This Woman's Work: Christmas

 

Christmas has a touch of the Marmites about it, I think, you either love it or hate it. My husband hates it with a passion. He thinks its overpriced, enforced consumerism - which, I suppose it is. I tend to swing, like a pendulum, between the two extremes. I think it is important to punctuate the year with traditional celebrations, as they are cast-in-stone ways of ensuring that we keep up with our friends and family. I think I actually prefer the concept of Thanksgiving, though. I do not have a strong (public) religious belief, and I do not actually believe that God cares all that much whether you pray on special or ordinary days - so the religious aspect of Christmas does little for me. I like the idea of noticing, and appreciating the good things that surround us all. Christmas, all too often, can become an exercise in The Wanties. I am not exempt from this myself.

I am starting my series 'This Woman's Work' with Christmas, as I think its an excellent example of the hard work that women do that often goes unnoticed. My husband is a 21st century man, he does a lot of housework and believes that relationships should be 50:50. However, he does have a tendancy to arrive at Christmas expecting that everyone should have thoughtful gifts chosen, made or bought, beautifully wrapped and delivered on budget. He does the food shopping, but I do most of the cooking. He couldn't care less whether Christmas cards were bought, written and sent, or who is invited and what type of food is served when they arrive, but he doesn't want anyone in the family to feel that we don't care about them. Work commitments mean that he can't attend school plays and decoration afternoons, magic shows, pantomimes or school fayres. So he doesn't get involved with finding costumes, raffle prizes, taking the children to various Christmas events and making sure they don't get too much of a sugar rush, visiting Father Christmas and encouraging the suddenly stage-struck child into the grotto, or helping clear the classroom of PVA glue and millions of pieces of paper from the classroom carpet. Nor does he think of the classroom politics of ensuring that everyone in the class has a card, posted into the right box and addressed in the right way, and of remembering other children in different classes who invited Charlie to their birthday parties over the year, and ensuring that anyone we might have left out has a card written and delivered the very next day. My husband is amazing and I love him, but Christmas really is MY work. He's busy doing the important paid stuff.

I start to plan Christmas in the preceeding January. We are both from quite small families, but that means that we need to buy presents for everyone, adults included. This may not be what other families do, and some of you will think that this is excessive and that the adults can do without gifts. Not so for our families. This is one of the unspoken challenges of Christmas that women deal with. Do you give to receive? What happens if someone turns up at your door with an unexpected gift? Do you have a few extras wrapped and ready under the tree for such eventualities? What if you buy a present for a person who can't afford to buy one back for you - is this a treat for them that they can't afford themselves, or are you encouraging them to reciprocate your gift unnecessarily, leaving them out of pocket? Do you buy things of equal value for all relatives? Or do you make sure that people have an equal AMOUNT of gifts (I especially struggle with this one with the children. It comes from Jonathan's younger days, when he had a friend with extremely generous parents. "Why does Father Christmas love Mark more than me?" he cried. Ouch.) What happens if you buy someone a gift in the sale? Does that mean you buy someone else a gift of the same amount that you spent, or the same amount that the gift is worth? And on, and on and on, Ariston.

Women try to work out all of this emotional, hidden crap. I am sure men do too but, in conversations with men I know, I find that they tend to care less what other people think.

I make gifts because I like it, and because it makes my money go further. However, if you make to sell then this is not a great use of your time. It doesn't make sense, from a financial point of view, to make items if the cost of your labour, plus the materials, is worth more than the amount you would spend on a gift. Besides which, do your friends and family actually LIKE handmade gifts, anyway? I once made a handmade blanket that cost almost £100 in yarn and hours upon hours of my time. I could have cried when I saw the disappointment on my recipient's face, and they said (much like Andie Macdowell in Four Weddings) "Oh. A blanket." 

This year I AM handmaking gifts for some people but not others; I have learned the hard way! Besides which, it gives me the opportunity to experiment with some new ideas for my newly re-launched Folksy shop that I plan to give an overhaul to in January 2013.

So, the picture above is a note book for our lovely Aunty Pauline. She's hoping to move in 2013 and is a great maker of lists. She's buying a house that looks much like this so I tried to interpret it in fabric. I REALLY enjoyed this project - fabric books are fabbity anyway, but trying to represent a home was lovely. I'm going to have a go at doing ours once I've finished the Christmas presents, but I intend to frame ours. I really hope she likes it.

SO, sneaking the Christmas joy where I can, then, with the odd bit of crafting, and some Christmas spirit (and chocolate. Oh, yes.) I'm trying not to worry too much about the other stuff.

 

Claire x

Things of which I am proud...

I am considering going back to college. When I was there first time around, I studied English, Media and Politics. I did a year long PGCE. These were all enjoyable things at the time, but as I've grown older, I've changed.

I'm doing a lot of research into what my next steps would be. I'd LOVE to do the year long art foundation course, but I'm not sure that I have the required drawing skills, to be honest. I really want to push myself, though, and I haven't got 2 or 3 years to do a course in; I need a relatively quick fix. I am passionate about textiles. I love what I do. I want to get better at it, and I want to meet local people who are good at it too. I'd also like to learn what else I might be good at, with the right effort, instruction and opportunity. I'd really, really like to do print making, with a view to printing my own fabric.

I have sent a link to my blog to a college tutor. I don't know if he/she will take a look, but it got me thinking. How do I want to represent myself? What am I most proud of?

I'll tell you my insecurities. I'm worried that my work is parochial and twee and not arty enough. I worry that I'm too old and too frumpy. I worry that I don't have enough talent or skill to make it work in that arena known as "art" rather than "craft"

I love the work I do, but it's work that I do for money, so it's necessarily commercial. Who knows what I would make if I could make something for art's sake?

Would it be any good?

 

 

I wonder if I am *really* good at something that I haven't yet discovered. I love sewing, quilting and crocheting. I'm not especially excited about making garments, but making stuff for the home makes me fizz with excitement.

 

 

I am inspired by: vintage fabrics, old fashioned household tips, recycling and living more greenly, children's creativity, illustrations from children's books, the changing seasons, beekeeping, the sea.

 

I enjoy making pieces that are personalised, and also quirky. I like to use domestic styling to shock and compare modern life with past times:

 

I like stuff that's just a bit different:

..and stuff that's pretty...

All the items I have shown you above have been made since January 2011. There are lots of things of which I am proud from previous years (you may see some of these in the folders on the right --->) However, THIS year I decided to stop working from patterns, and start focussing on making what I want to make. This has been a scary, but liberating, experience but I have learned a great deal.

I'm not sure whether the pieces I have shown you demonstrate a particular style that is demonstrably mine, but they do represent a journey I have undertaken, in which I am striving to do exactly that. I hope, in a year or two more, to get that licked.

Most of all though, I love what I do, and I am extremely lucky to have the time to indulge my passion, and customers who want to buy the things that I make. And for that, I am very grateful.

 

I feel as though a formal qualification will be part of the next stage of my journey. I want to push the boundaries of what I can achieve, and experiment with new materials, processes and ideas. I want to watch and learn from other people. I want to be able to use equipment beyond what I have at home. I want to grow in confidence - and the feeling of legitimacy - so that I can confidently say "I am an artist" (and believe it)

Claire x

 

 

 

Taa-Daa - Homes

Well, here it is, my first set of pictures for children's rooms!

I've been thinking about redecorating Charlie's bedroom for some time, but I wanted to get it right so I haven't rushed into anything. He's a bit of a girly boy at the moment (well, I say at the moment, but this phase has lasted several years so far...) and I keep expecting it to fade into a riot of Doctor Who and Transformers and the like. I'm not sure whether to decorate now, whilst I still have the chance to buy something I adore, or to wait and not risk him insisting that his room is too babyish / girly.

Anyway, all this dithering has made me think about having semi-permanent features in children's rooms, be they bedrooms or playrooms. This is where the idea for the pictures came from.

Although they are framed, the pictures have no glass so that they can safely be touched. As well as using a bright colour palette, I wanted to use a mixture of textures so that they are interesting and inviting to touch. The gnome's hat has a bell, to add a multi sensory element. This is something that I'm keen to develop in future projects.

This first series is called 'Homes.' The idea originated from pondering on what makes children feel safe and secure. Home gives a sense of permanence and comfort, which seemed appropriate. Alongside the word 'Home' is the home of a gnome (how does he fit through the door of the magic mushroom?) and a bluebird. As well as being pretty I hope it will serve as an opportunity to open up discussion about the child's home, as well as the different homes of others. I also hope it will be the inspiration for much impromptu story telling and imaginary play.

So here they are:

 

Wow, that got a bit serious, didn't it?

I think it's important to convey some of the thought processes behind the products; I hope I don't sound too grand. I do think about these things and try to respond in a thoughtful way, that's one of the elements of crafting I enjoy the most.

Speaking of Charlie's room, there was much excitement over the weekend. The new big bed arrived!

 

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/claireboynton/5404358992/" title="The boy who wanted a princess bed by Claire Boynton, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5136/5404358992_93c5c6bb2b.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt="The boy who wanted a princess bed" /></a>

Until now, Charlie has still been in his cot bed. I wondered whether I should mind, especially as various relatives started to comment. However, he still fitted in comfortably and so it seemed silly to buy another bed until the first one was no longer fit for purpose. I was quite sad to pack away the cot. I doubt we'll use it again, and it's been part of our family for such a long time.

Can you see the wall behind the bed? That's the one I want to wallpaper. If you have any suggestions, please let me have them as I'm running short on inspiration. We had to move the bookcase in order to fit the big bed in, which is why there are now holes in the wall that need filling.

Charlie was quite insistent that he wanted a Princess Bed. In fact, he wanted a pink bed. Given that he's not likely to have another bed frame until he leaves home, I was a bit reluctant to say the least. In the end we compromised - a gender neutral bed with a pink pillowcase (made by moi) and a pink undersheet. His duvet is white. He insisted on the flowery blanket, but I like it too so who cares? He's happy and that's the main thing.

The opportunity to have a shuffle round in his room means we got to make this:

 

A reading corner! Woohoo! I am very, very excited about this as we are a rather bookish household. I intend to cover that chair. I also intend to make a series of textile pictures themed around reading. Oh yes, that sounds good to me!

Love

Claire x

PS. I've just found Annie The Felt Fairy's 'A Make A Month' project, which I've joined. This is my make for January. Click the icon if you want to join too, it looks fun.

Play Time!

Hello gang, how are you doing? Well I hope? Quite a lot of my friends seem down in the dumps at the moment, I'm not sure if it's just that January feeling. I really wish I had a magic wand. Me, I'm doing quite well actually. I don't feel ill right now, just completely knackered. However, there's no shame in having a leeetle daytime rest is there? Good. I might take you up on that later ;o)

Today's opening picture is called 'anticipation'. It really made me smile. I found it on Sunday. Charlie's school have introduced a breakfast club where one can go for a half hour play before school plus juice, cereal and toast or a yoghurt. All for a bargain sum of 50p. Charlie was so very excited about having his breakfast at school and found it very difficult to wait. I was very touched to notice he'd written "tomorrow" on the school letter, unprompted, as he was counting down. And a heart. So sweet.

This week is a very special week for me, and I wish I had a bit more energy for it. My Doctor Who scarf is blocking, my orders have been made and posted and so I have that very rare combination of some time to myself and nothing to do. So I have been playing.

I have been pondering making textile pictures for some time. My notebooks are also very popular. It was natural that I would use these media to play with, I think. I've also been considering doing some craft fairs, and I suspect they're the sort of thing that would sell.

Looking for inspiration, I asked my Facebook friends for their favourite lyrics or film quotes. I got loads of brilliant ones, and have tucked away a few for future reference. Then, completely by chance, my friend Deb put this as her status update: "Wish I had a money tree so Andy could work less hours. We'd love to see more of him and his beard!"

Which inspired this:

It gave me a chance to play with my newly found love of machine embroidery - bliss. My favourite bit is the texture on the trunk and the apple button that's fallen off the tree. The sentiment is for my lovely husband, Dom.

The back of the notebook can't be plain. So look what fell out of the sky of inspiration:

I suspect we'll be seeing more of that apple motif. I'm quite taken with it.

I wanted the notebook to be practical too. So I made three flaps for holding folded paper, tickets, photos or postcards. Plus two business card holders - one for your cards and one for other people's.

What do you think? Do you like it? I'm planning to spend the whole week playing - it's a really liberating experience. I'll post the fruits of my labour - good and bad - as I go through the week.

If you want to help inspire the creative tangle in my head, please drop me a note with your favourite lyric, film quote or saying. I'll happily credit you with the inspiration and add a link back to your blog, if you wish.

Sending you lots of creative vibes

Claire x

 

More Experimenting

Saturdays

Saturdays are a lazy affair at The Cottage, especially in winter. Jonny always goes to football training, so often Dom goes with him taking a flask of coffee and reads in the car.

Today, Jonny was at a friend's house for a sleepover. Instead Dom, Charlie and I rolled out of bed late and trundled down to our local garden centre, Sandhills, for a mug of tea and a bacon sandwich. Yum.

Sandhills is one of those places that sums up our weekends. It's a pretty relaxed, run down even, sort of place but the food is good. I like to spend an hour wondering amongst the flowers whilst Charlie plays in the play area. They have pet sheep and chickens, giant rabbits and a pet shop next door with parrots and tortoises. You don't need to dress up, or wear make up, and everyone is polite but distant enough for early morning anonymity. Just the place for a young family to enjoy mooching.

This afternoon I will finish the tassles on my Doctor Who scarf and block it - the taa-daa picture will come soon. I had an order last night for eight metres of pirate bunting, so I have a date this afternoon with a mug of tea, my sewing machine and radio 4.

Dom will clean out and feed the chickens, check the bees are OK and get on with some DIY jobs around the house.

Saturdays here are a quiet, home based affair. I'm glad we don't go shopping or other traditional Saturday pursuits; there's something very lovely in marking time in this slow, domestic, cosy way of ours. Soon it will be time for working in the garden; I'm enjoying the chance to laze around whilst it lasts.

Claire x

PS Lucy at Attic 24 has a fab recipe on her blog for cheesy nibbles. I may have a go at baking these this afternoon.

 

Today

Jumping Back In

Day 1 : Frog or Finish* Organise, Create

 

Well hello, Blogland. It's been a while, hasn't it?! I've missed you.

It's been a strange year 2010, pretty difficult but also pretty positive. I started off suicidally depressed and ended up, well, almost normal. I've made a lot of things along the way, and I've learned a lot about myself. I spent quite a lot of it in therapy, I got used to the discipline of using my Lady Shed / studio every day. From nowhere I've built up a lovely little business almost without knowing how it happened; I've just been doing what I love and what feels right. I've swapped the diagnosis of depression for that of ME / CFS (and I actually think they both were accurate) and I'm learning how to manage the CFS and am having more and more good days. I would say that I'm almost back to normal, health wise, except for the medication and crutches. However, I suspect I have invoked the Law of Sod as today I feel crappy. You've gotta laugh.

I feel the need to explain my absence from the blog in recent weeks. When I first crashed and burned I needed to understand what was happening to me - and the best way I could do this was by blogging. I didn't want to talk to others, you know - the real life people, and so it was great to analyse my feelings on here. Gradually more and more folks started to follow the blog and I got performance anxiety - I needed the blogland version of Viagra. When you hear that others are struggling too it feels wrong to just talk about the positives, and a bit... erm... depressing to carry on just about the negatives. So I wasn't quite sure what to write about.

Also - and I'm not sure if this is common with those recovering from depression - I suddenly felt the need to be very private. Much more private than I have ever been before. Like a fresh, naked plant shoots from the earth I wanted to protect myself and I wanted to be alone. This has been tricky for my extended family because I've not wanted to be with them either. Just me, my husband and my boys. And my fabulous online friends who have only ever accepted me for being me and have never questioned my absences or the times when I went over the top.

Anyway, right now 2011 feels a bit scary. I'm guessing it's the first time that I have properly planned forwards. Christmas was lovely in bits, and tense at times. I'm looking forward to time alone to look at my goals.

I'm not setting new year's resolutions because I am still doing the 101 in 1001 project. I'll review that here soon. However, I have chosen three themes to work on every day - I want to be:

Creative, Organised and Kind <3

Each day I will endeavour to do one of the three and take a photo.

Creativity is important to me because I feel the urge, deep down in my soul, to make things. I also hope to do a textiles degree in 2012 (I need to save up first!) This year will be about experimentation and preparation for the bigger goal of my degree. Also, the creativity works it's magic and makes me feel happier, more relaxed and healthier. Therefore, it's currently a priority in my life.

being Organised is key to me achieving my goals. I'm not the most organised woman in the world. Hell, I'm actually spectacularly DISORGANISED.  I find personal organisation really challenging. However, in order to reach my goals I know I have to get my head around it. This includes practical things - like organising my deadlines, my studio space and paying off our credit card so that I have more choices.

Kindness is very important to me too. I'd like to think I do a reasonable job at being kind to my family and friends, but I want to increase what I do. Also, hand on heart, I'm not always very kind to myself. So this resolution involves eating more healthily, exercising, getting my hair cut and looking after myself. It also involves giving of my time and resources to charity (note - not just giving money, but my time to being a governor at our local school, as well as donating things I've made and items to charity shops). Lastly, I want to be involved with random acts of kindness. Blessed is the hand that giveth.

So, this leaves 2011 with the fantastically abbreviated COK Project!

* Day 1, as you can see from the picture at the start, was a Frog or Finish day. Frogging is a knitting term - when you rip it, rip it, rip it back. I have lots of projects that remain unfinished (I like to do several things at once) so this is their ultimate fate. Either I finish them, or they get turned back to yarn and the needles freed. I finished this crocheted cushion - RIP the summer shrug. C'est La Vie.

 

Day 2 : Working on Charlie's Quilt, Create

Its been a year in the making so far, and it needs to double in size - and that's just the top. I will finish it in time for the arrival of his new bed sometime this year. This is an ongoing project.

 

Day 3 : Making Recycled Christmas Tags, Create, Kind (recycling)

 

Charlie and I cut up the old Christmas cards before recycling the backs, and made gift tags for Christmas 2011. I was rather proud of how they turned out, and remembered doing exactly the same thing with my Mum in the 1970s. Funny how these simple, cylical things can feel so good.

 

Day 4 : Tidy The Corner, Organise

 

You would not believe what a mess this corner of my studio had become with the rush of Christmas orders. This is where I store my yarn, buttons, ribbon and findings.  Thankfully it's now restored to quiet calm where my creative juices can take hold.

Booo!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm not feeling very inspired by Halloween this year, so my lovely ball of fluff, Bob, will have to suffice. He's just a bit Halloweeny, isn't he? Halloweeny cute, maybe. Christmas, however, I am looking forward to. In fact I've bought all our presents, except three, and I even intend to wrap them next week. But Halloween and Bonfire Night? I've lost my mojo this year.

It's a glorious autumn day here - that lovely golden, pinky light - and the trees are a stunning range of yellows and oranges and reds. I really should get out there with the camera, but I can't motivate myself. The only good thing about Halloween, as far as I am concerned, is the carte blanche chocolate eating. That I shall enjoy, yum yum.

It's a busy time here at Bee towers. Dom has just got the honey in for the winter and the bees are settling down in their hives. They form a ball shape that constantly moves, so the ones on the outside move inwards where it's warm, and they each take a turn on being on the outside where it's cold. Amazing, isn't it?

I'm preparing for Christmas sales by getting a whole new load of stuff into the shop. I'm terrified it's not going to sell. There's no real reason for my anxiety, but it does worry me enormously. I think that's one of the downsides of working alone - you know you have to keep on developing, and keep on making things, but you don't have that reassurance that what you are making is actually wanted by real people. I'm not a natural business woman. I wish I could have a bit more confidence in myself. I was very humbled and reassured to see that a fellow craftswoman and Facebook friend was having a similar crisis of confidence this week, awful as that sounds. At least I'm not alone!

Anyway, I'm off to perk myself up with coffee and brave thoughts. I shall leave you with my Fireworks scarf, as it's rather festive.

Cheerio!

Claire x

Sale number one! Get iiiiiin!

Hooray <does happy dance>

I just wanted to share with you a sketch book I made for the lovely Laura. She wanted me to make something in my bunting theme:

 
So I had a good old think, and spent a few hours in the lady shed messing around with fabrics and embroidery. I came up with this:

front

 
back

side

inside cover

Do you like it? I absolutely loved doing it. It was a steaming hot summer's afternoon and I was having fun messing around with fabric. Thank you, Laura. If you'd like one, you can find them in my Folksy shop, button top right.  

On a different note, I just wanted to check you were OK. I don't know what's in the air at the moment, but a lot of friends have been in touch to say they're not doing so well. Depression seems to be rife, as well as general poorliness. I wanted to send you a hug and ask you to take care of yourself. Promise, yes?

I've just started a knitting project, for me, with pure cashmere. It's bright orange! It's such a delight, both in terms of feel and colour. I'll share that with you next time.

Lots of love!

Claire x

I've only gone and bloody done it...

Gorgeous lilacs in full bloom, outside my Lady Shed*

... opened a Folksy store, that is. Well, bloody hell. I'm a bit shocked I have actually done it, you know? I have been pontificating and procrastinating for months, you know that as well as anyone. But this week, quite unplanned, it has grown a life of it's own and taken off.

Do you remember Zac's Daddy's Cushion (below?) Well Zac's Mum, Ellie, seemed really pleased with it. She posted a really kind thread on a forum we both frequent about it. There I had five pages of people saying lovely things and telling me to open a Folksy shop. So, I obeyed! I have called Mrs-Bee because a) obviously I am a MrsB, being Mrs Boynton and b) Dom and I wanted to sell honey and set up a bee adoption service (details of which are coming soon). Therefore it seemed sensible to use the bee imagery for both.

A link to the shop is here: http://www.folksy.com/shops/MrsBee

What's more, I am delighted to say that I have had an overwhelming interest and all of my items have been on the home page already! Well, you could knock me down with a feather.

(see Fairisle iPod case, in centre)

 
(Jolly Roger bunting, top left)

Little Picasso daddy cushion, centre right

Fuzzy felt wreath, bottom left

Felted Fairy Bowl, top right.

I think part of the reason I am so amazed is that I never thought I would go into business again. Losing the last business was such a horrible, belittling experience that I never thought I would get the courage again. This may be big or tiny, who knows. The point is that I have tried again. And that makes me feel rather proud of myself, if I do say so myself.

See you soon, lovely blogger

Claire x

   * in case your wondering, my Lady Shed is sort of like my studio, but that word feels a bit too grand. It's a girl's place, with girl's stuff in it and boys are not allowed in. Dom's equivalent is called the 'man hole' - fnar!

Inspiration

It's a dark, cold, rainy day here at The Cottage today. This is the view from my kitchen window.

 
I am enjoying it more than you might imagine, actually. I realised this morning that winter is important for the natural cycle of things - the ground becomes wet, the plants rest and gain energy to burst forth in the spring. The cold makes us appreciate the warmer, longer days of summer. Yes, winter feels like a good metaphor for my experiences at the moment.

I haven't blogged for a few days. Charlie and I had Norovirus last week - yuck! Also, I really loved my last post, especially the picture. And I didn't want to spoil the picture and the optimistic sentiment with more tales of depression.

So, I have put together a collage of inspiration. These are clippings from magazines that inspire me - largely Country Living, but there may be others. Many of these pictures were snipped out months ago, so I am afraid that I cannot give sources.

I like the idea of having an online source of inspiration. If you're experiencing depression, I really would recommend starting a blog. It allows me to see my life through outsiders' eyes. That's really helpful, especially as it allows me to focus on the positive. I look at lots of other blogs too, and this helps me feel part of that community. However, the idea of an online scrapbook, that I can dip into when I need a lift or an idea, really fills me with inspiration. I am not very good at creating scrapbooks as I don't like cutting pictures out from magazines, I like to keep them whole. Taking photographs feels like a good compromise.

Dots are really doing it for me at the moment - dots and stripes. Can you see the multicoloured buttons on the red coat earlier? Oh, that gives me a thrill. However, it's a silk coat, price on application. Which means it is way, way above my budget! I have a black mac, and I am considering putting multi coloured buttons on that. What do you think? The other mums in the playground think I am a bit eccentric anyway, and I am tempted to do it just to spite them..

Don't you just love the lime of the scarf and the pom poms? And the dotty books? Ooh, my fingers are itching to get on with something... Look at the umbrellas on that book cover! I so want a pretty umbrella for Christmas, mine is plain black and very uninspiring. Look at how a pretty umbrella could brighten up a day like today!

In depression news, I had my first session of CBT last Thursday. It went well, I liked my counsellor and I found it thought provoking. However, I am finding it difficult. She has given me some workbooks to work through before next week, and I am finding it really tough going. I am finding that don't actually want to talk about the depression much, I would rather ignore it. Self pity is an easier state of mind than challenging one's fears.

I am suprised at how I feel, to be honest. I thought I was completely up for getting better. Now I am not sure whether I have wallowed enough. I am starting to see little green shoots of recovery, I just want to quietly cherish those for a while before ramping it up to challenge the big problems. I still feel private, retreated. I feel as though I am starting to wind down now; the idea of winding myself back up is frightening.

I find it hard to acknowledge these feelings. It's easier to just think 'sod it' and do what I have always done. I am trying not to, though. I have deliberately answered the door and made phone calls over the past few days. I am not sure the relief is as instantaneous as the books describe, but I am still going to keep trying, because I don't know where this will lead me. I just have to put my faith in the system, which isn't the easiest thing to do.

I hope you are well and making the most of these cold days. I am thinking of you.

With love

Claire x

Home Comforts

Hello my lovelies. Have you had a good weekend? How are you feeling? I hope you are staying on top of things.

I had a visit to the doctors at the end of last week. It was rather depressing in some ways as she said that I really needed to have counselling and there was only so much that the medication can do. Yes, I know, and it's not my fault the mental health services have taken 3 months to offer me an appointment! However, there's no point in vexing my frustration, I know that there is much demand for their services and there are people far, far worse than me. I left feeling as though I shouldn't have gone and guilty that I was making a fuss about nothing. However, I am trying to keep in mind that this is a symptom of the depression.

The upshot is that she's increased my beta blockers and I have had a positive few days! It would be a lie to say the days are without challenge, but I am feeling quite a lot better. I am really hoping that this positivity sticks. I have managed to open the curtains every day, clear up a bit, smile and start to tackle the current big fear that is Christmas.

I've had tonsillitis for almost 2 weeks now. In one tonsil. It just won't clear up, frustratingly. Also, on Saturday, I got mauled by a very cute little kitty that came to our catflap. I tried to befriend him and he went for me - he was hanging off my arm by his teeth, with all four sets of claws stuck into me! I have a sore arm now, at one point it was quite sore and infected, but it's seeming to clear up now.

Would you like to see my Christmas making list? Would you? Honestly? It's quite a corker! However, putting it together has cheered me right up, ironically. I love making things and having a big list to choose from - and the excuse to sit down and make due to excess of said list - is making me warm and fuzzy.

OK - here goes:

Mum throw

Mother in Law throw

Washcloths x 3

Drawstring bags x 3

Bottle home made beer

Home made bramble jam

Baz's willy warmer

Baz's alien scarf

Pauline bag / scarf

Phoebe beret

Little Red Riding Hood dressing up bag

Cookie in Jar

Ripple blanket

Charlie's gloves

Fishing game

Hobby horse

Babette blanket

Prince Charming dressing up bag

Felt food

Dom scarf

Dom work cushion

The Cottage applique

Charlie knitted teddy

Dad socks

Grandad socks

I am on the last square of my Mum's throw, which is made up of dishcloths. It looks much better than it sounds! They are made with soft yarn, with different textures. It's the first time I have made a granny square blanket from knitted panels rather than crochet, but I thought Mum would prefer this slightly more refined art. I am planning to join the strips with 2 round crochet squares in a beige / stone colour, and then give it a scalloped crocheted edge. I hope to block it today, so should come up with some pictures tomorrow.

I have made a lot of progress with Christmas, which is one huge weight off my mind as I was starting to feel quite panicky. With me not working money is really very tight around here. We really are going to have to do things quite cheaply, although I really do love the make do and mend spirit, so that's OK by me.

I have made a spreadsheet (Dom approved!) of all the presents we need to buy. This year I bought several as I saw them cheaply, which is saving us a fortune! I will certainly do that again. Also, making your own presents is a good way of shaving off a few £££ from the bill. Anyway, everyone has a budget, and now a list of every gift they will have. I must, must, MUST stick to this list and not pick up bits and pieces as I go along. I am terrible at this. Anyway, for everyone, including Dom and the boys, we're looking at ust shy of £300. Still a fortune, huh?

My secret plan is to make £300 from selling things on Ebay, thus making it a money neutral Christmas. We really could do with the space too. So we win on both counts. I am so determined to make it work this year.

Righto, Charlie wants his breakfast so I had better go. Lots of love to you all. Big hugs.

Claire x

Project 21 Taa-Daa: Hand Made Postcards

I have recently come across a fantastic little project that's really caught my imagination. It's called Postcrossing. Essentially, you register and get given up to 5 addresses around the world to send a postcard to. When your 5 have been sent, you are then nominated to people wanting new addresses, and receive 5 postcards yourself, through the post, from anywhere in the world.

When I was a little girl I used to love having penpals - we used to write off to an organisation in Finland (I believe?) called the IPF and they would send back an address for you to correspond with. I was always very excited about getting new penfriends, but our letters would always dry up pretty quickly once we'd exchanged information about the obvious (usually boyfriends, siblings, pop stars, pets - that's about all we had to talk about.) Well this is kind of the same, except it's more of a penfriend one-night-stand. You put some information about the sort of postcard you'd like, and wait and see what comes through the door - and that's where the commitment ends. Perfect.

Charlie and I wre painting at the weekend and, as usual, I had been instructed to paint and wasn't sure what to do. So, inspired by Vanessa's brilliant blog, Do You Mind If I Knit, I started to have a go at some gift labels. These soon morphed into full on, multi craft, double sided postcards. Which I thought I would share with you.

One side is painted watercolour, either as a wash, or something more detailed. Voila:

The other side is embellished with felt, fabric and buttons:

I have so far sent one to the USA, one to France, and one to the Netherlands, Finland and Germany. I've added the blog address to all my cards, so "hello!" if any of you reading are Postcrossers!

Do you know the best thing? Someone has offered to pay me to make some for them! Pay! Me! I am so pleased about that, it's given me a real lift on an otherwise dark week.

It's cold here, very autumnal, and this week is the famous Hull Fair - the largest funfair in Europe. It comes to Hull for a week at the end of the season (picture below). We're hoping to take the children. I'll send a report next week.

Love to you all, and have a fantastic weekend

Claire x