Panic Attacks

So, it seems I have a new "thing." I find it hard to write about crappy health issues because you must get bored of it. I don't want my blog to become known as the whingey blog, because no-one wants that, right? On the other hand, I committed to write about my depression (and by association, my ME, since that came after) so I feel obliged to give a realistic picture.

Generally, things have been pretty good for me recently. Depression wise I have stopped taking the anti-depressants and that has made me very happy, if a little scared. As I said to the doctor, it's like standing on the very edge of a precipice. You've managed to get over it safely, but one wrong step and you could be back at the bottom quicksmart. However, on the whole, I have felt as though it was a battle I was winning.

I'm struggling with my ME, I'll be honest. I've been feeling ill for three weeks. THREE weeks. Just because of one sodding day out. Then, feeling a bit too brave and not really 100% better, I decided to go out to town with my family on Saturday for a pootle around the shops. We were out for maybe three hours. I've been sick since. It's NOT FAIR, and I realise I sound like a little girl and I am embarrassed. I am grumpy, heinously frustrated and hard to live with. The other sad fact is there's not much more I can do personally. I'm taking my tablets, eating healthily, exercising as much as I can, sleeping whenever I feel like it. I'm challenging myself to get out and about as much as I sensibly can. Yet still I am not well, and I just have to put up with it. Grrrump. I just want a freaking normal life.

So, to top it all off, you can imagine my delight to discover that I am now having panic attacks. They have happened in the night, twice. I can't breathe. They're absolutely hideous. The first time I had one I thought I was having a heart attack. Last night I didn't have a panic attack, but I was awake most of the night worried that I was going to have one. Which means I have felt unwell all day, which starts my ME gremlins off. It's a viscious bloody circle.

So today's blog post was brought to you by Frustration and Irritation. Sorry it's not more positive. I really am seriously considering a course of CBT to help me deal with the anger I am feeling at the moment. Any tips would be very, very gratefully appreciated.

With love

Claire x

PS Have been working on some newborn hats, and I hope to bring you a tutorial by the end of the week!

Half Term Crafting

Well hello lovely ladies and gentlemen of Blogland - it's nice to see you again. I've been away much longer than I intended.

It took four days of intense crafting to get the secret project into something that could be given as a gift - an hour before the party started! My fingers were sore, my back bent and my eyes crossed. The gift was held together with wonderweb and had a (smallish) key ingredient missing, but it was good enough. Dominic was thrilled. I was thrilled. Everyone was thrilled. It was all good. I shall post pictures tomorrow, if it's sunny. We've not had much sun, although this afternoon was nice. Fingers crossed.

I did not want to post pictures here until it was finished properly but, hoorah, I put the last tiny handstitch in yesterday! There was a good few days of behind-the-scenes hand sewing left to be done, but thankfully it is now complete.

I got a blog block. I feel a bit silly now I've just properly got on and JFDI, but there it is! I did not want to post until I could do my 'Taa-daa' post, and it took much longer to complete than I expected. I have also had six orders to make for Mrs Bee (three hats, one newborn hammock, one bookmark and one beehive sponsorship). I've also had a bit of an ME flare up which took a couple of days out of the equation whilst I slept / lazed around feeling sorry for myself.

Bedsides all this, it's half term. We've been quite lazy (again!) despite good intentions, but everyone is so tired at the end of each school term that it seems foolish to run headlong into big chores. So, we've been a bit lazy, eaten out a lot, seen friends, done some crafting.

Charlie made a stained glass 'window' and did a very good job of it indeed! He meticulously painted every bit (it was painting by numbers, but he didn't stick to that!) I helped a little too. I have put it away carefully and will frame it as a birthday present for my Mum.

Today we went pottery painting! We go to a cool place near York called Langlands which has the most delicious restaurant, and some pretty lovely things to look at. We had hot chilli chicken wraps with homemade chips and they were deee-licious.  We love going to 'Pottery Painting with Claire' (no, not me!) and this is one of our regular holiday activities. It's well worth a trip out if you're local.

This was Dominic's mug, he was very proud of it:

 

 

He has been spending a lot of time spinning honey this week, so the bee mug was very apt. He has reserved it for garden tea.

I had in mind a hand painted striped affair - wobbly, uneven lines, but thin, in shades of blue, white and pink. Oh fate, how you laughed at me:

 

Each time I got somewhere near what I wanted, the table wobbled, my arm got knocked or I just plain buggered it up. When it's fired these powder tones will become ultra bright. Even so, it looks a bit, urm, special, doesn't it? I have said I shall reserve mine for those times we have no guests. My fugly mug will be banished to the back of the cupboard at moments of celebration and sharing. Pottery painting fail.

Charlie looks rather pleased with his robot 'piggy' bank, doesn't he?!

 

He did a good job, but whizzed through the painting and had to be encouraged to go back and add more coats and touch up the white bits. He had a veeery long wait whilst Dom and I got stuck in and pretended we were there for Charlie's sake. Ahem.

I'll collect them in a week or so. I'll take some photos then and show you how they came out. Even though I wasn't overly thrilled with my efforts today, we had a lovely family afternoon, which is what counts I think.

Hope to see you again soon

Claire x

Darker Nights, Lighter Me.

Well hello there guys and dolls. I hope you are all doing well, and are not minding the shorter days too much? I love them, actually. I always think I love  spring best and, much as I do love it, there is something so romantic about the changing colours of autumn, and the mists and dew and fruit. It's a throwback to school times, I think, but September to me really feels like the month of new resolutions and routines and commitments to be better. Usually, at this time of year the commitments are personal; to cook from scratch more, to keep the house tidier. I rarely manage the latter, but to hell with it. I keep trying, and that's what matters.

It's been a BRILLIANT month or so. I have felt so, so much better. The depression is starting to lift - HOOORAH! I have been willing it to lift for months, convincing myself that it was going and that it's departure could be measured. However, like you embrace the extra minutes of daylight in January and February, it seemed too long in coming and I feared I would never be right again. However, somehow over the summer, my eyes turned away from the depression. And now, like early March, I can definitely see that there's less darkness. It's not summer yet, but it's not winter either. And boy, am I happy to tell you that.

One (rather large) downside to my health issues is that I have recently been properly diagnosed with ME/CFS. However, I'm feeling upbeat about it. I do use crutches and I do have pain but, on the whole, it feels so much more liveable with than the depression and, dear Lord, am I grateful for that. I am still at the stage where I am learning what I can and can't do, and some days I can do precious little. However, that's cool. At the moment I can sit on the sofa and knit, which pleases my soul.

I'm knitting furiously for my autumn / winter season on Folksy. Part of me is chuckling because I really have missed the boat. However, if I can get my lines up my the end of the first week in November I will be pleased. Next year, I will start seasonal knitting MUCH earlier!

I have to stop now - we're having toad in the hole for dinner and it needs my attention. The darkness is drawing in and Dom will just have set off from work. Charlie is watching Ben 10 on television and Jonathan has just come in from playing football, all muddy and smelling of earthy grass and is heading up for a shower. I can't tell you how much I love my little family. It's just a deep feeling of happiness and satisfaction, warm and fuzzy like cocoa on a cold day. I am very lucky to live my life. It has its ups and downs, and its challenges, but I have such special people around me and for that, I am blessed.

Love to you all

Claire x

PS the picture is of my baby knotty hat, knitted for a friend and photographer. You can find it here.