This Woman's Work

Recently I was listening to a podcast of Radio 4s Woman's Hour in which a female historian (Mary Beard, I think) was talking about women in Rome. She made the point that women's lives don't generally make the history books unless they do traditionally male things, like start wars (Elizabeth I, Joan of Arc, etc). In fact the very word, HIS-story, excludes women. I knew this, but I hadn't thought about it enough recently.

By total coincidence I did an unusual thing (for me). Someone contacted me about depression, and I read back some of my earliest blog posts. I never re-read what I have posted if I can help it as it makes me cringe. However, in reading back my early posts I realised that what this blog, and I, have lost is writing about the tiny, day-to-day details of my life. These days, days can go by and I think to myself "what have I got to write about? All I do is look after the baby, the boys and my husband. I craft, meet up with friends and watch the telly in an evening." Which is true. Who would be interested in that? But why do I find the details of my life and my day to day thoughts from days gone by compelling? Is it just self centredness? But if I don't record the details of my life, who will? Will I just pass, unrecorded, dead in the ground and without a voice? Is my life is less important than, say, my husband who is out in the real world doing paid work? Even though, to be fair, he's not starting wars, everywhere I look I see men like him represented. I have my own voice; why don't I use it?

I wondered how and when I lost my confidence, and I realised that it something a man on a forum said. He laughed that people who write Facebook statuses about their children are boring. Not just a bit boring either, terminally boring.

Now this is a nice bloke, of whom I thought quite a lot. Somehow I have internalised this message. Who wants to be considered boring? But, the thing is, when I write this blog then I am not writing for people like him - confident, media types who live a very exciting life in a man's world. I write for myself, and for women like me, who may or may not want to read about women like them. I am interested in the daily lives of other women too. I am respectfully probably not very interested in the things he likes to post about (although I don't know, for we are not Facebook friends).

I made a decision. For a year, I am going to write regularly about my domestic life and photograph it. I am, for now, a stay at home mum. I haven't always been a stay at home mum, and I won't always be. I don't care if other people find it boring. I have the right to record my life, in this little part of the internet that belongs just to me. One day, I will wonder what it felt like to be a stay at home mum and what my thoughts were. I will wonder how I filled my days. One day my daughter may well be a stay at home mum, and I want her to know that that's OK. It's a time where you give a lot of yourself, and a time where feelings can run high - but that's cool. It is many things, and it may be boring, but it does NOT make you boring.

I think having a daughter is going to be good for me.

Claire x

This Moment

I must confess that, with a baby, I'm struggling to blog as much as I once did. I spotted a lovely feature on another blog I follow though, and I thought I might borrow it, at least until the baby is bigger and I have more time. The blog in question is Soule Mama - do visit her, if you get chance, as its a really lovely blog. I hope that you will, and then I shan't feel as bad about borrowing her style of blogging.

Soule Mama just uploads a picture, that she calls {this moment}. I like the concept of mindfulness, of noticing *this moment* as otherwise they all too quickly whizz by. I am wordy, so I expect I may add words to my moments too - at least from time to time.

Anyway. This is my moment for today. Florence, all bathed and dried and smelling delicious and clean, in her pretty dress. She always wants a feed after a bath, wants with such an intensity that she cannot focus on anything else, even when she's bathed in the daytime. When she feeds, she buzzes her hands about busily, eyes dark and satiated, liking to stroke my top, or hold my finger, milk drunk.

I will never, ever stop counting my blessings for this wonderful little bundle. My new start. 

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:: this moment ::

Life and Death

It has been an absolute age since I posted here. I'd just like to say thank you to those of you who have checked back from time to time, and I'm sorry there hasn't been an update. I've been in a bit of a funny place. A private place. A place that needed a bit of time and reflection.

I started this blog nearly 3 years ago. At that time, a perfectly nice and happy life had gone tits up, and chucked me into the depths of depression and despair. I can say this honestly now, but I honestly did not think I would get better. I thought I would die. As melodramatic as that sounds, every last cell in my body thought my days were up. How could it be possible to feel so much pain and get better? I'd given up.

Looking back, I can hardly tell you how the recovery process happened. I can tell you that it took a long, long time; far longer than I had hoped. I am sure that the love of my family and friends has been instrumental in getting me back on track, as has the kind and patient help of crafting. Night and day, pain or joy, the crafting has been there to sooth worried fingers and to unbend a twisted mind. Without craft I don't know where I would be. The same goes for my family and friends, obviously.

Anyway, not only did I not die. Look!

I have been filled with new life! As I write now, I am 19 weeks pregnant with my third child. A gift that amazes and overwhelms me and makes some kind of sense of the last few years. A much wanted, longed for child who will bring new love into our family.

I feel very blessed.

I have also felt frightened, overwhelmed, thrilled, under prepared, anxious, excited, scared, amazed, shocked, worried, delighted - just about every emotion under the sun.

We don't yet know if the baby will be a third son or a first daughter. Our 20 week scan is on the 24th February (12 days and counting!) and we hope to find out then. I am just starting to feel the wiggles and kicks, although my belly feels massive already!

Doesn't life take a funny path? Twists and turns and ups and downs that we can't possibly understand at the time. If you're reading this in the depths of depression: have hope. I know that hope doesn't come easily and, if it's too much, just have an open mind. Life is rarely as bad as we think it will be in our darkest moments.

I guess this blog will become, in part, a parenting blog from now on. I still feel the need to record my feelings and thoughts, now more than ever. I still hope to craft and will keep you updated on what I'm working on, and our family life. I'm just letting you know because I know that, for some of you, that will change your views on how often you visit me here at Knitted Back Together. If pregnancy and babyhood is a difficult subject for you, then I understand and I send you my best wishes. I hope you understand that its something too big for me not to talk about.

Most recently, I've been working hard on the first module of my OCA Textiles Course. You can see what I've been doing here. It's not my usual blog style as it forms part of the formal assessment of the course, but I hope you'll enjoy looking at the pictures!

Much love - and as a very wise friend of mine said, when it all gets too much, keep breathing. Who knows where life will take us next?

Claire x