Jumping Back In

Day 1 : Frog or Finish* Organise, Create

 

Well hello, Blogland. It's been a while, hasn't it?! I've missed you.

It's been a strange year 2010, pretty difficult but also pretty positive. I started off suicidally depressed and ended up, well, almost normal. I've made a lot of things along the way, and I've learned a lot about myself. I spent quite a lot of it in therapy, I got used to the discipline of using my Lady Shed / studio every day. From nowhere I've built up a lovely little business almost without knowing how it happened; I've just been doing what I love and what feels right. I've swapped the diagnosis of depression for that of ME / CFS (and I actually think they both were accurate) and I'm learning how to manage the CFS and am having more and more good days. I would say that I'm almost back to normal, health wise, except for the medication and crutches. However, I suspect I have invoked the Law of Sod as today I feel crappy. You've gotta laugh.

I feel the need to explain my absence from the blog in recent weeks. When I first crashed and burned I needed to understand what was happening to me - and the best way I could do this was by blogging. I didn't want to talk to others, you know - the real life people, and so it was great to analyse my feelings on here. Gradually more and more folks started to follow the blog and I got performance anxiety - I needed the blogland version of Viagra. When you hear that others are struggling too it feels wrong to just talk about the positives, and a bit... erm... depressing to carry on just about the negatives. So I wasn't quite sure what to write about.

Also - and I'm not sure if this is common with those recovering from depression - I suddenly felt the need to be very private. Much more private than I have ever been before. Like a fresh, naked plant shoots from the earth I wanted to protect myself and I wanted to be alone. This has been tricky for my extended family because I've not wanted to be with them either. Just me, my husband and my boys. And my fabulous online friends who have only ever accepted me for being me and have never questioned my absences or the times when I went over the top.

Anyway, right now 2011 feels a bit scary. I'm guessing it's the first time that I have properly planned forwards. Christmas was lovely in bits, and tense at times. I'm looking forward to time alone to look at my goals.

I'm not setting new year's resolutions because I am still doing the 101 in 1001 project. I'll review that here soon. However, I have chosen three themes to work on every day - I want to be:

Creative, Organised and Kind <3

Each day I will endeavour to do one of the three and take a photo.

Creativity is important to me because I feel the urge, deep down in my soul, to make things. I also hope to do a textiles degree in 2012 (I need to save up first!) This year will be about experimentation and preparation for the bigger goal of my degree. Also, the creativity works it's magic and makes me feel happier, more relaxed and healthier. Therefore, it's currently a priority in my life.

being Organised is key to me achieving my goals. I'm not the most organised woman in the world. Hell, I'm actually spectacularly DISORGANISED.  I find personal organisation really challenging. However, in order to reach my goals I know I have to get my head around it. This includes practical things - like organising my deadlines, my studio space and paying off our credit card so that I have more choices.

Kindness is very important to me too. I'd like to think I do a reasonable job at being kind to my family and friends, but I want to increase what I do. Also, hand on heart, I'm not always very kind to myself. So this resolution involves eating more healthily, exercising, getting my hair cut and looking after myself. It also involves giving of my time and resources to charity (note - not just giving money, but my time to being a governor at our local school, as well as donating things I've made and items to charity shops). Lastly, I want to be involved with random acts of kindness. Blessed is the hand that giveth.

So, this leaves 2011 with the fantastically abbreviated COK Project!

* Day 1, as you can see from the picture at the start, was a Frog or Finish day. Frogging is a knitting term - when you rip it, rip it, rip it back. I have lots of projects that remain unfinished (I like to do several things at once) so this is their ultimate fate. Either I finish them, or they get turned back to yarn and the needles freed. I finished this crocheted cushion - RIP the summer shrug. C'est La Vie.

 

Day 2 : Working on Charlie's Quilt, Create

Its been a year in the making so far, and it needs to double in size - and that's just the top. I will finish it in time for the arrival of his new bed sometime this year. This is an ongoing project.

 

Day 3 : Making Recycled Christmas Tags, Create, Kind (recycling)

 

Charlie and I cut up the old Christmas cards before recycling the backs, and made gift tags for Christmas 2011. I was rather proud of how they turned out, and remembered doing exactly the same thing with my Mum in the 1970s. Funny how these simple, cylical things can feel so good.

 

Day 4 : Tidy The Corner, Organise

 

You would not believe what a mess this corner of my studio had become with the rush of Christmas orders. This is where I store my yarn, buttons, ribbon and findings.  Thankfully it's now restored to quiet calm where my creative juices can take hold.

Smile

 
  
YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAWW! The Horrible Task is done! I did it! Me! And I lived to tell the tale. AND, on the back of the success of tackling the Scary Paperwork I have made a phone call and received two. I am so proud of myself my heart I could easily explode. It sounds silly, really, that I could be so floored by something I once took for granted. Funnily how life can change and how quickly.

I found out that the business had been making a loss long before I thought it had. I should have known this, I know, but it was a classic case of burying my head in the sand. Also, I was so busy taking on extra teaching work to bring money into the business that I had even less time to spend on managing the money. Looking at the figures in black and white, Dom and I both felt that we had closed the business at the right time, from a business perspective. The business had been losing money; we started to recoup that by expanding, but our income was reduced by a third when the recession hit, and it was a downward trend. We gave it a sensible chance to recover and didn't give up too soon either.

How do I feel about it? Relieved actually. I can see now that I was in a bit of a trap trying to keep everything running. I understand why the business had to close, and I don't feel as ashamed as I did. I feel as though I gave it my best shot, and hung on when other people would have given up. However, I don't think I hung on stubbornly when it never was going to get better; I was sensible and, for some reason, that feels important and gives me more faith in my own judgement, something I lost for some time.

Actually, it's been a pretty nice 24 hours. Charlie and I made a snowman yesterday, which is currently sporting a hand knitted scarf. I will take a photo of it later. I am making toad-in-the-hole for tea, which I am looking forward to disproportionately, and I am knitting a pair of socks. I have had a good go at my 101 in 1001 list - managed two alcohol free days this week, as well as the three phone calls. I am going to print off a list and stick it on the fridge, as well as sort out my blog files later.

I hope you are doing OK today.

Lots of love, Claire xx

101 in 1001 Challenge

1001 in 101 : The Project

It's January 2010 and I am starting to feel as though I am recovering from the depression. I need something to keep me busy, and to help me keep pushing myself and putting me out of my comfort zone little by little. The 1001 in 101 project seems ideal.

The idea is to make a list of things you want to do over the next 2.75 years of your life. Each task must be achieveable and time limited. Since I have recently experienced a very driven stage of my life in which target setting was a daily task, I will prioritise goals that I believe will bring me greater life satisfaction, happiness and self awareness. These may well be trivial to others, but will hopefully help me achieve my biggest goal: to discover who I am now and what I want to do with my life.

More information about this project can be found here: http://dayzeroproject.com

Start Date: 1st January 2010

End Date: 29th September 2012

The List

Items crossed out have been achieved

Items in italics are underway

See below the list for evidence!

Items Relating to The List

1. To write my list of 101 things and upload to my blog. (1/1)

Challenges

2. To make 5 phone calls a month. (3/165)

3. To answer the door whenever it knocks.

4. To go on an aeroplane. (0/1)

5. Smile when I want to cry.

6. Clear the credit card (£0/£8,000)

7. Complete a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle (0/1) 

8. Ride on a rollercoaster (0/1)

Personal

9. To check my bank balance once per week. (2/143)

10. To dye my hair at least 4 different shades. (0/4)

11. To read a book every 3 months. (0/11)

12. To wear wacky socks every day for a month. (0/30) 

13. To paint my toe nails a different colour every week for 2 months. (0/8)

14. To have a new hair style. (0/1)

15. To visit 3 stately homes. (0/3)

16. To visit at least two art galleries (0/2)

17. To visit at least one photography exhibition. (0/1)

18. To paint at least 50 watercolours. (0/50)

19. To crochet a handbag. (0/1)

20. To write a letter to the me that was in 2000. (1/1) see below

21. To write myself an letter that I will open in 2020. (0/1)

22. Make a will  (0/1)

23. Have a massage (0/1)

24. Have a facial (0/1)

25. See five films at the cinema (0/5)

26. Buy a piece of artwork I love (0/1)

27. Buy false eyelashes and wear them on a night out (0/1)

Health

28. To go to the dentist (0/1)

29. To eat my 5 per day every day for 30 consecutive days. (0/30)

30. Have at least two alcohol free days per week. (3/286)

31. Go 30 days in a row without eating takeaway. (0/30)

32. Go 30 days in a row without eating chocolate. (0/30)

33. Go for five bike rides (0/5)

Romance

34. Spend at least 10 times beekeeping with Dom. (0/10)

35. Have at least one date per month with Dom, even if it is at home. (0/33)

36. Spend six weekends away with Dom. (0/6)

37. Send my husband a love letter (0/1)

38. Kiss in the rain (0/1)

Family

39. To start an open diary to Jonathan. (0/1)

40. Take the children swimming 5 times. (0/5)

41. Go camping four times. (0/4)

42. Own a new pet. (0/1)

43. Have a picnic. (0/1)

44. Go for ten walks on the beach. (0/10)

45. Create a piece of art with the boys for the playroom. (0/1)

46. Teach Jonathan to cook five dishes (0/5)

47. Teach Charlie to read (0/1)

Friends

48. Give 5 'I saw this and thought of you' presents. (0/5)

49. Send 10 handwritten letters. (0/10)

Helping others / the planet

50. Donate something for charity each month (money, time, items) (1/33)

51. Perform five acts of random kindness (0/5)

52. Donate blood four times (0/4)

53. Plant a tree for each decade of my life (0/4)

Craft

54. To learn how to do interstarsia knitting and produce an item. (0/1)

55. To open an Etsy shop to sell my hand crafted items. (0/1)

56. To knit a pair of socks. (1/1)

57. To knit a handbag. (0/1)

58. Make three quilts  (0/3)

59. Knit an item using only double pointed needles (0/1)

60. Make and felt an item for the house (1/1)

61. Dye a skein of yarn (0/1) 

62. Learn how to spin yarn (0/1)

63. Make an item of clothing for myself (0/1) 

64. Make an item of clothing for Charlie (0/1)

65. Attend a craft fair both as a buyer and a seller (0/2)

66. Crochet a handbag (0/1)

Blogland and T'interweb

67. Update my inspiration album once per month. (1/33)

68. Keep a blog of your personal achievements and photography that is updated weekly. Read it and feel good about your place in the world.  (2/143)

69. Leave a comment on someone else's blog every week (2/143)

Home and Garden

70. Hatch duck or hen eggs (in an incubator!) (0/1)

71. Grow at least 10 different sorts of veg. (0/10)

72. Take a course in butchery. (0/1)

73. Slaughter and cook a hen. (0/2)

74. Have cut flowers every fortnight. (0/72)

75. Decorate play room (0/1)

76. Decorate lounge (0/1)

77. Decorate hall (0/1)

78. Finish kitchen (0/1)

79. Make blinds and curtains for dining room (0/4)

80. Landscape / move plants to front garden (0/1)

81. Make new vegetable plot (0/1)

82. Use the Lady Shed for my projects between May and September (0/5)

83. Put all the family photographs up in the hall (0/1)

Words and Pictures

84. To write 10 short stories. (0/10)

85. To upload a photo every week to HPAD group on Flickr (0/143)

86. Make a photo yearbook of our family life at The Cottage for each year (0/3)

87. Make a photo collage of each month at home in The Cottage. (0/33)

88. To organise my photo files every month. (1/33)

89. Take a photo of 30 happy things. (0/30)

90. Arrange Charlie's baby photos into an album (0/1)

91. Take family photos off computer and put into albums (0/1)

Seize The Day!

92. To make a snowman (1/1)

93. To jump in a puddle (0/1)

Culinary

94. Cook 101 recipes from my cookery books. (0/101)

95. Bake once a fortnight.(0/72)

96. Eat in a Michelin starred restaurant. (0/1)

97. Make a birthday cake for Dom, Jonny and Charlie each year. (0/9)

98. Make a Christmas cake each year. (0/3)

99. Cook a souffle (0/1)

100. Buy meat from a local butchers 20 times (1/20)

101. Try sushi (0/1)

***

 

20. Letter to me in 2000

12^th January 2010

 

Dear Claire, 2000

 

Blimey, I can’t believe that the ‘me’ I am talking to is 10 years ago, it has passed in the blink of an eye.

 

If I could reach out through time I would give you a hug, because I can see how vulnerable you are, but you don’t realise it just yet.

 

Your life is about to change massively. It will all feel very frightening and upsetting but please don’t worry, you are going to have a much, much happier life very soon.

 

The main piece of advice I would like to give you is that life passes too quickly – do what makes you happy.

 

You have made some amazing, empowering changes in your life recently. The may seem quite small now, but in the long term they will change your life hugely. Learning to drive was the ticket to freedom. Keep practising, and keep on doing things that make you nervous, like driving on motorways. You have bought freedom for yourself and Jonathan, and you will need to make the most of it soon. Furthermore, doing your teacher training will take you to places you never imagined. It might not be the career for the rest of your life, but it will bring you self esteem, money (and consequently, choices) and you will work with lots of lots of brilliant people who will enrich your life more than you can imagine.

 

There is someone in your life right now who is very toxic and who is very bad for you. You know who that person is. You are hanging on, hoping that they will change and very sure that you can see elements of a nice person; you are imagining it. You and Jonathan will be much safer, and much better mentally, if you can get away and protect yourself from him. At this time, you will not be able to imagine some of the horrible and selfish things he is doing; it will all be revealed soon and you will be very shocked and hurt. You are not to blame in any way for these things.

 

You will need to be brave, but you can be. Be true to yourself. It will be physically and emotionally painful, but you need to protect yourself and Jonathan. At the moment he is hurting you in several way, but the bruises heal. He does not have inner strength and envies yours. This is your tool for becoming safe.

 

The next 10 years will be the best of your life, but you need to get through the next 12 months. Be kind to yourself, don’t spend what you haven’t got and don’t work too hard. Life is short and you are lovely enough already. Live, laugh, love.

 

Claire x