Panic Attacks

So, it seems I have a new "thing." I find it hard to write about crappy health issues because you must get bored of it. I don't want my blog to become known as the whingey blog, because no-one wants that, right? On the other hand, I committed to write about my depression (and by association, my ME, since that came after) so I feel obliged to give a realistic picture.

Generally, things have been pretty good for me recently. Depression wise I have stopped taking the anti-depressants and that has made me very happy, if a little scared. As I said to the doctor, it's like standing on the very edge of a precipice. You've managed to get over it safely, but one wrong step and you could be back at the bottom quicksmart. However, on the whole, I have felt as though it was a battle I was winning.

I'm struggling with my ME, I'll be honest. I've been feeling ill for three weeks. THREE weeks. Just because of one sodding day out. Then, feeling a bit too brave and not really 100% better, I decided to go out to town with my family on Saturday for a pootle around the shops. We were out for maybe three hours. I've been sick since. It's NOT FAIR, and I realise I sound like a little girl and I am embarrassed. I am grumpy, heinously frustrated and hard to live with. The other sad fact is there's not much more I can do personally. I'm taking my tablets, eating healthily, exercising as much as I can, sleeping whenever I feel like it. I'm challenging myself to get out and about as much as I sensibly can. Yet still I am not well, and I just have to put up with it. Grrrump. I just want a freaking normal life.

So, to top it all off, you can imagine my delight to discover that I am now having panic attacks. They have happened in the night, twice. I can't breathe. They're absolutely hideous. The first time I had one I thought I was having a heart attack. Last night I didn't have a panic attack, but I was awake most of the night worried that I was going to have one. Which means I have felt unwell all day, which starts my ME gremlins off. It's a viscious bloody circle.

So today's blog post was brought to you by Frustration and Irritation. Sorry it's not more positive. I really am seriously considering a course of CBT to help me deal with the anger I am feeling at the moment. Any tips would be very, very gratefully appreciated.

With love

Claire x

PS Have been working on some newborn hats, and I hope to bring you a tutorial by the end of the week!

Darker Nights, Lighter Me.

Well hello there guys and dolls. I hope you are all doing well, and are not minding the shorter days too much? I love them, actually. I always think I love  spring best and, much as I do love it, there is something so romantic about the changing colours of autumn, and the mists and dew and fruit. It's a throwback to school times, I think, but September to me really feels like the month of new resolutions and routines and commitments to be better. Usually, at this time of year the commitments are personal; to cook from scratch more, to keep the house tidier. I rarely manage the latter, but to hell with it. I keep trying, and that's what matters.

It's been a BRILLIANT month or so. I have felt so, so much better. The depression is starting to lift - HOOORAH! I have been willing it to lift for months, convincing myself that it was going and that it's departure could be measured. However, like you embrace the extra minutes of daylight in January and February, it seemed too long in coming and I feared I would never be right again. However, somehow over the summer, my eyes turned away from the depression. And now, like early March, I can definitely see that there's less darkness. It's not summer yet, but it's not winter either. And boy, am I happy to tell you that.

One (rather large) downside to my health issues is that I have recently been properly diagnosed with ME/CFS. However, I'm feeling upbeat about it. I do use crutches and I do have pain but, on the whole, it feels so much more liveable with than the depression and, dear Lord, am I grateful for that. I am still at the stage where I am learning what I can and can't do, and some days I can do precious little. However, that's cool. At the moment I can sit on the sofa and knit, which pleases my soul.

I'm knitting furiously for my autumn / winter season on Folksy. Part of me is chuckling because I really have missed the boat. However, if I can get my lines up my the end of the first week in November I will be pleased. Next year, I will start seasonal knitting MUCH earlier!

I have to stop now - we're having toad in the hole for dinner and it needs my attention. The darkness is drawing in and Dom will just have set off from work. Charlie is watching Ben 10 on television and Jonathan has just come in from playing football, all muddy and smelling of earthy grass and is heading up for a shower. I can't tell you how much I love my little family. It's just a deep feeling of happiness and satisfaction, warm and fuzzy like cocoa on a cold day. I am very lucky to live my life. It has its ups and downs, and its challenges, but I have such special people around me and for that, I am blessed.

Love to you all

Claire x

PS the picture is of my baby knotty hat, knitted for a friend and photographer. You can find it here.