Missing my little boy

 

I have longed for the day when the boys went back to school. Jonny is not much bother these days - he likes to hang out in his bedroom with his mates and chat on Facebook when he's alone. Charlie, however has driven me mad! He's been so well behaved over Christmas, but wants my attention constantly and follows me around with his DS playing that irritating tinny noise. I can't tell you how much I've craved for my own space and some peace and quiet.

The last couple of days have seen a resurgence of Diva-ness. He's prone to diva strops anyway, but I knew when he started designing his own handbags that things weren't looking good. I'm being perfectly serious about the handbags too - we even sewed one up, after he cut out the pieces without help from me, from bits of scrap fleece he found in my rag bag. It was pretty good too! Although possibly not a great indicator of future neediness. Bugger.

This morning we were strops-a-go-go. He'd had fun yesterday with Jonny and was up in the night looking forward to them playing again today. By 7am he was stropping because he wanted to play Mario online and we couldn't get connected. Then he was crying because he was worried he'd be badly behaved at school and grounded from doing the things he likes doing. Then I told him off because he shouted at me that he "didn't care" whilst crossing his arms and flouncing like Louie Spence.And so it went on.

Eventually it all ended with a ginormous meltdown, and a good half hour of sobbing and cuddles, and me with a very wet T shirt. Bless him. He's happy at school, but he finds change difficult. I think post Christmas is quite hard for small children too - after the mad excitement of December, and the complete indulgence of Christmas we somehow expect them to know that it won't last forever and they're to go back to the way they were in October. It's tough.

I eventually persuaded him to go to school with a scrap of fake fur in his pocket that he could feel whenever he wanted a hug. I even rubbed it around my neck so that it smelled of my perfume. He seemed extremely happy and went to school without too much problem after that, except for the odd wobbly deep breath and red eyes.

It's madness that I'm sitting here feeling bereft without him, isn't it? Why is motherhood so emotionally demanding? His teacher was kind and understanding and made light of the situation (Charlie showed her his fur piece and she made it into a beard, which he thought was hilarious) and he was happy when I left. But somehow I'm worried that the teacher was not sympathetic enough and that she thinks I overindulge Charlie or, worst still, that I am barking mad. Maybe I am.

I took the photo above when he wouldn't stop crying to show him how sad his face was and how sad that was making me. It bloody well worked too - he stopped! Astounded. I made him smile, despite his best resolution not to, by saying "bum." It's nice to see that some of the simple rules of boyhood don't change. Now it's time for me to pack my ovaries away, pull myself together and get on with the day without missing him too much. Little sod.

Jumping Back In

Day 1 : Frog or Finish* Organise, Create

 

Well hello, Blogland. It's been a while, hasn't it?! I've missed you.

It's been a strange year 2010, pretty difficult but also pretty positive. I started off suicidally depressed and ended up, well, almost normal. I've made a lot of things along the way, and I've learned a lot about myself. I spent quite a lot of it in therapy, I got used to the discipline of using my Lady Shed / studio every day. From nowhere I've built up a lovely little business almost without knowing how it happened; I've just been doing what I love and what feels right. I've swapped the diagnosis of depression for that of ME / CFS (and I actually think they both were accurate) and I'm learning how to manage the CFS and am having more and more good days. I would say that I'm almost back to normal, health wise, except for the medication and crutches. However, I suspect I have invoked the Law of Sod as today I feel crappy. You've gotta laugh.

I feel the need to explain my absence from the blog in recent weeks. When I first crashed and burned I needed to understand what was happening to me - and the best way I could do this was by blogging. I didn't want to talk to others, you know - the real life people, and so it was great to analyse my feelings on here. Gradually more and more folks started to follow the blog and I got performance anxiety - I needed the blogland version of Viagra. When you hear that others are struggling too it feels wrong to just talk about the positives, and a bit... erm... depressing to carry on just about the negatives. So I wasn't quite sure what to write about.

Also - and I'm not sure if this is common with those recovering from depression - I suddenly felt the need to be very private. Much more private than I have ever been before. Like a fresh, naked plant shoots from the earth I wanted to protect myself and I wanted to be alone. This has been tricky for my extended family because I've not wanted to be with them either. Just me, my husband and my boys. And my fabulous online friends who have only ever accepted me for being me and have never questioned my absences or the times when I went over the top.

Anyway, right now 2011 feels a bit scary. I'm guessing it's the first time that I have properly planned forwards. Christmas was lovely in bits, and tense at times. I'm looking forward to time alone to look at my goals.

I'm not setting new year's resolutions because I am still doing the 101 in 1001 project. I'll review that here soon. However, I have chosen three themes to work on every day - I want to be:

Creative, Organised and Kind <3

Each day I will endeavour to do one of the three and take a photo.

Creativity is important to me because I feel the urge, deep down in my soul, to make things. I also hope to do a textiles degree in 2012 (I need to save up first!) This year will be about experimentation and preparation for the bigger goal of my degree. Also, the creativity works it's magic and makes me feel happier, more relaxed and healthier. Therefore, it's currently a priority in my life.

being Organised is key to me achieving my goals. I'm not the most organised woman in the world. Hell, I'm actually spectacularly DISORGANISED.  I find personal organisation really challenging. However, in order to reach my goals I know I have to get my head around it. This includes practical things - like organising my deadlines, my studio space and paying off our credit card so that I have more choices.

Kindness is very important to me too. I'd like to think I do a reasonable job at being kind to my family and friends, but I want to increase what I do. Also, hand on heart, I'm not always very kind to myself. So this resolution involves eating more healthily, exercising, getting my hair cut and looking after myself. It also involves giving of my time and resources to charity (note - not just giving money, but my time to being a governor at our local school, as well as donating things I've made and items to charity shops). Lastly, I want to be involved with random acts of kindness. Blessed is the hand that giveth.

So, this leaves 2011 with the fantastically abbreviated COK Project!

* Day 1, as you can see from the picture at the start, was a Frog or Finish day. Frogging is a knitting term - when you rip it, rip it, rip it back. I have lots of projects that remain unfinished (I like to do several things at once) so this is their ultimate fate. Either I finish them, or they get turned back to yarn and the needles freed. I finished this crocheted cushion - RIP the summer shrug. C'est La Vie.

 

Day 2 : Working on Charlie's Quilt, Create

Its been a year in the making so far, and it needs to double in size - and that's just the top. I will finish it in time for the arrival of his new bed sometime this year. This is an ongoing project.

 

Day 3 : Making Recycled Christmas Tags, Create, Kind (recycling)

 

Charlie and I cut up the old Christmas cards before recycling the backs, and made gift tags for Christmas 2011. I was rather proud of how they turned out, and remembered doing exactly the same thing with my Mum in the 1970s. Funny how these simple, cylical things can feel so good.

 

Day 4 : Tidy The Corner, Organise

 

You would not believe what a mess this corner of my studio had become with the rush of Christmas orders. This is where I store my yarn, buttons, ribbon and findings.  Thankfully it's now restored to quiet calm where my creative juices can take hold.

Booo!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm not feeling very inspired by Halloween this year, so my lovely ball of fluff, Bob, will have to suffice. He's just a bit Halloweeny, isn't he? Halloweeny cute, maybe. Christmas, however, I am looking forward to. In fact I've bought all our presents, except three, and I even intend to wrap them next week. But Halloween and Bonfire Night? I've lost my mojo this year.

It's a glorious autumn day here - that lovely golden, pinky light - and the trees are a stunning range of yellows and oranges and reds. I really should get out there with the camera, but I can't motivate myself. The only good thing about Halloween, as far as I am concerned, is the carte blanche chocolate eating. That I shall enjoy, yum yum.

It's a busy time here at Bee towers. Dom has just got the honey in for the winter and the bees are settling down in their hives. They form a ball shape that constantly moves, so the ones on the outside move inwards where it's warm, and they each take a turn on being on the outside where it's cold. Amazing, isn't it?

I'm preparing for Christmas sales by getting a whole new load of stuff into the shop. I'm terrified it's not going to sell. There's no real reason for my anxiety, but it does worry me enormously. I think that's one of the downsides of working alone - you know you have to keep on developing, and keep on making things, but you don't have that reassurance that what you are making is actually wanted by real people. I'm not a natural business woman. I wish I could have a bit more confidence in myself. I was very humbled and reassured to see that a fellow craftswoman and Facebook friend was having a similar crisis of confidence this week, awful as that sounds. At least I'm not alone!

Anyway, I'm off to perk myself up with coffee and brave thoughts. I shall leave you with my Fireworks scarf, as it's rather festive.

Cheerio!

Claire x

Darker Nights, Lighter Me.

Well hello there guys and dolls. I hope you are all doing well, and are not minding the shorter days too much? I love them, actually. I always think I love  spring best and, much as I do love it, there is something so romantic about the changing colours of autumn, and the mists and dew and fruit. It's a throwback to school times, I think, but September to me really feels like the month of new resolutions and routines and commitments to be better. Usually, at this time of year the commitments are personal; to cook from scratch more, to keep the house tidier. I rarely manage the latter, but to hell with it. I keep trying, and that's what matters.

It's been a BRILLIANT month or so. I have felt so, so much better. The depression is starting to lift - HOOORAH! I have been willing it to lift for months, convincing myself that it was going and that it's departure could be measured. However, like you embrace the extra minutes of daylight in January and February, it seemed too long in coming and I feared I would never be right again. However, somehow over the summer, my eyes turned away from the depression. And now, like early March, I can definitely see that there's less darkness. It's not summer yet, but it's not winter either. And boy, am I happy to tell you that.

One (rather large) downside to my health issues is that I have recently been properly diagnosed with ME/CFS. However, I'm feeling upbeat about it. I do use crutches and I do have pain but, on the whole, it feels so much more liveable with than the depression and, dear Lord, am I grateful for that. I am still at the stage where I am learning what I can and can't do, and some days I can do precious little. However, that's cool. At the moment I can sit on the sofa and knit, which pleases my soul.

I'm knitting furiously for my autumn / winter season on Folksy. Part of me is chuckling because I really have missed the boat. However, if I can get my lines up my the end of the first week in November I will be pleased. Next year, I will start seasonal knitting MUCH earlier!

I have to stop now - we're having toad in the hole for dinner and it needs my attention. The darkness is drawing in and Dom will just have set off from work. Charlie is watching Ben 10 on television and Jonathan has just come in from playing football, all muddy and smelling of earthy grass and is heading up for a shower. I can't tell you how much I love my little family. It's just a deep feeling of happiness and satisfaction, warm and fuzzy like cocoa on a cold day. I am very lucky to live my life. It has its ups and downs, and its challenges, but I have such special people around me and for that, I am blessed.

Love to you all

Claire x

PS the picture is of my baby knotty hat, knitted for a friend and photographer. You can find it here.

Taa Daa: Superted

In 1978, I used to love listening to my Mum and Dad's Abba tape with the shiny gold curtains shut and the standard lamp on. I used to convince myself that this was what discos were like. I had heard the word, and had some vague idea of what it meant, but no reality to base it on. Then again, I knew my parents had met at "a dance" and innocently imagined their mums and dads to be sat around the edges of the room, watching their children fall in love. The reality of nightclubs was disappointingly less romantic.

It's ironic that, some thirty two years later and at the same age that I was, Charlie now loves nothing more than putting the Mamma Mia DVD on and rocking round the room to the very same songs, in front of our vastly different looking television. Who says technology is important? We share a connection, through the generations, thanks to Benny and Bjorn. Charlie and I get to rock out together, and I get to ogle Piers Brosnan. Wonderful. Although I do occasionally worry who my mother ogled. Curly Fred, from Playschool?

Over this summer I have been keeping myself busy with an original commission from a brilliant client. Her friends had recently had a baby called Ted. She wanted him to have a gift that was truly original and had that retro charm for his Mum and Dad. And so, I spent my time knitting.... Superted!

You can see him, above, as a normal old bear. However, rip off his skin and he becomes a superhero! Two toys in one!

 

Taa-daa! Superted!

It's been brilliant making him. He's largely been created in front of CSI, as it's completely brilliant and I am obsessed, but also at the beach, the park, on the sofa, at the ball pool and all the other places we've visited this summer.

She also commissioned a Superted jumper!

 

I'm not very experienced at intarsia, so this was a real challenge for me. However, it's been fantastic! It was in no way as difficult as I thought it would be; experience does count for something - phew! It was made with gorgeous, handspun cashmere and merino yarn from Scotland. Utterly, utterly gorgeous.

The moral of this post is to challenge yourself. My mum always told me that she couldn't do colour work and I believed that, by extention, I couldn't do it either. My aunty used to make brilliant intarsia pieces and I loved them. I thought it was a special kind of witchcraft and one I could never aspire to. I am beyond chuffed that I have made an instarsia jumper. I am a KNITTER!

With love

Claire x

Hello old friends!

Wow, it really has been some time, hasn't it? Well all is well here, I hope it is with you too. The boys have all gone back to school today, so I'm not sure whether to be delighted and enjoying the peace and quiet, or a little doleful. Maybe a bit of both.

As for me, well I'm not the best. I've recently got the diagnosis of ME / CFS / CFIDS. I'm not surprised at all, I've been concerned it was this for quite some time. My main symptom is terrible pain, in both my joints and muscles. I need crutches to walk long distances. I also get very, very tired and struggle sometimes with even very simple activities. I sometimes have other symptoms like brain fog (this morning I couldn't remember how to do up my bra, or how to knit a knit stitch - thankfully that passed!), I have sore throat, headaches and bad moods. The moods are usually associated with the pain though.

The depression has lifted a bit over recent months. The anxiety still knocks about though and some days are worse than others. However, I'm taking a postive mental attitude to all this health crap - I'm exercising gently every day, I'm trying to challenge myself, and I'm trying to pace my activities. I find this the hardest of all! A year or two ago I would have loved someone to tell me I *had* to rest during the day, but guess what?! Doing nothing is harder than you'd think!

I'll be honest, I kind of got myself in a catch 22 about blogging. I didn't want it to be an online whinge. That's not good for you, nor is it very positive for me to do. However, sometimes I don't want to look on the bright side of life either. I just drifted away from blogging because, I suppose, I've been grieving a bit. I also started to get a bit resentful at all those "perfect" domestic bliss type blogs that I previously loved. I guess I was grieving for my old life, for simple happiness, for the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want.

I am learning, though, that I have a different kind of freedom. I can learn things - I'm quite good at that. When my brain is too dulled for reading, I can knit (the physical action requires little concentration and appears to reside in a different part of my brain to the reading bit). I have a family that I adore, and looking after them gives me great pleasure. They also drive me mad! So I'm back with the complicated knot of feelings that exists in my head.

Craft wise, I've not stopped! I'm getting quite a few paid jobs now, which is absolutely brilliant. Do you see my monkey hat above? Doesn't Charlie look gorgeous? That was for a photographer in Leicester. I couldn't get the pattern right and it took about four goes before I was happy that the final result was an appropriate size.

We've had a crafty summer holiday. The boys have been a bit frustrated that I haven't been able to be as active as normal - we've had very few days out swimming, or out wondering around the coast. My legs haven't been up to it. Instead I've spent the time with Charlie teaching him how to sew, and we've face painted, made slime, drawn hundreds of pictures, painted, baked, chalked on the patio, cut out, made collages etc etc. It's been fun. And look at this - I am so proud of my naked sewing five year old!

 



That's all his own work, that is! He has a natural talent! I have high hopes for him!

I'll end this post with my favourite picture of the summer, Jess nestled comfortably on my bonkers blanket. I never did get round to taking a photo of it because I didn't completely finish it! Maybe I'll get back onto that, when I don't have a list of projects in my head...

Sweet dreams!

Claire x

Hello from The Park

Today I am blogging from our local park. It's peaceful here on a Sunday, there's no one around and it's in open countryside. Our cat, Bramble, has come with us, which always causes great excitement. On occasions she even follows Charlie to school (usually when she wants her breakfast)

I haven't posted for a while. The depression got me again. I'd been so much better that it really was very worrying to feel so down again. However, distressing as it was, the black cloud seems to have blown over again. I've no suggestions - like always it seems to be just a case of marking time until it goes. Thankfully, I can be more sure that the black cloud passes over. On the upside, Susannah (my therapist) thinks I am ready for a break from counselling. This is scary but exciting. Am I better? Is this it? Will it just be a case of making the best of it?! I'm beggining to think so, with a heavy heart. I've given up the idea of a medical cure, and wellness being restored in a relatively short space of time.

Therapy had been hard work, emotionally draining but worth it. The anti depressants - I'm not sure they've had much effect, to be honest. I'm scared to stop taking them in case they have. So here it is, brave new world. Blinking and naked and in pain, like a newborn in the light. But I'm almost through it. I have an amazing husband and brilliant children. I have friends and family who love me, a nice home and the ability to keep myself happy with knitting, sewing, creating, baking, gardening, cooking and taking care of the menagery. It would be so much sweeter if I could win the lottery - maybe karma owes me?! But I can't grumble, really. It's just going to be a much longer haul than I originally intended.

With love, Claire xx