Life and Death

It has been an absolute age since I posted here. I'd just like to say thank you to those of you who have checked back from time to time, and I'm sorry there hasn't been an update. I've been in a bit of a funny place. A private place. A place that needed a bit of time and reflection.

I started this blog nearly 3 years ago. At that time, a perfectly nice and happy life had gone tits up, and chucked me into the depths of depression and despair. I can say this honestly now, but I honestly did not think I would get better. I thought I would die. As melodramatic as that sounds, every last cell in my body thought my days were up. How could it be possible to feel so much pain and get better? I'd given up.

Looking back, I can hardly tell you how the recovery process happened. I can tell you that it took a long, long time; far longer than I had hoped. I am sure that the love of my family and friends has been instrumental in getting me back on track, as has the kind and patient help of crafting. Night and day, pain or joy, the crafting has been there to sooth worried fingers and to unbend a twisted mind. Without craft I don't know where I would be. The same goes for my family and friends, obviously.

Anyway, not only did I not die. Look!

I have been filled with new life! As I write now, I am 19 weeks pregnant with my third child. A gift that amazes and overwhelms me and makes some kind of sense of the last few years. A much wanted, longed for child who will bring new love into our family.

I feel very blessed.

I have also felt frightened, overwhelmed, thrilled, under prepared, anxious, excited, scared, amazed, shocked, worried, delighted - just about every emotion under the sun.

We don't yet know if the baby will be a third son or a first daughter. Our 20 week scan is on the 24th February (12 days and counting!) and we hope to find out then. I am just starting to feel the wiggles and kicks, although my belly feels massive already!

Doesn't life take a funny path? Twists and turns and ups and downs that we can't possibly understand at the time. If you're reading this in the depths of depression: have hope. I know that hope doesn't come easily and, if it's too much, just have an open mind. Life is rarely as bad as we think it will be in our darkest moments.

I guess this blog will become, in part, a parenting blog from now on. I still feel the need to record my feelings and thoughts, now more than ever. I still hope to craft and will keep you updated on what I'm working on, and our family life. I'm just letting you know because I know that, for some of you, that will change your views on how often you visit me here at Knitted Back Together. If pregnancy and babyhood is a difficult subject for you, then I understand and I send you my best wishes. I hope you understand that its something too big for me not to talk about.

Most recently, I've been working hard on the first module of my OCA Textiles Course. You can see what I've been doing here. It's not my usual blog style as it forms part of the formal assessment of the course, but I hope you'll enjoy looking at the pictures!

Much love - and as a very wise friend of mine said, when it all gets too much, keep breathing. Who knows where life will take us next?

Claire x

Taa-Daa: A Fabric Book for a Special Little Boy

If you've been following my blog for a little while, you know that recently one of my friends, Lee-ann, lost her two year old son. It was terribly shocking news and, unsurprisingly, it has knocked everyone sideways, even those who did not know the family terribly well. There's just something so frighteningly unnatural in losing your child that way. It was an unexpected death, he hadn't been ill, and his family still don't have any real answers to the cause of his death.

When a child dies like this, it makes everything else fall into perspective. It has made me realise just how utterly fundamentally life-affirmingly important my own children are to me, even when they are being little sods (which happens quite a lot ;o). I have never made any secret of finding motherhood extremely demanding - but maybe I do whinge too much. Really, I have the most important things in life right here before me, don't I? Says I, currently irritated so much that my teeth itch, by silly questions, mardy teenagers, too-loud television, homework not done, meals and snacks that are constantly whined for, siblings fighting, constant attention seeking behaviour etc etc etc. But even so, these are the days that I will look back on when I am old and grey and, as much as I moan, I cannot imagine for a single moment how awful it would be if one of them were taken away. 

After any death, I think it's natural to feel completely impotent. If I could have done anything, no matter how big, to change William's death or take away his family's pain then I would have done it. As it stands, there's very little one can do, is there? Other than contemplate life, and feel one's own pain and imagine the horror that the immediate family are feeling.

Right from the start, Sophia, William's big sister, said that the family should have a party to remember William. And so Lee-ann and Mark began planning a celebration of William's life, rather than a funeral. In a very touching tribute they requested that all adults and children that could not attend the funeral jump on their beds at 2pm. A lot of people joined in, and a lot of fun was had in William's name.

Lee-ann mentioned to me that she wanted a Guest Book in which funeral guests recalled their memories of William. Immediately I saw a way in which I could help in some small way, so I offered to make one. Amongst William's favourite things were: the colour orange; 2 pence pieces, especially when whizzed down those swirly charity boxes; daisies; jumping in puddles; bubbles and dandelion clocks. I wanted to include as many of these items as I could.

Here is my tribute to sweet William:

 

 

It was emotionally tough to make, but not nearly as emotionally tough as it was for it's recipients, I'm sure. It was important to me to make it well and to get it right too. I nearly had a complete meltdown when my husband, without really looking, said that the back cover looked like a happy boy on a cloud! Yikes, how inappropriate would that be?! Thankfully, after looking carefully he agreed it did not, and friends back this up and so it was sent off (with me having palpitations until it was received and approved of!)

Technically, I really enjoyed the mix of sewing, applique and both hand and machine embroidery. I was very unsure how to tackle the bubbles, but machine sewing circles onto bits of voile worked really well as it made them stand proud, as well as being transparent. If I could go back and change anything, I would make the fabric onto which I embroidered the dandelion clocks less patterned as I think it's hard to see them. Also, I made the picture on the back a little too wide, so a sliver of the umbrella slides off the edge. This was me getting carried away with making the picture on a deliberately cut-too-big piece of fabric; I wasn't careful enough at measuring the size of the finished book.

Anyway, you live and learn, and this was one of those projects that meant a lot to me. On reflection, I am pleased with what I created and I learned some important lessons that will help me to progress further with future projects. 

I'm also incredibly grateful to Lee-ann for letting me share something so private. Sleep tight, William. My memory of you will always be how much you made your Mummy smile x