Going Up and Coming Down (parental advisory!)

I haven't blogged about my depression for a good while because, to be perfectly honest, it's been in check for the last six months or so. Not a day goes by when I don't say a silent 'thank you' for this, because depression truly is a bitch of an illness. What happened to me was that my physical symptoms seemed to galvenise and become worse, resulting in the diagnosis of ME. However, my mind began to clear.

Looking back, there were a few things that really helped:

1) My close family. Without the love and routine of my boys, I think I would have become nocturnal. I hated the routine at the time, but I think it did help to keep me on track.

2) A good therapist. Therapy was really tough, but it did help. I am sure it's probably something I'll drop in and out of over the course of my life.Rather than walking the old, worn down paths in my mind, it set me on a new path and I ended up in a different place. It takes practice to keep those new paths from getting overgrown, but it has helped enormously.

3) Crafting. I've always made things, but the intensity has varied at different times in my life, as has my craft. The deep, soul rendering desire to make stuff started six months before my breakdown. I would literally hide away, turn off my phones and email and treat myself to making time. At my worst, the crafting was the only positive thing I could think of and it helped to give me some structure and something to look forward to. Last time something similar happened to me, when I had Post Natal Depression, I cooked.

Over the last year the hobby has become more of a business requiring routine and self discipline. Last summer I sorted myself out a space to work, and I started to go there to work every day. That helped. It kept me focussed, it put me in touch with people. Through crafting I've had to face my demons (anything to do with organisation or anything official; using the phone.) A year ago this would have been impossible. Now I can do it.

4) Finally my lovely friends. They are mainly internet friends, but they have been wonderful. They've listened to me cry, offered sympathy and hugs, made me laugh and challenged me when I needed it. Thank you.

I'm writing this review because I'm coming off my antidepressants. This is a huge goal for me; I'm excited about life after medication. It's also one of those moments when you can say that the depression is now in the past.

About 3 weeks ago I started to reduce my ADs from 20mg (escilatopram) to 10 mg. It's been really tough! I was a bit blase about how well I would manage, because I'd forgotten quite how hideous the depression is. My weaning off the drugs has been hard - and I've felt anxious and depressed too. It's getting better though. But hats off to those of you who've been through this before me.

I'm also going to sneak in here a 'Taa-daa', because it's relevant.

I am part of a fab online community and have been for about eight years now. One of my friends from there, as a new mum, was getting very stressed about not coping and her house looking a mess. Oh haven't we all been there (my kids are 5 and 13, and I still am. That's probably just me though). Lots of more experienced parents gave their reassurance that it was quite normal and she shouldn't worry. She was not convinced; she'd expected it all to be so much easier. Eventually another friend told her to "fuck the fucking housework." This made me laugh and I have mentally referred to it on numerous occasions since. Quite. I like that sentiment.

So, last week when I was messing around looking for creative inspiration, I made this:

 

Now I'm happy to admit it's a bit rough around the edges. Machine embroidery didn't work, so I went over with hand stitching. If I were to do it again, I'd screen print, I think. However, perfection was Not The Point. It was about creating and learning.

Whilst I love the sentiment, I knew that my mother Would. Not. Approve. So I made a little modesty panel to whip on when you have guests:

 

Et voila! A cheeky little number that you can either keep covered up, chuckling to oneself about the sentiment underneath, or leave exposed for all the world to see and then cover up when older guests (or children) arrive.

Well, it made me smile. Speaking of which, please PLEASE check out this link. Each time I have visited I have ended up crying with laughter. Just don't do it if you're in the office or out in public; you'll get funny looks.

Lots of love

Claire x

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/5122/15-most-popular-autocorrects-from-january-2011/ Enjoy!