post pictures here until it was finished properly but, hoorah, I put the last tiny handstitch in yesterday! There was a good few days of behind-the-scenes hand sewing left to be done, but thankfully it is now complete.

I got a blog block. I feel a bit silly now I've just properly got on and JFDI, but there it is! I did not want to post until I could do my 'Taa-daa' post, and it took much longer to complete than I expected. I have also had six orders to make for Mrs Bee (three hats, one newborn hammock, one bookmark and one beehive sponsorship). I've also had a bit of an ME flare up which took a couple of days out of the equation whilst I slept / lazed around feeling sorry for myself.

Bedsides all this, it's half term. We've been quite lazy (again!) despite good intentions, but everyone is so tired at the end of each school term that it seems foolish to run headlong into big chores. So, we've been a bit lazy, eaten out a lot, seen friends, done some crafting.

Charlie made a stained glass 'window' and did a very good job of it indeed! He meticulously painted every bit (it was painting by numbers, but he didn't stick to that!) I helped a little too. I have put it away carefully and will frame it as a birthday present for my Mum.

Today we went pottery painting! We go to a cool place near York called Langlands which has the most delicious restaurant, and some pretty lovely things to look at. We had hot chilli chicken wraps with homemade chips and they were deee-licious.  We love going to 'Pottery Painting with Claire' (no, not me!) and this is one of our regular holiday activities. It's well worth a trip out if you're local.

This was Dominic's mug, he was very proud of it:

 

 

He has been spending a lot of time spinning honey this week, so the bee mug was very apt. He has reserved it for garden tea.

I had in mind a hand painted striped affair - wobbly, uneven lines, but thin, in shades of blue, white and pink. Oh fate, how you laughed at me:

 

Each time I got somewhere near what I wanted, the table wobbled, my arm got knocked or I just plain buggered it up. When it's fired these powder tones will become ultra bright. Even so, it looks a bit, urm, special, doesn't it? I have said I shall reserve mine for those times we have no guests. My fugly mug will be banished to the back of the cupboard at moments of celebration and sharing. Pottery painting fail.

Charlie looks rather pleased with his robot 'piggy' bank, doesn't he?!

 

He did a good job, but whizzed through the painting and had to be encouraged to go back and add more coats and touch up the white bits. He had a veeery long wait whilst Dom and I got stuck in and pretended we were there for Charlie's sake. Ahem.

I'll collect them in a week or so. I'll take some photos then and show you how they came out. Even though I wasn't overly thrilled with my efforts today, we had a lovely family afternoon, which is what counts I think.

Hope to see you again soon

Claire x

Going Up and Coming Down (parental advisory!)

I haven't blogged about my depression for a good while because, to be perfectly honest, it's been in check for the last six months or so. Not a day goes by when I don't say a silent 'thank you' for this, because depression truly is a bitch of an illness. What happened to me was that my physical symptoms seemed to galvenise and become worse, resulting in the diagnosis of ME. However, my mind began to clear.

Looking back, there were a few things that really helped:

1) My close family. Without the love and routine of my boys, I think I would have become nocturnal. I hated the routine at the time, but I think it did help to keep me on track.

2) A good therapist. Therapy was really tough, but it did help. I am sure it's probably something I'll drop in and out of over the course of my life.Rather than walking the old, worn down paths in my mind, it set me on a new path and I ended up in a different place. It takes practice to keep those new paths from getting overgrown, but it has helped enormously.

3) Crafting. I've always made things, but the intensity has varied at different times in my life, as has my craft. The deep, soul rendering desire to make stuff started six months before my breakdown. I would literally hide away, turn off my phones and email and treat myself to making time. At my worst, the crafting was the only positive thing I could think of and it helped to give me some structure and something to look forward to. Last time something similar happened to me, when I had Post Natal Depression, I cooked.

Over the last year the hobby has become more of a business requiring routine and self discipline. Last summer I sorted myself out a space to work, and I started to go there to work every day. That helped. It kept me focussed, it put me in touch with people. Through crafting I've had to face my demons (anything to do with organisation or anything official; using the phone.) A year ago this would have been impossible. Now I can do it.

4) Finally my lovely friends. They are mainly internet friends, but they have been wonderful. They've listened to me cry, offered sympathy and hugs, made me laugh and challenged me when I needed it. Thank you.

I'm writing this review because I'm coming off my antidepressants. This is a huge goal for me; I'm excited about life after medication. It's also one of those moments when you can say that the depression is now in the past.

About 3 weeks ago I started to reduce my ADs from 20mg (escilatopram) to 10 mg. It's been really tough! I was a bit blase about how well I would manage, because I'd forgotten quite how hideous the depression is. My weaning off the drugs has been hard - and I've felt anxious and depressed too. It's getting better though. But hats off to those of you who've been through this before me.

I'm also going to sneak in here a 'Taa-daa', because it's relevant.

I am part of a fab online community and have been for about eight years now. One of my friends from there, as a new mum, was getting very stressed about not coping and her house looking a mess. Oh haven't we all been there (my kids are 5 and 13, and I still am. That's probably just me though). Lots of more experienced parents gave their reassurance that it was quite normal and she shouldn't worry. She was not convinced; she'd expected it all to be so much easier. Eventually another friend told her to "fuck the fucking housework." This made me laugh and I have mentally referred to it on numerous occasions since. Quite. I like that sentiment.

So, last week when I was messing around looking for creative inspiration, I made this:

 

Now I'm happy to admit it's a bit rough around the edges. Machine embroidery didn't work, so I went over with hand stitching. If I were to do it again, I'd screen print, I think. However, perfection was Not The Point. It was about creating and learning.

Whilst I love the sentiment, I knew that my mother Would. Not. Approve. So I made a little modesty panel to whip on when you have guests:

 

Et voila! A cheeky little number that you can either keep covered up, chuckling to oneself about the sentiment underneath, or leave exposed for all the world to see and then cover up when older guests (or children) arrive.

Well, it made me smile. Speaking of which, please PLEASE check out this link. Each time I have visited I have ended up crying with laughter. Just don't do it if you're in the office or out in public; you'll get funny looks.

Lots of love

Claire x

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/5122/15-most-popular-autocorrects-from-january-2011/ Enjoy!

Wednesday Sneaky Peak

I'm not feeling very brilliant today - I have a sore throat, painful limbs and a feeling that I'm sat in a rocking chair in the back room of my head. Typical ME / CFS for me; it's not really about feeling tired.

I'll be fine, I'm learning to just go with the flow whenever I am feeling under the weather. So here I am, under a blanket, listening to Radio 4 and crocheting something for my new summer range. It's not so bad.

50 Things

Good afternoon blogland! I'm not feeling brilliant today so haven't been crafting much. I have been sent this link, so I thought it'd make an interesting blog post for today. So <deep breath> here goes:

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5.30. I overdid it yesterday and was sore and hurty. Not the most auspicious start to the day.

2. How do you like your steak? Pretty much raw. Just bash it on the head and lead it to my plate, I say.

3. What was the last film you saw in the Cinema? Up! It was good, but I mainly slept whilst Dom wept. Whoops!

4. What is your favourite tv show? CSI, Silent Witness, Midsomer Murders, Edwardian Farm, Waking The Dead. I love grisly crime shows.

5. Where would you like to live if you could choose anywhere in the world? I don't know because I haven't travelled much. Somewhere rural and away from other people. I like my own space to the point of being antisocial in real life.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Weetabix. And a large self pitying slice of chocolate cake with cream at about 11am when I realised I was likely to feel rubbish for the day.

7. What is your favourite cuisine? I like good food from all over the world - it's so hard to make me choose, it's like being asked which is your favourite child! I'm not hugely keen on hot, spicy food. I do love traditional British food.

8. What food do you dislike? Raw tomatoes (ick) and peanuts

9. Place to eat? At home, the best restaurant in town.

10. Most annoying habit? I'm untidy. Being tidy takes great effort and I can always, always find something more enjoyable to do.

11. you are....? A dreamer

12. Favourite clothes? Jeans and tops. Comfort is key but I do like brightly coloured, quirky tops.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Rome. My husband feels a real connection with the place and I've never been.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Always 1/2 full.

15. Where would you want to retire? Somewhere sunny, warm and laid back

16. Favourite time of day? When you first snuggle into bed and relax. Especially if you're cuddling.

17. Where were you born? Worcestershire

18. What is your favourite sport to watch? Football. I don't follow normal games, but I like the internationals and get rather too involved.

19. Bird Watcher? Yes- we have fab (and rare) birds here in East Yorkshire

20. Morning person or night person? Definitely morning.

21. Do you have any pets? Two cats, TC and Jess, 11 chickens, 1 bantam and 100,000 odd bees

22. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be like my mum when I was little. From about 12 I wanted to be a journalist.

23. What is your best childhood memory? Sunday school day trips to the seaside. Very old fashioned and very exciting.

24. Cat or dog person? Cat, definitely

25. Married? Yes, for 8 years this year. Best thing I ever did.

26. Always wear your seatbelt? Yes

27. Been in a car accident? Yes, a big motorway one, just the children and I. We didn't have any serious injuries, thankfully. It was a hideous and very scary experience.

28. Any pet peeves? Royal Mail. They are completely and utterly USELESS and I wish there was a viable alternative.

29. Favourite pizza topping? Ham and pineapple. So kitsch!

30. Favourite flower? I tend to like cottage garden flowers. Daffodils are fab because I'm always wanting signs of spring at that time of year. I'm drawn toward daisies mainly.

31. Favourite ice cream? Mint choc chip, but I'm not fussy!

32. How many times did you fail your driving test? Once. I was 22, a student, and 8 weeks pregnant with Jonathan so was feeling pretty vulnerable . I was completely over emotional and underprepared. I took it way too personally.

33. From whom did you get your last email?
From a friend about my money tree book

34. Do anything spontaneous lately?
My crafting this week. I've been trying to just open my mind and play rather than working out what's going to sell etc etc. I'm loving it! I'm definitely going to build more play time into my schedule in future.

35. Like your job? God, I adore it. I realised today I'd still spend my days making stuff even if I didn't sell it. You can't say more than that, can you?

36. Which store would you use to max out your credit card? eBay or Amazon. I hate trudging around the shops but I love buying stuff online. My postman gets weary of my habit.

37. Broccoli? Yum, yes please. We've got it for dinner tonight with sausages and jacket potatoes

38. Favourite vacation? As a family, Coombe Mill in Cornwall in February. We stayed in a cosy lodge on a farm and got up every day to feed the animals.

As a couple, it'd have to be our honeymoon in Jamaica. I'd love to be able to spend that sort of time together with Dom. I still adore him every bit as much, and more <vomit>

39. Last person you went out to dinner with? my parents, brother, aunt and cousin. It was lovely to catch up with my brother, Mark and my Aunt and cousin. I don't see them anywhere near enough.

40. What are you listening to right now? Radio 4 and audiobooks mainly.

41. Favourite colour? Scarlet.

42. How many tattoos do you have? None

43. How many are you tagging for this quiz? Anyone that would like to take part. Please feel free to add your comments or send me your links, I love a good nosey!

44. Coffee drinker? Yes but I prefer tea most of the time.

45. Smoker? No. Had a bit of a fling with smoking before I met Dom.

46. Irritating habit? Rubbing my feet together when I'm going to sleep. I'm not aware I'm doing it but it drives Dom mad!

47. Guilty pleasure? Too many to mention. Just the way I like it ;-)

48. Frustrated...? Designer. I'll get there one day...

49. Favourite game? Monkey Island and the like

50. Coast or inland? Coast. I am drawn to water, must be the pisces in me!

Go on, have a go, we would all love to read your answers!

Claire x

Play Time!

Hello gang, how are you doing? Well I hope? Quite a lot of my friends seem down in the dumps at the moment, I'm not sure if it's just that January feeling. I really wish I had a magic wand. Me, I'm doing quite well actually. I don't feel ill right now, just completely knackered. However, there's no shame in having a leeetle daytime rest is there? Good. I might take you up on that later ;o)

Today's opening picture is called 'anticipation'. It really made me smile. I found it on Sunday. Charlie's school have introduced a breakfast club where one can go for a half hour play before school plus juice, cereal and toast or a yoghurt. All for a bargain sum of 50p. Charlie was so very excited about having his breakfast at school and found it very difficult to wait. I was very touched to notice he'd written "tomorrow" on the school letter, unprompted, as he was counting down. And a heart. So sweet.

This week is a very special week for me, and I wish I had a bit more energy for it. My Doctor Who scarf is blocking, my orders have been made and posted and so I have that very rare combination of some time to myself and nothing to do. So I have been playing.

I have been pondering making textile pictures for some time. My notebooks are also very popular. It was natural that I would use these media to play with, I think. I've also been considering doing some craft fairs, and I suspect they're the sort of thing that would sell.

Looking for inspiration, I asked my Facebook friends for their favourite lyrics or film quotes. I got loads of brilliant ones, and have tucked away a few for future reference. Then, completely by chance, my friend Deb put this as her status update: "Wish I had a money tree so Andy could work less hours. We'd love to see more of him and his beard!"

Which inspired this:

It gave me a chance to play with my newly found love of machine embroidery - bliss. My favourite bit is the texture on the trunk and the apple button that's fallen off the tree. The sentiment is for my lovely husband, Dom.

The back of the notebook can't be plain. So look what fell out of the sky of inspiration:

I suspect we'll be seeing more of that apple motif. I'm quite taken with it.

I wanted the notebook to be practical too. So I made three flaps for holding folded paper, tickets, photos or postcards. Plus two business card holders - one for your cards and one for other people's.

What do you think? Do you like it? I'm planning to spend the whole week playing - it's a really liberating experience. I'll post the fruits of my labour - good and bad - as I go through the week.

If you want to help inspire the creative tangle in my head, please drop me a note with your favourite lyric, film quote or saying. I'll happily credit you with the inspiration and add a link back to your blog, if you wish.

Sending you lots of creative vibes

Claire x

 

Jumping Back In

Day 1 : Frog or Finish* Organise, Create

 

Well hello, Blogland. It's been a while, hasn't it?! I've missed you.

It's been a strange year 2010, pretty difficult but also pretty positive. I started off suicidally depressed and ended up, well, almost normal. I've made a lot of things along the way, and I've learned a lot about myself. I spent quite a lot of it in therapy, I got used to the discipline of using my Lady Shed / studio every day. From nowhere I've built up a lovely little business almost without knowing how it happened; I've just been doing what I love and what feels right. I've swapped the diagnosis of depression for that of ME / CFS (and I actually think they both were accurate) and I'm learning how to manage the CFS and am having more and more good days. I would say that I'm almost back to normal, health wise, except for the medication and crutches. However, I suspect I have invoked the Law of Sod as today I feel crappy. You've gotta laugh.

I feel the need to explain my absence from the blog in recent weeks. When I first crashed and burned I needed to understand what was happening to me - and the best way I could do this was by blogging. I didn't want to talk to others, you know - the real life people, and so it was great to analyse my feelings on here. Gradually more and more folks started to follow the blog and I got performance anxiety - I needed the blogland version of Viagra. When you hear that others are struggling too it feels wrong to just talk about the positives, and a bit... erm... depressing to carry on just about the negatives. So I wasn't quite sure what to write about.

Also - and I'm not sure if this is common with those recovering from depression - I suddenly felt the need to be very private. Much more private than I have ever been before. Like a fresh, naked plant shoots from the earth I wanted to protect myself and I wanted to be alone. This has been tricky for my extended family because I've not wanted to be with them either. Just me, my husband and my boys. And my fabulous online friends who have only ever accepted me for being me and have never questioned my absences or the times when I went over the top.

Anyway, right now 2011 feels a bit scary. I'm guessing it's the first time that I have properly planned forwards. Christmas was lovely in bits, and tense at times. I'm looking forward to time alone to look at my goals.

I'm not setting new year's resolutions because I am still doing the 101 in 1001 project. I'll review that here soon. However, I have chosen three themes to work on every day - I want to be:

Creative, Organised and Kind <3

Each day I will endeavour to do one of the three and take a photo.

Creativity is important to me because I feel the urge, deep down in my soul, to make things. I also hope to do a textiles degree in 2012 (I need to save up first!) This year will be about experimentation and preparation for the bigger goal of my degree. Also, the creativity works it's magic and makes me feel happier, more relaxed and healthier. Therefore, it's currently a priority in my life.

being Organised is key to me achieving my goals. I'm not the most organised woman in the world. Hell, I'm actually spectacularly DISORGANISED.  I find personal organisation really challenging. However, in order to reach my goals I know I have to get my head around it. This includes practical things - like organising my deadlines, my studio space and paying off our credit card so that I have more choices.

Kindness is very important to me too. I'd like to think I do a reasonable job at being kind to my family and friends, but I want to increase what I do. Also, hand on heart, I'm not always very kind to myself. So this resolution involves eating more healthily, exercising, getting my hair cut and looking after myself. It also involves giving of my time and resources to charity (note - not just giving money, but my time to being a governor at our local school, as well as donating things I've made and items to charity shops). Lastly, I want to be involved with random acts of kindness. Blessed is the hand that giveth.

So, this leaves 2011 with the fantastically abbreviated COK Project!

* Day 1, as you can see from the picture at the start, was a Frog or Finish day. Frogging is a knitting term - when you rip it, rip it, rip it back. I have lots of projects that remain unfinished (I like to do several things at once) so this is their ultimate fate. Either I finish them, or they get turned back to yarn and the needles freed. I finished this crocheted cushion - RIP the summer shrug. C'est La Vie.

 

Day 2 : Working on Charlie's Quilt, Create

Its been a year in the making so far, and it needs to double in size - and that's just the top. I will finish it in time for the arrival of his new bed sometime this year. This is an ongoing project.

 

Day 3 : Making Recycled Christmas Tags, Create, Kind (recycling)

 

Charlie and I cut up the old Christmas cards before recycling the backs, and made gift tags for Christmas 2011. I was rather proud of how they turned out, and remembered doing exactly the same thing with my Mum in the 1970s. Funny how these simple, cylical things can feel so good.

 

Day 4 : Tidy The Corner, Organise

 

You would not believe what a mess this corner of my studio had become with the rush of Christmas orders. This is where I store my yarn, buttons, ribbon and findings.  Thankfully it's now restored to quiet calm where my creative juices can take hold.

Darker Nights, Lighter Me.

Well hello there guys and dolls. I hope you are all doing well, and are not minding the shorter days too much? I love them, actually. I always think I love  spring best and, much as I do love it, there is something so romantic about the changing colours of autumn, and the mists and dew and fruit. It's a throwback to school times, I think, but September to me really feels like the month of new resolutions and routines and commitments to be better. Usually, at this time of year the commitments are personal; to cook from scratch more, to keep the house tidier. I rarely manage the latter, but to hell with it. I keep trying, and that's what matters.

It's been a BRILLIANT month or so. I have felt so, so much better. The depression is starting to lift - HOOORAH! I have been willing it to lift for months, convincing myself that it was going and that it's departure could be measured. However, like you embrace the extra minutes of daylight in January and February, it seemed too long in coming and I feared I would never be right again. However, somehow over the summer, my eyes turned away from the depression. And now, like early March, I can definitely see that there's less darkness. It's not summer yet, but it's not winter either. And boy, am I happy to tell you that.

One (rather large) downside to my health issues is that I have recently been properly diagnosed with ME/CFS. However, I'm feeling upbeat about it. I do use crutches and I do have pain but, on the whole, it feels so much more liveable with than the depression and, dear Lord, am I grateful for that. I am still at the stage where I am learning what I can and can't do, and some days I can do precious little. However, that's cool. At the moment I can sit on the sofa and knit, which pleases my soul.

I'm knitting furiously for my autumn / winter season on Folksy. Part of me is chuckling because I really have missed the boat. However, if I can get my lines up my the end of the first week in November I will be pleased. Next year, I will start seasonal knitting MUCH earlier!

I have to stop now - we're having toad in the hole for dinner and it needs my attention. The darkness is drawing in and Dom will just have set off from work. Charlie is watching Ben 10 on television and Jonathan has just come in from playing football, all muddy and smelling of earthy grass and is heading up for a shower. I can't tell you how much I love my little family. It's just a deep feeling of happiness and satisfaction, warm and fuzzy like cocoa on a cold day. I am very lucky to live my life. It has its ups and downs, and its challenges, but I have such special people around me and for that, I am blessed.

Love to you all

Claire x

PS the picture is of my baby knotty hat, knitted for a friend and photographer. You can find it here.

Hello old friends!

Wow, it really has been some time, hasn't it? Well all is well here, I hope it is with you too. The boys have all gone back to school today, so I'm not sure whether to be delighted and enjoying the peace and quiet, or a little doleful. Maybe a bit of both.

As for me, well I'm not the best. I've recently got the diagnosis of ME / CFS / CFIDS. I'm not surprised at all, I've been concerned it was this for quite some time. My main symptom is terrible pain, in both my joints and muscles. I need crutches to walk long distances. I also get very, very tired and struggle sometimes with even very simple activities. I sometimes have other symptoms like brain fog (this morning I couldn't remember how to do up my bra, or how to knit a knit stitch - thankfully that passed!), I have sore throat, headaches and bad moods. The moods are usually associated with the pain though.

The depression has lifted a bit over recent months. The anxiety still knocks about though and some days are worse than others. However, I'm taking a postive mental attitude to all this health crap - I'm exercising gently every day, I'm trying to challenge myself, and I'm trying to pace my activities. I find this the hardest of all! A year or two ago I would have loved someone to tell me I *had* to rest during the day, but guess what?! Doing nothing is harder than you'd think!

I'll be honest, I kind of got myself in a catch 22 about blogging. I didn't want it to be an online whinge. That's not good for you, nor is it very positive for me to do. However, sometimes I don't want to look on the bright side of life either. I just drifted away from blogging because, I suppose, I've been grieving a bit. I also started to get a bit resentful at all those "perfect" domestic bliss type blogs that I previously loved. I guess I was grieving for my old life, for simple happiness, for the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want.

I am learning, though, that I have a different kind of freedom. I can learn things - I'm quite good at that. When my brain is too dulled for reading, I can knit (the physical action requires little concentration and appears to reside in a different part of my brain to the reading bit). I have a family that I adore, and looking after them gives me great pleasure. They also drive me mad! So I'm back with the complicated knot of feelings that exists in my head.

Craft wise, I've not stopped! I'm getting quite a few paid jobs now, which is absolutely brilliant. Do you see my monkey hat above? Doesn't Charlie look gorgeous? That was for a photographer in Leicester. I couldn't get the pattern right and it took about four goes before I was happy that the final result was an appropriate size.

We've had a crafty summer holiday. The boys have been a bit frustrated that I haven't been able to be as active as normal - we've had very few days out swimming, or out wondering around the coast. My legs haven't been up to it. Instead I've spent the time with Charlie teaching him how to sew, and we've face painted, made slime, drawn hundreds of pictures, painted, baked, chalked on the patio, cut out, made collages etc etc. It's been fun. And look at this - I am so proud of my naked sewing five year old!

 



That's all his own work, that is! He has a natural talent! I have high hopes for him!

I'll end this post with my favourite picture of the summer, Jess nestled comfortably on my bonkers blanket. I never did get round to taking a photo of it because I didn't completely finish it! Maybe I'll get back onto that, when I don't have a list of projects in my head...

Sweet dreams!

Claire x