So, I've been keeping a little secret....

And before you ask - NO! I'm not pregnant! hahaha.

Earlier in the year I had the good fortune to come across some very lovely ladies who work at All Craft Media, the publishing company that produces such brilliant magazines as Handmade Living, Sew Hip, Knit and Inside Crochet.  The link was made through the Folksy blog, as they were looking for craft writers. I sent off a quick 'hello' with some ideas, fully expecting to hear nothing in return. To my amazement I was offered a regular gig - a monthly column at Handmade Living. Yippppeeeee!

I've got a few editions under my belt now, so I wanted to share them with you. I wanted to keep this under my hat for a bit, because it didn't seem fair to share the content of my pieces with those who had not read the magazine. I'm going to use my blog to share the back story of my pieces, and to point you to the places you might buy this magazine of fabulousness. It's available from Hobbycraft, WH Smith, Morrisons, Asda, Sainsburys and Martins. Good local newsagents will order it for you if you ask them. You can download an individual digital edition by clicking here, or you can subscribe by clicking here.

Here was my first piece:

Called "Tea at Nan's" this piece reminisces about my summers as the youngest child of a gaggle of 10 cousins. We would chase each other around the vegetable patch, play hide and seek and feed our dolls with a bakelite pink plastic teaset.

 

 

Sunday tea was always a special occasion. There were loads of us crammed into my Nan's best room - twelve adults, ten children and sometimes other friends and neighbours. The adults *all* smoked - the men mainly smoked pipes, from what I recall, and I still remember it's heady scent, mixed with the tang of coal dust, fondly. After tea we were allowed a sip of sherry mixed with lemonade, if we were lucky. I don't even think that the adults were allowed undiluted sherry, and one was very definitely everyone's limit. My Nan was extremely concerned about What The Neighbours Might Say.

 

Whether it was winter or summer, tea was always tinned salmon sandwiches (cut into triangles; a luxury in our house), plain crisps bought from the pub, salad separated out into individual bowls and pork pie. Woe betide the person who ate the last slice of pork pie! Pudding was a community affair - my mum and most of my aunties were keen bakers, so we often had a selection of home made shortbread, chocolate cakes and - best of all - my Nan's pointy little rock buns. These delights were usually served with warm Cornish ice cream (Nan had no freezer, so someone would dash to the village cafe for the ice cream before Tea, and we would eat it semi-melted.) Strangely enough, our family would also eat bread and butter with their pudding - my Mum tells me this is a war time trick to make the good things go further. Even if it sounds weird, brown bread and butter with ice cream is delicious, believe me.

During The Tea, my Grandad's friend would always turn up with a contraption that was something important to do with racing pigeons. To this day, I'm not sure what it was. As a five or six year old, I was never allowed to accompany Grandad to talk to this man in the hall. Instead I used to stand next to the door, and push my face against it's creamy, smooth gloss paint in an effort to work out this mystery.

 

I thought I'd share with you the recipe for my Nan's delicious buns. The photos are ones that I took this summer, having given them a bit of a modern facelift. Nan's were always plain and, as I said earlier, always pointy. They didn't come in fancy cases either. This is a war time recipe passed down my family, and it's still just as good today as it ever was. I only need to bake a batch to be transported back to my Nan's happy, hot and slightly damp house. My sons love them too, unaware of the history behind them. Enjoy! X

 

225g Self Raising Flour

85g Margarine

30g Vegetable Fat (like Trex)

110g Caster Sugar

2 eggs, mixed with milk to make 1/4 pint

 

1. Pre-heat the oven to 90C / 200F / Gas Mark 6

2. Rub the margarine and fat into the flour, or whizz in a food processor, until it has a breadcrumb-like texture

3. Mix in the sugar

4. Whisk the eggs and, if they measure less than a 1/4 pint, top up with milk

5. Add the egg mixture slowly (I drizzle it in whilst the food processor is whirring). The final mixture should be a dropping consistency - slowly add more milk if it's dry.

6. Spoon the mixture into greased bun tins, or paper muffin cases.

7. Bake for 15-20 mins until golden brown.

 

You can change the recipe by adding 110g of dried fruit, glace cherries or chocolate chips. You can also substitute 30g of cocoa powder for the self raising flour. Decorate with melted chocolate and brown sugar.

 

More Experimenting

Me (not dead!)

Well, hello there lovely bloggers, how goes it? I hope you are all well, and you remember who I am. It's been an absolute age, hasn't it?

The last couple of weeks have been a bit odd, and, for that reason, I haven't really felt up to blogging. Firstly, I was really collared by the black dog. Properly and truly can't-get-off-the-sofa-sit-on-your-hands-suicidal sort of depression. That said, as awful and as bleak as it was, it lasted about 4 days after my last post. I don't think I have felt that bad before, but that's possibly because I had started to feel better, so I was more aware of the difference.

The weather hasn't helped much - it's been freeeezing cold, dark, icy and snowy. It's been the coldest December and January for over 20 years. So, I have rather sensibly stayed indoors, apart from the school runs and a few trips into the garden to take photographs. I'll share those with you later.

After that I was clobbered by - and I kid you not - the desire to clean. No, I am not pregnant. However, I am the proud owner of one spotless and shiny house! Again, this has pulled me away from blogging duties (booo!)

And THEN, I went into creative overdrive. I've put the Bonkers blanket on one side for a little while, it was becoming a little repetitive. I like to have a couple of projects on the go at once. I decided to have a go at the February Lady Sweater by Flint Knits.

I've never really made myself anything to wear before. Actually, that's a bit of a lie, I tried last summer, to  make a long, pink cabled cardi. However, I didn't check my gauge and figured using a slightly larger needle wouldn't matter all that much. How wrong I was! after a very complicated yoke that took forever (especially for someone at the crisis stage of a breakdown) I started sewing it together to realise that yes, ladies and gentlemen, it made me look like Barbapapa. And, in case you're not as old as I, this is Barbapapa was a children's character from the 70s:

 Funnily enough, these days he just looks like a giant condom, huh? How innocent we were back then...

Anyway, you get the picture. Pink and blobby is not a good look.

So, I have been manically getting on with the Lady Sweater. And, aside from 3 buttons it's finished. I am blooming delighted. I have ordered the most adorable vintage buttons from Folksy, I'll show you a picture as soon as it's ready.

I have just started working on a Fair Isle hat for Charlie as he's managed to lose two - yes, two - hats at school since Christmas. I have no idea where they go! You would think someone else's Mum would realise they'd brought another child's handknitted hat home wouldn't you? Apparently not. Anyway, one of my 101 in 1001 was to learn interstarsia, so I'm onto it and lovin' in. In my tidy home. Get me.

Two other good things have happened recently. Firstly, I have take a leap into the unknown and booked a new therapist. She sounds fabulous - she's a humanist in approach (I am not yet sure what this means) and a trained hypnotherapist, and she uses art therapy to help with depression and anxiety. My first appointment is next Tuesday.

And finally, I have a new haircut! It's perked me up no end. Here you go:

Catch you soon - I promise I'll be back more quickly next time!

Lots of love

Claire x

Project 19: Dining Room Throw Taa-Daa!

Hello readers, how are you today? It's a lovely sunny but cool day in East Yorkshire and I can hear children playing and lawn mowers mowing in the distance. Everyone is looking forward to the first weekend after the long school holiday. It's Charlie's last ever day at nursery *sob* and I am going to be more upset than he is. The "ladies" at nursery are like extended members of our family.

Anyway, I'm in an up and down sort of mood. I've got lots of ironing done (yay!), have shined my sink and washed and dried clothes and dishes. I have finished Charlie's rainbow jacket this morning and read a book in 24 hours - On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan. It was good - sexually charged and suffocating. It wasn't the cheeriest of reads, but worth a look if you fancy something quick. I got it for 99p from our local charity shop; I like that sort of recycling!

I got a letter from my employer this morning terminating my employment. Actually, there was no letter, just a form. I am quite hurt. I put my heart and soul into that job and it wouldn't have taken much to say "form enclosed, thanks for your hard work and commitment, we hope you're better soon." Still, lesson learned.

I am also surrounded by pregnant women and new babies at the moment and it makes me feel very complicated. I had terrible post natal depression after Charlie was born and I am convinced that I am in this situation now because I didn't seek treatment early enough then. So, in a week where my baby leaves nursery and starts school, regrets about his babyhood and the wondering whether I'll ever have another baby, whether I'll ever be able to make the hurt better and whether I even want another child are thronging my mind. Ho hum. I'm coming back as a man next time.

Anyway, let's cheer ourselves up. Fancy looking at my lovely blanket? I am very proud of this one. I love the feel of it, the colours (especially the edging), I love how much I enjoyed the project - the whole thing has been marvellous. Anyway, here you go. I present:

Project 19: The Dining Room Throw

Cost: about £100, mainly due to the Debbie Bliss Cashmerino. I eventually relented and started using leftovers from other projects and acrylics, just to keep the cost down.

Time Taken: 4 weeks

Satisfaction rating: 9/10 - an easy pattern that gave lots of opportunity for playing with colour. I joined the  squares as I went, then did the  rounds of edging before starting more smaller squares. This made the joining feel much less of a chore.

Lessons learned: sew in tails as you go!

So, do you like it as much as I do? This will always remind me of the summer of 2009, especially crocheting squares on three of the local beaches whilst Dom and the children played in the sea. It's been a difficult summer in lots of ways, but there are happy memories too. And I have a fab blanket to snuggle under when I am doing my winter knitting!

I look forward to hearing your comments. I hope to see you again soon xx

A Change of Tone

The new shelves in my kitchen, displaying my bunting tea set, and other knick-knacks I have collected. I can't stop looking at them!

Today I made up my mind that I was going to be positive. And, do you know what? I have felt much better. Maybe it's a co-incidence, maybe the extra fluoxetine is helping, or maybe there has been an element of psychosomaticness (is that a word?)/ negative thinking. Anyway, I thought I would share.

I was woken early by Charlie, and we got up together and shared a lovely hour drinking tea, eating breakfast and watching children's television. I really love those quiet, intimate shared times when we are both tired and need not even speak. A lazy arm around each other on the sofa is just enough.

I went back to bed for a cuddle with Dom and Charlie, then we left to pick Jonathan up from football. He was tired from the sleepover but in a good mood. We decided to go out for lunch, and had a lovely drive through the countryside and watched different farmers harvesting their crops. The difference in colour and texture of the local landscape at this time of year is really inspiring. Some fields are golden-grey with ripe corn, others have been roughly ploughed and are a deep reddy brown. There are also those that have been finely tilled, with all sorts of different striped patterns that vary from field to field. Round and rectangular bundles of hay litter other fields, and yet more have stubbly 6 inch straw sticking out from them, where they have been harvested but not yet ploughed. I absolutely love living amongst all this agricultural drama. I must get out and take some photos tomorrow.

Lunch was fab - chicken kiev, home made chips and chocolate ice cream. Back home, we all watched the Hull City v Chelsea match, which caused controversy (Dom and I support our local team, Jonny is an ardent Chelsea supporter). However it was good natured and fun to do something together that Jonny really enjoyed - engaging a 12 year old boy can be a challenge.

I have spent this afternoon tidying the office and getting rid of the last reminders of Generation One. A couple of weeks ago even attempting anything like this made me cry. Now I feel cleaner and lighter for letting it all go. I am Ebaying/ Freecycling / Recycling as much as possible; it's really important to me not to be wasteful.

Charlie and I visited the local park whilst Dom had a snooze, and Charlie was thrilled that two of our cats, T.C. and Bramble, decided to join us. They loved miaowing and getting some fuss, and Charlie thought it was just hilarious. He had a good time playing on the equipment with a couple of older boys, and I sat in the sunshine and peeled bark from a stick - something I haven't done in years and years. I had forgotten just how gratifying it can be.

Today may have been an island in the storm, but it has been lovely and much appreciated. I have some pictures to share with you too, as I managed to charge my camera battery yesterday, something I haven't been able to force myself to do for a fortnight. It sounds like madness to write it down, but that's depression for you. Isn't it bizarre?

Oh, and I have bright red hair. It seemed like the best way to mark the changes. It's Ronald McDonald red and I absolutely bloody love it. I do have a ginger scalp, but I am hoping that will fade.....

This plate was a wedding present of my Nan's, and the embroidered tray cloth was made by Dom's Grandma. It gives me goose bumps that these two items look so great together on the sideboard in my dining room even though they were owned by women who never met from different parts of the country. They are our roots.

Lovely flowers and family phoots on the same sideboard. Again, they make me smile.

Mental Wallpaper

Some lovely roses Aunty Pauline bought for me after their stay at the weekend, and something that's making me smile.  Note to self - buy flowers more often.

For me, one of the tough things about depression is that recovery is not a straight line upwards. It would make sense to me that, if I carry on taking the medication properly, today I should feel a little bit better than I did yesterday, and the day after even better still. Frustratingly, it really does feel like a case of two steps forward and one step back.

It's two weeks and one day since ground zero - the day that I completely broke down. I had been really struggling with the depression since Christmas, but I knew that I was feeling worse and worse. The only relief I had were what I called "cocoon days." On cocoon days, I would disppear. I would tell everyone that I was working with the other (bearing in mind that I was working 2 jobs and running a business). I would then spend blissful time doing only what I wanted - which was usually knitting, crocheting or pottery painting.

Ironically, the more under pressure I felt, the more I needed cocoon days. And the more I needed them, the less I should have taken them, given that the work and pressure were ramping up. It was ever decreasing circles. In the end I let lots of things slide and people started to get frustrated and cross with me - which made me start to avoid them, and phone calls, letters and emails. Which made them more cross. And me more determined to take my time where I could. I became a muddled, defensive mess.

Ground Zero came about when I made a mistake at work. In some ways it was very silly and minor - I hadn't confirmed a booking. I'll be honest - I lied and said I had. Bullshitting is the easiest way out of these situations sometimes. It's not like me - I usually am very conscientious. Anyway, lots of people had started work on something based on this little white lie I told. And I started to panic. The pressure I felt under was indescribable, and I hated myself. I was literally heaving.

In the end, someone else had made a worse mistake than me and so the whole thing was abandonded. I was out of the shit. But when I got home, there was a letter for the business about a bill I didn't even know we'd run up. I just dissolved. I never cry, never. Except when I am watching something sad on the television, and even then it's embarrassing and Dom takes the mickey. But that evening I just sobbed and sobbed all night long. To the extent that Charlie, my 4 year old, was afraid I was going to die, and it was clear from their faces that Dominic and Jonathan were seriously worried about me too.

I literally spent the next 5 days on the sofa. I did bits and bobs of work from home, but I had five cocoon days in a row. I spent most of that time asleep - it was like my body just went into shutdown. I did some knitting, but very little really, and only really managed stocking stitch - I literally could not concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes or so. I largely slept all morning and watched Diagnosis Murder and Murder She Wrote in the afternoon.

Since those five days, I have started to feel much better. Dom has been at home, it's the school summer holidays, and his gentle, positive influence has been really helpful. He really understands, having been through something similar himself a couple of years ago. He just listens and encourages me to do things as I need to. There is something about his quiet, positive strength that just allows me to hand all my trust over to him as I know he's always got my best interests at heart.

Despite feeling generally more upbeat, the last two days have been tough. The anxiety has returned and I have stopped sleeping. Last night Jonny had a sleepover in a friend's tent, and I spent most of the night worrying he was OK - which is mad, he's 12 FFS and it was a few minutes away from home. I left the back light on should he come home, and he had his keys. Nothing bad really could happen. But somehow that didn't stop the depressive Gremlins whittering in my ear all night. True to form he came home this morning having had a wonderful time. And I am just tired out.

The upside of feeling down is that I have allowed myself to spend lots of time crocheting. I am making a new Afghan for the dining room. I started to make the Pieced Throw from the Erika Knight Book but it was too modern for the room, as I wanted a vintage look, so I frogged it and started again. It also didn't look right in sage green and purple. So I started making a lovely, flowery granny square blanket, having been inspired by the brilliant Attic 24 blog.

The centre of each square is a new stitch for me - bobble stitch (click link for instructional video). I do 8 bobble stitches and it really looks like the centre of a flower as it's more pointy that the Granny trebles. Each batch of four squares are joined, with edging of four rounds of Granny trebles in different colours. I am currently thinking that I will join all those bigger squares - possibly 9 or 12 - and then edge with a wide border of white and lilac. This will balance the bright colours of the centre squares, and will make sure it stands out on my aubergine sofas.

I am looove-ing it. There is something so soothing about the mindless trebles, which I can now do with my eyes shut, and I love the different textures of the different yarns. I really do like using a mixture of odds and ends, in the recycle and make-do-and-mend tradition of afghans. It is a soothing, repetitive mental wallpaper and helps me pass these dark, depressive days.

Anyway, what do you think?

And, as a contrast to this lovely colour, I decided to have a bash at the round cushion in Erika Knight's book. I am crocheting in a cream, cotton DK and I love the texture. It worked up really quickly to start with, although now the rounds are over 120 stitches it's taking much longer! I have run out of yarn for this, and for the edges of the afghan, so I will have to pop out to my LYS when the car comes back from the garage and it stops raining.

Here you go. And here's hoping for a bit more sunshine (literal and metaphorical) tomorrow.... x