This woman's work: Limoncello and amigurumi

Just a quick post tonight, as its late and I am exhausted. Its been a busy day at the cottage. The baby fed, quite literally, all night and I woke with a sore back from twisting around her slightly in bed. Thankfully I feed her lying down an night, so I managed the odd doze. I awoke late, so Charlie was late for school and, because I'd had to wake her abruptly (and she hadn't had enough sleep either,) the baby was grumpy. Just as I'd poured myself the first cup of tea of the day, Jonny appeared and said he'd missed the school bus. 15 minutes later I'm driving us all the 15 mile round trip to school.

I've tried to work today, honestly I have, but the darkness and the horrible, cold rain has conspired to prevent me from being too motivated. I cut up some paper, and finished my hand and footprint tiles, which I will share with you another day. I am pleased with them. Then, right on cue, Florence woke up and I spent most of the rest of the time baby wrangling. Or baby wrestling, as my friend calls it. Florrie's a big, heavy baby now who won't sit still. She's prone to suddenly arching her back and flinging herself around. Wrestling is an accurate description.

Still, the baby went into the sling and that gave me chance to work on the next stage of the Christmas alcohol - home made Limoncello and Blackberry vodka. I spent a relaxing couple of hours mixing up sugar solution, sterilising jars and pottering about.

 

The now sweetened lemon vodka will now retreat back into the fridge for a week to infuse some more, before I strain the lemon zest out and bottle it. 

Here's the recipe in case you fancy having a go. There's still time before Christmas

Limoncello

6 small unwaxed lemons

1 litre bottle vodka - cheap will do

750g caster sugar

750ml boiling water

 

1. Wash and sterilise a large Kilner jar by putting into a cool oven for 10 mins (gas mark 1/ 140 degrees C)

2. Wash the lemons, then grate the lemon zest finely, taking care not to take the pith (ha!)

3. Put lemon zest into sterile jar and pour over the vodka. Secure well and store in a cool, dark place for one week. Shake everyday - it looks like a snowstorm of yellow snow (nice)

4) After a week has passed, measure out the sugar into a large bowl. Add freshly boiling water and stir carefully until the sugar dissolves.  You can tell when the sugar has dissolved as it goes clear, and if you put a spoon into the mixture, you can't see or feel any granules on the back of the spoon. Stir the lemon infused vodka into the sugar syrup.

5) Wash the Kilner jar, along with another of the same size, and sterilise both. Pour the combined mixture of lemon vodka and sugar syrup into the jars. Store for another week, shaking every day. Strain the Limoncello through a clean muslin cloth and decant into pretty, sterilised bottles.

Store in the freezer and drink neat, use in cocktails or pour over ice cream.

 

 

The blackberry vodka is proving to be more of a challenge as we've gone a little off piste with this. We wanted to use the blackberries left over from the railway jelly, so we bundled them into a demijohn and added vodka. I've been keeping notes. I'll share them with you at a later date.

 

I also wanted to share this little dude with you. Well, dudette. It's Cactus Jacqui!

How I enjoyed making her! The pattern was free, enjoyable to crochet, and I made her up in a night! a perfect project. You can find the pattern here.

Cactus Jacqui is part of a gift I've made for a handmade Secret Santa. I need to post her tomorrow, hopefully the postman will deliver her safely to her new home on the other side of the country.

 

Well. That wasn't quick, was it?! Thanks for hanging out with me again, though, its always fun.

Claire x

 

 

Jam

I do love making preserves. There's something about the alchemy, and how much nicer home made jams taste than shop bought, that makes me feel all domestic goddess. It's quite simple, really (but don't let on to anyone else...) As part of my Christmas series, I am making jams and jellies this year for my nearest and dearest to go in their stockings.

If there is a secret to jam making, then I think it is this: use the right tools. My jams and chutneys have been a hundred times better since I bought a jam thermometer and use jam sugar. The thermometer was a fiver from Lakeland, so its not as though these tools cost a lot, either. Jam sugar, unlike granulated, has added pectin  - the stuff that makes the jam set. You can just use granulated sugar, and its a lot cheaper, but I had a lot more failures. I say failures, the jam still tasted delicious, but it was runny and only really good for adding to ice cream. Jam sugar has so far meant that every jam or jelly I have made has set beautifully.

I save jam jars throughout the year, and get our relatives to pass theirs on too, which not only is good from an eco point of view, but also saves a substantial amount of money. Just make sure reused jars are thoroughly washed and dried before storing - the dishwasher does a great job for us.  Alternatively, I have heard that Asda sell value Lemon Curd for 22p, which is cheaper than you can buy the jars for online. You can ditch the Lemon Curd (although that feels a bit wasteful to me) and just use the jar.

My other tip is to use turps to get rid of all those old sticky labels - it cuts through the old glue like nothing else, and believe me I have tried EVERYTHING. Be very careful to wash it off thoroughly though, because turps is poisonous. I rinse and wash my jars six times, using fresh water and neat Fairy liquid straight onto the glass each time to ensure that the turps has been properly washed away. You then just need to sterilise the jars and their lids by putting them onto a baking tray and putting into a low oven (gas mark 1, 140 degrees C) for about 20 mins. This kills off any bacteria hanging around that would otherwise ruin your jam.

This year I used old pesto jars and teeny, tiny Kilner jars that cost £1 each from The Range - what a bargain! Not only do they look pretty, but they are fabulous for single people who may not use a big jar quickly enough - and they make your produce go further, which is a bonus when economising. The Union Jack jar labels were from Lakeland in the summer - 49p for the lot in the sale after the Jubilee! Unfortunately they've sold out now, but I do keep an eye open on their site as they have some lovely things.

I made Lemon Curd and marmalade (from this brilliant kit; it was easy and delicious, and I didn't need to remember to buy Seville oranges in January.) I also made blackberry and apple jelly, which I called "Railway Jam" as the blackberries were picked from our local disused railway line in September. Dom's Grandad, who is almost 90, drove the very last train along that line. We asked him how he knew it was the last train, and he said it was the one pulling the machine that pulled up the lines! The blackberries were delicious, and it has made lovely bittersweet, jewel coloured clear jelly. Dom got a few war wounds picking them in the first place, though, but thanks to his valiant effort, we got 4lb of free fruit! The jelly is also suitable for some of our older relatives who have false teeth and don't appreciate jam with little seeds.

I'll admit to a disaster - I tried to make the delicious sounding Apricot and Champagne conserve. I found a recipe in a lovely preserving book I have, peeled the 4lb of apricots and soaked them in sugar overnight, as instructed. However, despite following the recipe to the letter, the fruit burned on the bottom of the pan before we'd even got to the rolling boil stage. I later found out that this is quite common with apricot jam. Delia recommends buttering the bottom of her pan - I tried this and it worked beautifully second time round. The butter also meant there was no scum on the top of the jam.

They say necessity is the mother of invention and, in this case, it's true. I didn't have anymore fresh apricots and I needed to finish the jam that day. I raided the cupboard and came up with two cans of apricots, and two of peaches. I decided to risk it - and it worked beautifully. The fruit kept its shape well, and didn't need soaking overnight either. I used Asda's Smart Price peaches and apricots and, at 28p a tin, it was much cheaper too!

The end result was delicious - sweet and tangy, with golden slivers of fruit suspended in the clear jelly. I decided to call it Bellini Jam, and I am happy to share the recipe with you.

Bellini Jam

Makes 2 x 1lb jars

2 x tins of apricots (approx 225g drained weight of fruit per tin)

2 x tins of peaches (approx 225g drained weight of fruit per tin)

630g Jam sugar

Juice of one lemon

200ml dry sparkling wine or Champagne

A little butter, for greasing

 

1) Put a couple of saucers into the freezer

2) Wash and dry your jars, then place into an oven at gas mark 1 / 140 C for 20 mins.

3) Butter the bottom of your pan thickly.

4) Strain the fruit from the juice. Chop finely.

5) Add the chopped fruit to the pan with a couple of tablespoons of cold water, the lemon juice, the Champagne and the jam sugar. Put in the jam thermometer whilst the mixture is cold.Heat gently until the sugar has totally melted - you can see when this has happened by checking the back of your spoon - there should be no granules visible. It'll probably take about 10 mins.

6) Once the sugar has melted, turn the heat to high and bring to a rapid, rolling boil. Keep boiling until the temperature reaches 220 degrees. Around this stage test regularly to see if you have achieved a set. Get the frozen saucer out of the freezer, and drop a teaspoon full of the hot jam onto the saucer. Bring the saucer up to eye level and slowly push your finger through the jam smear. When the setting point has been reached the jam will wrinkle up.

7) Once the setting point has been reached, turn off the heat and use a slotted spoon to lift off any scum that has formed. Carefully pour the remaining jam into the hot jars using a ladle and jam funnel. Be careful, it's REALLY hot! Put the lids on tightly and leave to cool for a few minutes. Using oven gloves or a tea towel, turn each jar upside down momentarily - this will heat your lid and create a vaccum, keeping your jam fresh for longer.

Enjoy over luxurious breakfasts and lunches.

 

Claire x

So, I've been keeping a little secret....

And before you ask - NO! I'm not pregnant! hahaha.

Earlier in the year I had the good fortune to come across some very lovely ladies who work at All Craft Media, the publishing company that produces such brilliant magazines as Handmade Living, Sew Hip, Knit and Inside Crochet.  The link was made through the Folksy blog, as they were looking for craft writers. I sent off a quick 'hello' with some ideas, fully expecting to hear nothing in return. To my amazement I was offered a regular gig - a monthly column at Handmade Living. Yippppeeeee!

I've got a few editions under my belt now, so I wanted to share them with you. I wanted to keep this under my hat for a bit, because it didn't seem fair to share the content of my pieces with those who had not read the magazine. I'm going to use my blog to share the back story of my pieces, and to point you to the places you might buy this magazine of fabulousness. It's available from Hobbycraft, WH Smith, Morrisons, Asda, Sainsburys and Martins. Good local newsagents will order it for you if you ask them. You can download an individual digital edition by clicking here, or you can subscribe by clicking here.

Here was my first piece:

Called "Tea at Nan's" this piece reminisces about my summers as the youngest child of a gaggle of 10 cousins. We would chase each other around the vegetable patch, play hide and seek and feed our dolls with a bakelite pink plastic teaset.

 

 

Sunday tea was always a special occasion. There were loads of us crammed into my Nan's best room - twelve adults, ten children and sometimes other friends and neighbours. The adults *all* smoked - the men mainly smoked pipes, from what I recall, and I still remember it's heady scent, mixed with the tang of coal dust, fondly. After tea we were allowed a sip of sherry mixed with lemonade, if we were lucky. I don't even think that the adults were allowed undiluted sherry, and one was very definitely everyone's limit. My Nan was extremely concerned about What The Neighbours Might Say.

 

Whether it was winter or summer, tea was always tinned salmon sandwiches (cut into triangles; a luxury in our house), plain crisps bought from the pub, salad separated out into individual bowls and pork pie. Woe betide the person who ate the last slice of pork pie! Pudding was a community affair - my mum and most of my aunties were keen bakers, so we often had a selection of home made shortbread, chocolate cakes and - best of all - my Nan's pointy little rock buns. These delights were usually served with warm Cornish ice cream (Nan had no freezer, so someone would dash to the village cafe for the ice cream before Tea, and we would eat it semi-melted.) Strangely enough, our family would also eat bread and butter with their pudding - my Mum tells me this is a war time trick to make the good things go further. Even if it sounds weird, brown bread and butter with ice cream is delicious, believe me.

During The Tea, my Grandad's friend would always turn up with a contraption that was something important to do with racing pigeons. To this day, I'm not sure what it was. As a five or six year old, I was never allowed to accompany Grandad to talk to this man in the hall. Instead I used to stand next to the door, and push my face against it's creamy, smooth gloss paint in an effort to work out this mystery.

 

I thought I'd share with you the recipe for my Nan's delicious buns. The photos are ones that I took this summer, having given them a bit of a modern facelift. Nan's were always plain and, as I said earlier, always pointy. They didn't come in fancy cases either. This is a war time recipe passed down my family, and it's still just as good today as it ever was. I only need to bake a batch to be transported back to my Nan's happy, hot and slightly damp house. My sons love them too, unaware of the history behind them. Enjoy! X

 

225g Self Raising Flour

85g Margarine

30g Vegetable Fat (like Trex)

110g Caster Sugar

2 eggs, mixed with milk to make 1/4 pint

 

1. Pre-heat the oven to 90C / 200F / Gas Mark 6

2. Rub the margarine and fat into the flour, or whizz in a food processor, until it has a breadcrumb-like texture

3. Mix in the sugar

4. Whisk the eggs and, if they measure less than a 1/4 pint, top up with milk

5. Add the egg mixture slowly (I drizzle it in whilst the food processor is whirring). The final mixture should be a dropping consistency - slowly add more milk if it's dry.

6. Spoon the mixture into greased bun tins, or paper muffin cases.

7. Bake for 15-20 mins until golden brown.

 

You can change the recipe by adding 110g of dried fruit, glace cherries or chocolate chips. You can also substitute 30g of cocoa powder for the self raising flour. Decorate with melted chocolate and brown sugar.

 

Summer Update Part One - Baby Knitting and Adventures With Cake Part Two

Hello, blog lovers. I'm sorry I haven't had chance to pop by, but it's been a BUSY summer so far. I hope you are well and that you are having lots of fun with your crafting adventures and your families.

I'm doing just fine. I had an ME flare at the beginning of the summer, and was stuck in bed for about three weeks. That was incredibly frustrating as it just came out of nowhere with seemingly no reason. Having said that, it did pass eventually, and I need to remember to simply be patient and remember to just let it all wash over me. As luck would have it, my best friend Naomi was about to have a baby, so I spent that time knitting a couple of lovely little jumpers. I made a lilac baby hoody, which was so adorable my ovaries winced, from this pattern booklet (which was the one I very first re-learned to knit from, back in 2002) 

Yes, I made that little square hat. It was green with navy stitching. I even knitted the little garter stitch jacket in shiny green. It looked OK after I had finished (OK, brilliant in my eyes), and I was extremely proud of them. However, when Charlie came along three years later, he looked ruddy awful in them. And so they have never been worn, and will be lurking around somewhere in the loft. They're not so badly knitted (honestly), they're too bulky and badly shaped. Although, to be fair, it IS difficult to make a nice baby garment with just garter stitch and no shaping, I am sure. 

I also knitted that checked blanket. It took weeks and was so wonky that I threw it away. Sadly, no-one had told me about the joys of blocking. What a waste!

The other little jumper I knitted for the baby, who has now been born by the way and is an adorable bundle called CHARLOTTE, and is very obviously not a boy as we'd all believed, is from this fabulous blog: http://www.whattoknitwhen.com/ It's an adorable blog, and an adorable little cardigan, knitted in one piece:

Now I'll be honest, I haven't finished this one yet and it's gone onto the WIP pile. It is, therefore, entirely possible that lovely Charlotte may not be it's recipient given the rate that baby's grow. But I have adopted a new sentiment, which is that of the "hope chest." Mine is a small chest of drawers in the spare bedroom. Whenever I fancy knitting baby items (which, let's face it is frequently, given how adorable they are, and how quick they are to complete) I can make an item without guilt, and without needing to know a pregnant woman. These lovely items are blocked, labelled with their size, wrapped in acid free tissue paper and put into a plastic zip lock bag, ready for any appropriate gift giving opportunity. I hope to live a long time, and have a lot of babies to knit for amongst close family and friends (even if I have no more myself.) Therefore this is an entirely practical, and NOT RIDICULOUSLY EMOTIONAL thing to do at all, obviously. Even if all I do is give them to a charity shop, at least I get the enjoyment of knitting them in the first place. It's taken me a while to convince myself that these are not the actions of an almost menopausal woman who would actually quite like another baby even though it's pretty much impossible. These are, indeed, the actions of a benevolent, mature woman, for whom it is a sensible decision. Honest, guv.

 

Oh, and Aunty Pauline was 60 and I made her a cake. 

It was great fun, but it literally took a week to make. Which is why I don't do these things professionally.

I won't leave as long next time!

Thanks for dropping by,

Claire x

 

 

 

Adventures with Cake! Part 1

In more cheerful news, we have had a couple of BIG family birthdays this month. My Father-in-law Baz, or Pops as my boys call him, was 65. He finally retired from his job as a school caretaker, which he absolutely loved. At this moment, he and my mother-in-law are sunning themselves on a cruise of the Med, the lucky things, in celebration of the next stage of their lives.

There are a few things you need to know about Baz. He's a musician, and a self confessed ladies man. And he looks a bit like Father Christmas. As he's a big flirt, my mother-in-law asked me to make him a booby cake. A BOOBY cake?! Well, erm OK then, it could be a laugh....

 

I made two cakes, one a vanilla sponge and one a coffee cake - Baz's favourite. I baked them both in Pyrex mixing bowls, as the cake needed to feed 60 at his surprise birthday party. This took HOURS - about 3.5 hours per cake! After this, I cut them in two places and sandwiched them back together with vanilla buttercream and sieved home made raspberry jam.

The sugarpaste came from the fab Squires Kitchen, an online shop that I could spend hours browsing (and often do). It took me about 3 hours to ice the cake, having covered it roughly in more buttercream.

The best fun for me, by far, was making the cake topper. I have a really talented friend, Jenny (http://www.hillandatree.com/) who does fabulous things with Fimo clay, and she'd inspired me to have a go myself. I'd seen wedding cake toppers, and wanted to make a model of Baz playing his guitar. It was marvellous fun.

The structure of his body is made from wire, with tin foil putting flesh on the bones. The clay then needs to be softened and rolled out quite thinly and wrapped around the tin foil. This was not as easy as I thought, especially for his clothes. Eventually I blasted him with a paint stripper gun. It felt a bit odd (and could, I imagine, be quite cathartic, depending on the member of family one had modelled...)

I was quite pleased with the outcome. Quite a good likeness I thought...

 

The party was brilliant - Baz had no idea that most of his family and friends would be there, so was thrilled to bits. The cake was a hit too - and apparently a lot of fun was had at the end of the night after we had gone home.

Do you think boys ever grow up?

Lots of love

Claire x

Saturdays

Saturdays are a lazy affair at The Cottage, especially in winter. Jonny always goes to football training, so often Dom goes with him taking a flask of coffee and reads in the car.

Today, Jonny was at a friend's house for a sleepover. Instead Dom, Charlie and I rolled out of bed late and trundled down to our local garden centre, Sandhills, for a mug of tea and a bacon sandwich. Yum.

Sandhills is one of those places that sums up our weekends. It's a pretty relaxed, run down even, sort of place but the food is good. I like to spend an hour wondering amongst the flowers whilst Charlie plays in the play area. They have pet sheep and chickens, giant rabbits and a pet shop next door with parrots and tortoises. You don't need to dress up, or wear make up, and everyone is polite but distant enough for early morning anonymity. Just the place for a young family to enjoy mooching.

This afternoon I will finish the tassles on my Doctor Who scarf and block it - the taa-daa picture will come soon. I had an order last night for eight metres of pirate bunting, so I have a date this afternoon with a mug of tea, my sewing machine and radio 4.

Dom will clean out and feed the chickens, check the bees are OK and get on with some DIY jobs around the house.

Saturdays here are a quiet, home based affair. I'm glad we don't go shopping or other traditional Saturday pursuits; there's something very lovely in marking time in this slow, domestic, cosy way of ours. Soon it will be time for working in the garden; I'm enjoying the chance to laze around whilst it lasts.

Claire x

PS Lucy at Attic 24 has a fab recipe on her blog for cheesy nibbles. I may have a go at baking these this afternoon.

 

Busy Busy Busy!

Well, it's the last day of the Easter holiday for the boys, and the first day back at work for Dom. To ease the shock (and my guilt) I have made some homemade bread and lamb tagine for dinner tonight. I am feeling guilty because I took Charlie to school on a teacher training day. Oh my! Black mark in the good mothering chart, again.

I hope you are well and it's lovely to see you again. Isn't the spring weather lovely? This morning I was singing 'my favourite things' in my head and pondered upon the line 'silver white winters that melt into spring'. We sure had a silver white winter this year, but not much melting. January was snowy, February was cold and grey and damp, and then in March it was like someone turned the dial to 'spring'. One day of lovely sunshine and we never looked back.

We had a fun Easter - I had a go at making my own chocolate eggs (fun) but left it until Easter Sunday morning before the kids got up (stressful). Will I never learn?! In my defence, Dom and I had had some horrible virus, but really I should have done better. I did, however, bake a trio of cakes (Bakewell cake, simnel cake and passion cake), make lemon curd, and freshly bake a plaited easter loaf so that our families all got an "afternoon tea" hamper as a gift. Domestic goddess reputation restored then ;o) Sadly I did not take any photos as I crawled into bed to feel poorly and sorry for myself not long after.

We had a fab day at Whitby with our friends Andy and Lucy and their daughter Lauren. Andy has an iPhone and Lucy is six months pregnant and I am not sure which I was more jealous of! The broody bat has stayed away, but I do have the realisation that I don't have many years left to make the choice, and now would be a good time career wise. However, I have been so ill over the last year, and I am enjoying my crafting so much .... And so the dilemma goes on. The boys had a marvellous time. They especially enjoyed searching for fossils and were sure they came home with some dinosaur poo. Riiiight.

Charlie, who has recently been obsessed with broken limbs, was sure he had broken both of his ankles when we returned. I did get a bit worried about him as he refused to walk all day. However, the next day, he leapt into our bedroom and shouted "taa-daa! I can walk!" So we experienced a little miracle of our own. I put it down to aching muscles - boy we walked up some big hills. I nearly died, but had to pretend I was really very fit (which I am absolutely, completely and utterly, not). Less cake, methinks.

Whitby is about an hour and a half's drive from our house. Three if you get stuck behind a tractor. There aren't any motorways, so it's pretty coastal roads and 'A' roads all the way which I love, and reminds me of Sunday School Outings and old fashioned days out.

Funnily enough, Whitby feels quite exotic compared to our usual seasides. Locally, they are pretty quiet with just the odd purveyor of buckets and spades and fish and chips. Bridlington is good, but a bit, ummm, scruffy. A bit too much of the chips and amusement arcades for my liking.

Scarborough is really lovely, but I have only been once. Filey I have never been to. I aim to rectify that this year.

Charlie was amused by the donkeys on the beach at Whitby, with their bright painted harnesses and big cow bells. He was desperate for a go, but we didn't get round to it and the donkeys packed up before we realised. Also, there are various boat rides including, as you see above, the pirate ship. It's definitely something I want to do this year too. I love this picture because of it's quirkiness; how I long for a decent macro lens...

Anyway, there are jobs to be done so I will hop off. See you tomorrow.

Claire x
  

 

101 in 1001 Challenge

1001 in 101 : The Project

 

It's January 2010 and I am starting to feel as though I am recovering from the depression. I need something to keep me busy, and to help me keep pushing myself and putting me out of my comfort zone little by little. The 1001 in 101 project seems ideal.

The idea is to make a list of things you want to do over the next 2.75 years of your life. Each task must be achieveable and time limited. Since I have recently experienced a very driven stage of my life in which target setting was a daily task, I will prioritise goals that I believe will bring me greater life satisfaction, happiness and self awareness. These may well be trivial to others, but will hopefully help me achieve my biggest goal: to discover who I am now and what I want to do with my life.

More information about this project can be found here: http://dayzeroproject.com

Start Date: 1st January 2010

End Date: 29th September 2012

The List

Items crossed out have been achieved

Items in italics are underway

 

 

Items Relating to The List

1. To write my list of 101 things and upload to my blog. (1/1)

Challenges

2. To make 5 phone calls a month

3. To answer the door whenever it knocks.

4. To go on an aeroplane. (0/1)

5. Smile when I want to cry.

6. Clear the credit card 

7. Complete a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle (0/1) 

8. Ride on a rollercoaster (0/1)

 

Personal

 

 

9. To enrol on a new course. 

10. To dye my hair at least 4 different shades. (4/4)

11. To read a book every 3 months. (11/11) 

12. To wear wacky socks every day for a month. (0/30) 

13. To conceive my third child 

14. To grow my hair to my bottom. (1/1) 

15. To visit 3 stately homes. (0/3)

16. To visit at least two art galleries (0/2)

17. To visit at least one photography exhibition. (0/1)

18. To keep an art journal 

19. To crochet a handbag. (1/1)

20. To write a letter to the me that was in 2000. (0/1)

21. To write myself an letter that I will open in 2020. (0/1)

22. Make a will  (0/1)

23. Have a massage (1/1)

24. Have a facial (1/1)

25. See five films at the cinema (3/5)

26. Buy a piece of artwork I love (0/1)

27. Buy false eyelashes and wear them on a night out (1/1)

Health

 

 

28. To go to the dentist (1/1)

29. To eat my 5 per day every day for 30 consecutive days. (0/30)

30. To permanently reduce my alcohol consumption to 10 - 15 units a week

31. Go 30 days in a row without eating takeaway. (0/30)

32. Go 30 days in a row without eating chocolate. (0/30)

33. Swim twice weekly for at least three months

 

Romance

 

34. Spend at least 10 times beekeeping with Dom. (0/10)

35. Have at least one date per month with Dom, even if it is at home. (0/33)

36. Spend six weekends away with Dom. (0/6)

37. Send my husband a love letter (0/1)

38. Kiss in the rain (0/1)

 

Family

 

39. To start an open diary to Jonathan. (0/1)

40. Take the children swimming 5 times. (5/5)

41. Go camping four times. (2/4)

42. Own a new pet. (0/1)

43. Have a picnic. (0/1)

44. Go for ten walks on the beach. (2/10)

45. Create a piece of art with the boys for the playroom. (0/1)

46. Teach Jonathan to cook five dishes (0/5)

47. Teach Charlie to read (1/1)

 

Friends

 

48. Give 5 'I saw this and thought of you' presents. (0/5)

49. Send 10 handwritten letters. (0/10)

 

Helping others / the planet

 

50. Donate something for charity each month (money, time, items) (0/33)

51. Perform five acts of random kindness (0/5)

52. Donate blood four times (0/4)

53. Plant a tree for each decade of my life (1/4)

Craft

 

54. To learn how to do interstarsia knitting and produce an item. (1/1)

55. To open an Etsy shop to sell my hand crafted items. (1/1)

56. To knit a pair of socks. (1/1)

57. To knit a handbag. (1/1)

58. Make three quilts  (2/3)

59. Knit an item using only double pointed needles (0/1)

60. Make and felt an item for the house (1/1)

61. Dye a skein of yarn (0/1) 

62. Learn how to spin yarn (0/1)

63. Make an item of clothing for myself (1/1) 

64. Make an item of clothing for Charlie (1/1)

65. Attend a craft fair both as a buyer and a seller (1/2)

66. Crochet a handbag (1/1)

 

Blogland and T'interweb

 

67. Update my inspiration album once per month. (0/33)

68. Keep a blog of your personal achievements and photography that is updated weekly. Read it and feel good about your place in the world.  (0/143)

69. Leave a comment on someone else's blog every week (0/143)

 

Home and Garden

 

70. Hatch duck or hen eggs (1/1)

71. Grow at least 10 different sorts of veg. (0/10)

72. Take a course in butchery. (0/1)

73. Slaughter and cook a hen. (0/2)

74. Have cut flowers every fortnight. (0/72)

75. Decorate play room (1/1)

76. Decorate lounge (0/1)

77. Decorate hall (0/1)

78. Finish kitchen (1/1)

79. Make blinds and curtains for dining room (0/4)

80. Landscape / move plants to front garden (1/1)

81. Make new vegetable plot (0/1)

82. Use the Lady Shed for my projects between May and September

83. Put all the family photographs up in the hall (0/1)

 

Words and Pictures

 

84. To write 10 short stories. (0/10)

85. Take a photo of all 101 things. (0/101)

86. To upload a photo every week to HPAD group on Flickr (0/143)

87. Make a photo yearbook of our family life at The Cottage for each year (0/3)

88. Make a photo collage of each month at home in The Cottage. (0/33)

89. To organise my photo files every month. (0/33)

90. Take a photo of 30 happy things. (0/30)

91. Arrange Charlie's baby photos into an album (0/1)

92. Take family photos off computer and put into albums (0/1)

 

Seize The Day!

 

93. To jump in a puddle (1/1)

 

Culinary

 

94. Cook 101 recipes from my cookery books. (0/101)

95. Bake once a fortnight.

96. Eat in a Michelin starred restaurant. (0/1)

97. Make a birthday cake for Dom, Jonny and Charlie each year. (6/9)

98. Make a Christmas cake each year. (2/3)

99. Cook a souffle (0/1)

100. Buy meat from a local butchers 20 times

101. Try sushi (0/1)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phew!

Well hello, old friends of Blogland, long time no see! I apologise for my slackness in keeping you updated recently, but it's been a busy, busy, busy sort of time. Also, I am thrilled to say, I have been feeling much more like my old self recently, and that is such a relief I can't tell you. I am hoping that the tablets are finally working effectively at last. I have had 3 good weeks of constantly good days - some anxiety and depression, admittedly, but on the whole days where I did not feel as though my day to day life has been seriously impacted by the depression. I hope you won't mind that I have been out enjoying this feeling and not posting on here.

Christmas 2009 has been and gone. It was an enjoyable Christmas. I wasn't bitten by the festive bug until 2 weeks before the big day, and then oh-so-sweetly. Unlike previous years, I didn't feel the need to run around like a headless chicken making sure everything was perfect, it just happened at it's own sweet pace. Mind you, last year I did twice as many preparations and hosted Christmas for 12 people whilst I was recovering from the flu - as well as running a full time business and working 20 hours per week. Looking back I can hardly believe I kept it going for as long as I did, rather than feeling as though I was a failure for having to stop.

We went to Mum and Dads' on Christmas Eve and came home on the 27th. This passed well enough. I did have a panic attack when some relatives I hadn't seen for years appeared with 10 mins notice on Boxing Day, just moments after Mum acknowledging she'd actually invited 11 guests for tea. However, I managed to control my breathing, let it wash over me, forced myself to go downstairs and got through it. In fact, I actually enjoyed parts of it!

We have had the most amazing weather this December - we had real, thick, proper snow! This meant we were housebound for 4 days just before Christmas but, given the amount of gifts I had to make, this all worked out fine. The children and I drank hot chocolate, watched Disney films and cuddled on the sofa, which was thoroughly lovely.

I finally made 28 gifts, which kept me very, very busy! They all went down very well, and I got some lovely comments. I think the nicest came from Baz, my father in law, who said very honestly "I think this is a lovely present, you've put in so much of your time and effort." Stating the obvious, maybe, but lovely to have that acknowledged rather than the somewhat snidey "aren't you clever?!" No, I don't home make things to make you look deficient. I home make things because I want to let people know I think of them and because I enjoy the process of making them. My Mum gave the most luke warm response, ironically to the gift that took the most time and effort. Fingers crossed the throw grows on her over time.

I wanted to share with you the end result of my freebie Christmas cake I talked about here:

Project 23 : Christmas Cake

 

 

Cost:

the price of 2 packets of marzipan and a packet of gold balls. Everything else came from the stock cupboard. Estimated £3.00.

 

 

Time taken:

3 hours, plus 3 hours cooking.

 

 

Lessons learned:

The most amazing things can be made with the tiniest of budgets. Icing isn't necessary when everyone loves the marzipan best anyway. Rolling out between layers of cling film is much tidier and leaves a lovely texture to the marzipan. Not using all the treacle, fruit, etc makes no difference to the flavour of the cake as long as enough booze is added. This can be cheap booze - I mainly used home brewed cherry brandy.

 

 

Satisfaction Rating:

10/10. Cheap, quick and edible!

 

*****

It's getting on for the new year, and I am spending a lot of time reflecting. It's been one of my toughest years, there's no doubt about that, but it's been an important year nevertheless. I am going to post all my projects over the next day or so, so I apologise in advance if oodles of information and postings suddenly appear. It's really important to me to get all of this creative stuff in one place. Standing on the outside looking in at my life has been a really helpful way for me to get perspective, and it's a habit I hope to continue.

I hope you all have had a wonderful festive season.

Big hugs and lots of love

Claire xx

PS The creative brain is ticking. Now I have worked my way through my Christmas to-do list, I am alive with ideas for projects! It's amazing, frustrating and great fun.

 

Autumn Sunlight

I have so much to tell you about, lovely readers. I hope you are feeling good today. It's gorgeous here, cold blue skies and warm, golden sunlight. The leaves are falling in the breeze. Such a lovely break from the gunmetal grey days of November.

I didn't take the photo above, obviously. I still have a lot of credit left over at www.istockphoto.com from before the magazine crashed. I don't like to use bought images as I think half the joy of blogs is the honesty of photographing your own life. However, this image has a sort of metaphorical touch, which I think is appropriate, so I hope you'll forgive my choice.

I don't want to jinx things, but I have noticed that my life has been imbued with a gentle glow. Suddenly, I am noticing beautiful things all around me.  I noticed them before, but I didn't feel them. Now I notice that I am starting to feel with my heart as well as my eyes. Which is a wonderful, amazing development.

I've had quite a lot of good days recently. The good days outnumber the bad. It's not that I have suddenly become Mary Poppins, far from it. There are still times of anxiety and fear in each day. But, on the whole, I have more perspective. It started from the simple decision to open the curtains one day.

I feel very blessed with my home. My pace of life has changed, I really have slowed down and am starting to look into the moment and ignore long term plans. This is a momentous change for me. Each time I clean, I feel lucky (madness, isn't it?) I take great pleasure in cleaning my nick nacks and rearranging my shelves. I am planning where my Christmas decorations will go, and how I will wrap presents. Last night, I needed some bread from the freezer in the garden. I spent a good long time looking at my home from the outside in, admiring how warm and homely it looks. It was a real surprise. I breathed in the soft light, the lovely bits and pieces, the comfortable cushions and blankets. It's not perfect - it's certainly not a showhome, but it's cosy. I was dreading this time of year, but actually I feel as though the scales have fallen from my eyes. I wrap myself in blankets, cook jam and cinder toffee, cakes and bread, and I spend my days making gifts and looking after the people I love. I feel very lucky.

Forgive me for the fluffy post, but this is a significant recognition for me. Rather than looking down the hole wondering how deep it is, I seem to be looking around and noticing it's not as ugly as I thought. Hopefully soon I will be looking upwards and making planning how I can get there.

Lots of love and big hugs.

Claire xx

Winter is a-coming

Hello ladies and gents of Blogland. How goes it for you today? The weather has been odd here - darkness almost like night and heavy rain, then bright sunshine. And it's cold. Are you feeling the cold too?

To be honest, I had forgotton that I actually quite like this time of year. I always think of winter with dread. A couple of years ago I convinced myself that I had Seasonal Affective Disorder, but that was before I was prepared to acknowledge that it was common-and-garden depression. A lot of the blogs I read are mourning the loss of summer light and colour - I love that too, but I also like these dark days more than I remember I do.

This evening it's dark and cold outside. Charlie is tucked up all snug in bed. Dom is working in the kitchen. Jonny is watching a film, and I am on here talking to you. The house smells of a winter fragraced candle and the lights are dimmed. We are eating pumpkin soup and freshly made bread. The whole place looks and feels cosy. I am happy to wear socks, drink hot drinks, wrap up in blankets and light the fire. My only sadness is that we can't have a real fire in our sitting room as we have no chimney. There is one in the playroom, but that's not as comfortable and cosy.

I've got  a stinking cold though - how are you getting on with the winter germs? My tonsil is still swollen - it's been 3 weeks now - so I made an appointment with the doctor for next week. That's right - I used the phone today, TWICE! I am very proud of myself, even if I did cringe and hide when someone knocked on the door. Baby steps count. I am happy to chalk up the progress and ignore the weak spots.

Also, I want to show off my Christmas cake that I made yesterday, infusing the house with a warm, fruity, spicey aroma. Hmmmmm.

My main priority was to make something that cost as little as possible - and I am really chuffed with this one - it was free! Technically that's not really true, as I had to buy the ingredients in my cupboards in the first place, but it was adapted to include only things I already had in stock. I even managed to get the ready made icing from our local Co-Op for 29p!

It is loosely based on Mary Berry's classic Christmas cake.

625g sultanas

half a jar of cocktail cherries, chopped, plus the liquor

200g dried apricots, snipped into pieces

50g (2oz) mixed candied peel, finely chopped

about 10 dried prunes, chopped

150ml (¼ pint) Stones Ginger wine, plus extra for feeding

2 tbsp orange juice

250g (9oz) soft margarine

250g (9oz) dark muscovado sugar

6 eggs

75g (3oz) blanched almonds, chopped

50g walnuts, chopped

225g (8oz) plain flour

1½ tsp mixed spice

1/4 teaspoon grated nutmeg

You need to begin this cake the night before you want to bake it.

1) Measure the dried fruits into a large bowl. Mix in the ginger wine, the orange juice and the cherry liquor and leave overnight.

2) Pre-heat the oven to 140 degrees centigrade, 275 F or gas mark 1. Grease and line a 20cm deep round cake tin with a double layer of greaseproof paper. I also greased a couple of muffin tin holes so I could make a couple of mini Christmas cakes, for testing (obviously very important!)

3) Measure the flour, spices, margarine, sugar, eggs, almonds and walnuts into a large bowl. Beat well with an electric whisk for 2 mins until the cake mixture is a light coffee brown colour.

4) Add the soaked fruit and fold in well until properly combined

5) Pour into baking tins. Last year I used muffin tins for mini Christmas cakes, and these worked brilliantly (although icing 12 individual cakes was a bit labourious.) Cleaned, empty baked bean tins would also work well. If you're cooking one large cake, double layer the top with greasproof paper. This isn't necessary with smaller cakes.

6) Bake in centre of preheated oven for 4 - 4.5 hours. For individual cakes start to check after approximately 90 minutes. It will feel firm to the touch when cooked, and a skewer will come out clean.

Allow to cool in the tin, then put into a cake tin. Pierce with a fine skewer and slosh on a couple of tablespoons of booze of choice weekly until Christmas.

The final result was a tangy, apricotty, nutty cake. It hasn't matured in flavour yet, so it'll be interesting to see if the spices become more developed. It isn't as dark and treacle-y as some Christmas cakes I have made, but personally, I prefer it this way.

Keep me posted on any changes you make if you attempt your own store cupboard Christmas cake. I love to hear how you're keeping the Christmas costs down.

Time for me to go now, and spend a happy half hour browsing my favourite blogs - you can see them by clicking the list in the left hand bar.

Take care of yourselves, and see you tomorrow.

Claire xx

PS Cadbury's Caramel Bites. To die for. Just try them.

And exhale...

Phew! Half term is over and across the world mums are breathing a collective sigh of relief. I love, love, love time with my boys, don't get me wrong, but I also like my own space too. And 20 minutes without someone whining "mum..." is bliss.

Today has been lovely. The house looks like its been hit by a tournado, but it can stay like it a while longer. Today I have pootled about in the kitchen making things. I have baked my Christmas cake, made garden chutney from the last of our own veggies, bottled our own honey and made sunblushed tomatoes in garlic olive oil. I'll post the recipes each day over the next week. They will come together to make Christmas hampers for our friends and family, which has become a bit of a tradition chez Boynton.

I feel rubbish today, I have a cold. Aren't they irritating? Thankfully I don't feel too ill, I just can't breathe through my nose and so I didn't sleep very well. That said, nothing was going to spoil my lovely pottering today. I saw an advert for a cancer charity today that said "today was a good day. I thought about something other than the cancer." It struck me that the same applies to depression too. Today I thought about something else for a good, long while. And it felt good.

You'll see from the photo that we had a fun halloween, I hope you did too. Charlie really wanted to go trick or treating, so I had to get over my misgivings. I have two problems with trick or treating: 1) it's demanding money with menaces, effectively. 2) I spend all year telling my kids not to go to strangers houses, then one night encouraging them to do just that. However, we went for a walk to the local shop with Charlie in his fancy dress, which gave ample opportunity for the old ladies to admire his costume. Charlie loved that, the flirt. The lady in the local shop gave him some chocolate too. We then took him to neighbours we know, and to Granny and Pops in the next village. This was enough for him, really. We agreed that he could give out sweets to any older children who knocked on the door and he thought this was lovely. He also enjoyed carving a pumpkin with Daddy, and putting it in the front window.

I have to say, though, it was one of the only nights I have seen everyone full of community spirit. Villagers old and young alike were chatty and friendly and smiley. It makes me unsure about the whole Halloween thing. I don't want to be a killjoy, I just want my children to grow up knowing right from wrong. Maybe I think too much.

I'm off now, there's dinner to cook for Dom (he's at football) and I want to get on with some knitting. I am knitting a very exciting scarf for my father in law, Baz. I know 'exciting' and 'scarf' sound like a contradiction in terms, but I am really loving it and itching to get finished. I will reveal all later in the week. Like a true knitting addict I have aching fingers and a blister on my thumb, but does that put me off?!

Love and hugs to you, keep on pushing those demons away

Claire x
 

Project 20 : Sea Foam Scarf

I haven't been so hot on posting all my projects, especially the relatively small ones - scarves and booties and the like. I am not good at solely working on one project at once, I am much happier to have 3 or 4 things on my needles at once. Ideally, one will be crochet, one will be a long term project and one will be a quickie. That means instant gratification depending on my mood (although I do have storage issues!) I am good at going back and finishing things off, so I don't give myself a hard time about being unfocussed. Knitting / crocheting is sheer pleasure, afterall.

This Drop Stitch Scarf pattern by Christine Vogel is free on Ravelry (you need to sign up for an account and it may take a few days for your password to come through but my, oh my, is it worth it.) I loved this pattern, it was sheer knitting porn. And the end product looked pretty good too.

I made it for my Mum, whose birthday was on 12th September. She wears a lilac coat in the autumn and the colour really suits her. I thought this lightweight, purple scarf would complement it. She seemed really pleased and said that my knitting was becoming "really professional" (yay! high praise indeed from my Mum!) and that is one of the nicest comments anyone has made over the past couple of weeks.

Cost: £7.00 2 x balls Debbie Bliss Cashmerino, purchased from Ebay

Time taken: 2 days

Lessons Learned: Don't be limited by what you perceive as difficult. This was as easy as pie and I was convinced I couldn't do it for the first few rows.

Satisfaction Rating: It's high on up there. 9.5/10. I am itching to make it again, but may very well choose a Clapotis instead for a similar but different experience.

In other news, I have a new girl crush. In addition to the fabulous Kirsty Allsop whom I want to possess/be in equal measure, and Nigella Lawson (ditto, known in our family as our children's "other mother" - i.e. they one they would have had if Dominic had complete free choice. My only condition in this is that it would have to be a three way affair), I have today discovered the fantastic 'Some Girls Wander By Mistake' blog. I want to possess/be Emily Martin <deep sigh> That is all. Go, look. I dare you. Tell me she is not amazing.

In depression news, it's not been an easy couple of days although I suspected that might be the case after overdoing things on Friday. I am mainly suffering with night wakings after vivid (often frightening) dreams and it is then I feel suicidal. Without wishing to be melodramatic/poncy I think the french expression "Je suis désolée" sums it up well. I am desolate.

It's hard to explain because the depression has changed. Once it was just a barren wilderness, like a desert as far as the eye can see, all the same. Now I have good times (rarely more than a couple of hours) and then really harsh, sharp downs. During those moments I keep having to repeat over and over in my head why I should want to be alive. I am not always convinced, I'll be honest. The thing that keeps me going is thinking how ungrateful I am. I have the most wonderful life, really. Why can't I enjoy it more? Do these desolate nighttime waking sessions really count?

My medication is causing me some problems - I appear to be itching a great deal, all over my body but especially on my scalp and neck. At first I had no reaction, then I thought it was because the heating has started to come on and my skin was drying out. But the skin feels different from normal dry skin, and it's getting worse every day even though the heating is not coming on proprotionately more. Do I go back to the doctors and explain, and go through the miserable two weeks of new medication again? Or do I put up with it, as the medication is helping on the whole? Also, I stiull haven't heard from psychological services. I am 11 weeks into a breakdown and I have no support yet. I can't ring them because of my phone phobia. I have written and my friend has phoned. My doctor thinks I am getting better and I am afraid I am being left behind. Dom seems to be losing patience as I am not the same every day and he's getting more and more tired with work.

<deep sigh>. Sorry for the brain dump. I have never had a breakdown before and I don't know what to expect. In a lot of ways I would like to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital because then I could take my feet off the pedals for a while. On the other hand, the very thought frightens me to death.

I'll leave it there I think. I have a couple of episodes of Midsummer Murders recorded, so I will snuggle up on my sofa under my crochet blanket with a coffee, home made carrot cake and some knitting and make the most of it. If nothing else, I have created this comforting, warm little woolly world I can retreat into when I need to. I just wish I could be as sparky, in control and unique as my girl crushes. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Love and hugs, I hope your day is good

Claire xx

 

Flapjacks and Home Grown Veg

Good afternoon, how are you today? Well, I hope? Enjoying the warm, autumnal sunshine? It's glorious here today, I would have taken myself for a walk down the lane to enjoy the last of the year's good weather, but Dom accidentally took both sets of keys to work, so I couldn't lock the house! Never mind, an uneventful but pleasant day passed, with some surfing, baking and plenty of knitting. And a measure of Murder, She Wrote.

I wanted to share with you some of the pictures of our garden. We have quite a small vegetable garden and an 8ft x 6ft greenhouse, but we like to put every inch to good use. For example, here are the runner beans scambling up the fence by the children's swing and slide

We've not seemed to do so well with any sort of beans or peas this year - last year we harvested 22lb of runner beans! I'm not sure whether the new location is too dry, the weather was unfavourable this year, or whether some other force is at play. I intend to research over winter to inform our planning next year.

The courgettes, pumpkins, squashes and marrows have been brilliant. I just love their rotund confidence, their bright, brassy yellow flowers and the fact that scramble over one another in such a disorganised way. They went in a new bed at the back of the garden; our cat TC was often seen curled sleepily around a pumpkin dozing in the warm sunshine.

We have made every effort to enjoy the fruit we've grown - including the six blackcurrants and two raspberries! Again, this was not an area of success, although we had wild blackberries growing in the hedgerow and these have done very well indeed.

I haven't got any pictures, but carrots, onions and beetroot seem to have done well again. Our perpetual spinach looks like it's starting to grow; that kept us going most of last winter. Fingers crossed it makes a reappearance. All our herbs and salad leaves were disappointing this year, though.

Finally I wanted to show you our tomatoes, a hybrid called 'hundreds and thousands.' Like the name suggests, you should be able to harvest hundreds and tiny, grape sized tomatoes from each plant. At the moment we have about dozen from six plants, but I haven't given up hope yet!

Pottering about in the garden is one of my favourite ever things to do; our whole family gets a great deal of pleasure. It makes me very excited to be able to share the fruits of our labour with you! 

Finally, yesterday I promised to share my made-up-on-the-spot recipe for lemon and honey flapjacks. A whole tray lasted two days in this house, which is testament to how they tasted, I believe. I love cooking 'off piste' but rarely is something made-up as good as these.

Lemon and Honey Flapjacks

250g porridge oats

150g butter

75g honey

75g sugar

75g sultanas

2 lemons, zested and squeezed

 

1. Heat the oven to gas mark 4 and grease a baking tin approx 20cm.


2. Melt the butter, sugar and honey in the microwave, or in a pan


3. Mix the oats into the liquid and stir well.


4. Add the sultanas, lemon zest and juice ensuring it is evenly combined


5. Put the mixture into the tin, and press down firmly with the back of a spoon to ensure the flapjack sticks together.


6. Bake in the middle of a pre-heated oven for 25-30 mins. It should be golden and brown around the edges when it is done. It may still appear quite liquid, but will solidify as it cools. Cut into pieces whilst still hot, but leave to cool in the pan.

Enjoy!

 

Some reasons to feel proud

My lovely kitchen knick-knacks that cheer me up every day.

Hello my lovelies, how are you all doing?  I hope you didn't miss me too much over the past six days. I have been thinking of you all, and hoping that you're finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

It was one heck of a week for me, my feelings were flying round like a cloud of gnats, and I wanted a bit of time to reflect and get my head together. Thank you so much to those of you who emailed to say that you didn't think the blog was showing off, the encouragement really helped.

So... last week was a week of big changes. For some reason, at the moment, I am not very good at change. The first weekend back after the start of the school term was tough for me, as I think I said before, because I slipped straight back into 'Mum' and, for the first time since the start of the summer holidays, I didn't make any allowances for the illness. That was a mistake and I started the week feeling somewhat overwrought.

Monday and Tuesday I had Charlie at home with me full time - it sounds like nothing, but I have not looked after him from 6am to 7pm on my own for a long time. He was full of beans because he was excited about starting school, prone to emotional outbursts and, if I admit it, a bit naughty because he, too, was overwrought. I was depressed and needing peace and quiet! Not a great combination, you'll have to admit.

Monday we went out to a few shops - Asda, McDonalds, we took some old clothes to the charity shop and by the time I got home and did the housework (why?!) I had done too much. Tuesday I could barely get off the sofa, and felt horribly, awfully guilty for squandering Charlie's last day at home with me. I spent a lot of the time in tears, including the evening when I cried in bed. Dom was shocked and worried, but wonderfully patient.

Wednesday was the big day. Charlie was so excited I thought he would burst. I was really anxious about taking him to this new institution, nervous about what to do and where to go, worried on his behalf, sad that he was leaving the nest, excited for myself and my new freedom - a whole muddle of feelings. Anyway, suffice to say he was fine, in fact he's had a lovely time. And I have quickly got used to my new routine. Shall I share a picture? He is a very good Reason To Be Proud this week.

Isn't he just adorable? That's Billy with him, his teddy bear that has gone pretty much everywhere from birth. Of course Billy needed his hand holding as he was nervous about starting school, and the teachers made every effort to welcome Billy to the classroom and even let him come in and listen to the lessons. Charlie was very glad he was there, I think.

I have been trying to gain inspiration from my little man - he's taking on the world because he's not worrying about too much at once. I could do the same. Good enough is good enough, nothing has to be perfect. So I thought I would share with you some of the things bringing me happiness at the moment, if not because it balances the days when I am having to run through in my head the list of reasons I should not want to die.

You may wonder why I seem to gravitate toward the homemade/craft blogs. As well as being something that I love doing, and just.... well, I can't express it easily... feels right and as though it will help me get better, I am in awe of those wonderful women, so full of character life and creativity. I need their warm domesticity, I guess I need to be mothered myself. And I also want to me that sort of mother.

So, here are some things I have been proud of doing this week.

Look - cables and shaping! I mastered short rows! Yeee-haw! I'll ignore the fact that I have been knitting this jumper since May, that this part literally took weeks and, when I sewed the whole thing up the gauge was wrong and the jumper made me look like Barbapapa. Who cares, when you've made something curved, with cables?! <does happy dance> I am making it into something funky, so watch this space....

I invented a recipe! These are lemon and honey flapjacks and, believe me, they are divine. I will post the recipe tomorrow. Made from honey from our very own bees! sadly, the lemons were from Tesco (wouldn't it be lovely to be able to grow those too?)

My fantastic pumpkin patch. We now have pumpkins, squashes, marrows and still the odd courgette. More home-grown vegetable pictures tomorrow, but it feels me with such a thrill to produce food through love and nurture.

I'm going to come out of this depression one day, aren't I? One day I won't have to run through my lists of why I should be alive, or convince myself I won't attempt suicide today. One day, I won't feel stoned on my meds, or spend the day in a fluffy coma on the sofa. One day, I will be able to answer the phone and make calls without blinking an eyelid. One day I will again wear make up, get my hair cut, have a job (career, maybe), smile and not feel as though I am deceving people.

One day soon .... xxxx