Recovery. Again.

When I started this blog, 7 years ago (I think?) I was in the acute stages of a nervous breakdown and I wanted to find a way to process not only what was happening to me, but also my feelings about what was happening to me. A lot has happened since then. Depression. ME/CFS. Recovery. Another baby. Losing 100lb. Going back to work. Dual redundancy. Running a marathon. My husband's breakdown. Kidney failure. Starting our own business. Our eldest son going to university and leaving home. A total hysterectomy.

The more things change...

So I find myself, again, at the bottom of a mountain wondering how the hell I'm going to scale it again. Like 7 years ago, I am despairing a bit at what lies ahead.

Last year was a dreadful year in lots of ways for me, not least because I felt my health slipping away from me with every month that passed. When I stopped running, last August, I was marathon training and up to 18 miles. It took me several days in bed to recover from the exertion - and that was before the kidney failure. 

One of the hardest things is that, when I was actively recovering, in 2013, I felt totally in control of my life and my body; I felt empowered. I felt that it was simply a case of me taking charge of myself. That was a good, if scary, feeling, because I could influence my life for the better. Hell, I could influence *the world* for the better. What I had to swallow last year was that, despite a Herculean effort on my part, everything was slipping away from me. Physical success is about more than sheer effort.

That, my friends, has been the hardest thing to swallow.

What has followed is months of "can't be arsed." Whilst my brain is telling my body to eat healthily, to go out and take a walk, or have a little run, a part of me thinks 'what is the point?' I can't control everything. I might fail. Does it really matter if I can run or not, or what my dress size is?

I've "can't be assed" with exercise, and food - especially whilst stuffing myself with chocolate and all sorts of culinary delights (read: junk food). Has it made me happy? No. Did running make me happy? Yes. Is it as easy as getting out there and running again? No. No. No. It hurts, and what's the point? I'm climbed that damned mountain before. And yes, the view from the top was amazing, but can I really be bothered to expend all that energy all over again? I won't be able to stay at the top forever. So am I doomed to this journey over and over and over?

Am I happy being a half ass? No. I am tired, I am jaded, I am frustrated. I feel claustrophobic. 

Do I want to live the rest of my life as a half ass?

No.

No.

No.

So I flagellate wildly between a rock and a hard place. It's 16 weeks since my operation. 8 weeks since I stopped wearing a catheter. I'm still self-catheterising up to 8 times a day. My body is 3 stones fatter, and frankly, a foreign fucking land.

What do I do?

I'm going to have to haul my fat, lazy ass up that mountain again, but its about as attractive an idea as taking a pee on an electric fence.

How do I find the energy for this fight when I barely have the energy to get through the day?

How do I find the energy for this fight when I barely have the energy to get through the day?

How do I find the energy for this fight when I barely have the energy to get through the day?

Answers on a postcard.

Claire's Ultimate Guide To Hysterectomy Survival

So, I am now 10 days post hysterectomy and I thought I would share some of the knowledge that I have picked up over the past year to other women who are going though the same thing.

When I was planning this blog post I thought about how I might explain what it feels like to have endometriosis and/or adenomyosis (I had both.) When I realised that the pain is so bad that you choose to have chemotherapy to make yourself feel better, I realised that it needed no further explanation.

2015 saw me have 9 shots of Prostap (Lupron), a GnRH analogue, which is a horrible injection used to treat prostate and breast cancer.  I won't lie, it was hideous. The pain from endo is excruciating (mine was like advanced labour, and I did pass out on occasion.) Also, towards the end, I was bleeding heavily every day of the month without a break. Prostap DID stop all that, which is obviously good (and why I continued to take it). However, I just felt ill the whole time - I was moody, stressed, I had migraines, I had chronic pain - it was pretty bad. In addition, I needed a whole raft of medication to combat the side effects caused by the Prostap and they, themselves, came with side effects. I felt bloated and slow, I put on weight, my running - and life in general - slowed down massively. I am SO thankful that that stage of my life is now behind me.

Waiting for the hysterectomy was pretty hard. I felt strange wanting surgery, but I just wanted an end to both the original symptoms and those caused by the cure to the symptoms - and, indeed, those caused by the cure to the cure. I was officially put on the waiting list on July 7th 2015 (somewhat ironically 18 years exactly since I went into labour with my eldest chid) and I had my hysterectomy on November 25th 2015 - which was 20 weeks and 1 day later.

I had a Laparoscopically Assisted Vaginal Hysterectomy (LAVH) and bi-salpingo-oophorectomy (try saying that when you've had a drink!) which essentially means that I had my uterus, cervix, both fallopian tubes and both ovaries removed. They went in through my belly button, and put two probes in through the side of my abdomen, snipped the ligaments and pulled everything out vaginally.

I am now in full menopause and need HRT for at least the next 10 years and possibly more.

If you are facing something similar, this is my advice:

1) Do the emotional work 
You are facing major, life changing surgery. Make sure you give yourself time to start the emotional work and make the mental adjustments you'll need to make. Obviously, once you have a hysterectomy you will no longer be able to have children. This wasn't a huge deal for me as I was lucky enough to know that my family was complete, but this isn't the case for all women. If you want more children, or even if you aren't sure either way, take special care of yourself and allow yourself the time you need to grieve. For it is a grief process, of sorts.

Even though I didn't want any more children, I had to come to terms with the fact that this was a major change of life stage for me. I had always imagined my future in terms of being a young, sexually active woman with a family. I hadn't really ever thought about what I might expect of my life after that stage. In not giving it any thought, I had kind of lined old age up after the baby stage, but in the blink of an eye I am suddenly here, at this stage of life, and I needed to think through what it means for me. I hope to continue to feel young and have a sex life. I hope to be fit and active for decades yet. However, one's self esteem can be very easily bound up in ideas of femininity and sexuality - especially in today's society - and the work of thinking through where you will fit in after your hysterectomy does take time. For me, reading, sitting with my feelings and talking it through with friends and my husband was enough to help me process everything. However, it might take a few sessions with a counsellor, so bear that in mind. Avoid this stage at your peril. You need to go into your hysterectomy with your emotional baggage as sorted as possible. I crocheted a blanket and found that I used a lot of this time to reflect upon what was to come.

2) Get Knowledgeable
I struggled to find many decent books on the topic of hysterectomy. Most of those I did find had an emphasis on homeopathy and alternative therapies that just aren't part of my world view. You may feel differently from me and, if you do, there are lots of resources like this available - Google away.

I read '101 Hints for a Happy Hysterectomy' which was OK. It wasn't rocket science, but it did provide some food for thought.

I liked the website "Hyster Sisters" (www.hystersisters.com) which had a huge resource of short articles which were very useful, especially when you have a particular question. However it is a US website and often the medical "what to expect from the system" information is very different from what we can expect in the UK. The forums really are excellent. I didn't post very much, but I read voraciously.

I joined several Facebook Groups and these really were where I learned most of what I knew. One note of caution: that vast majority of women in these groups are patients rather than medical professionals, so retain your critical eye. Make sure you check anything you're not sure about with your doctor or nurse. However, in terms of peer support, the Facebook groups are unrivalled. I used: Adenomyosis Support, Hysterectomy Sisterectomy, Early Menopause Support UK (I am 41, the average age of menopause in the UK is 52), Hysterectomy Support - A Caring Sisterhood, Adenomyosis and Hysterectomy Sisters UK.

Write down any questions you have and take them to your appointments with your gynaecologist.

3) Get Prepared

This is the part I jumped right into and, in retrospect, it was the least important of them all. However, there are lots of ways you can make your life easier after the op, so why not take advantage?

I compiled a ***huge*** list of all the hints and tips I could find, then picked out which made most sense to me and my life at the time. I will share this list with you and urge you to be equally critical. Please don't feel as though you need to do everything on the list, I think that would not only be unnecessary but it would drive you mad.

Have a short and long stay hospital list. Pack an overnight bag and then put the rest of your supplies in a box or bag at home. I only stayed for 2 nights and didn't need a lot of the stuff I thought I would. If it's all together in one place at home, it's easier for someone to bring it in for you.

Things to pack for the hospital and the week afterwards -

- 3 x nighties
(I didn't want anything with a waist band in case I had unexpected abdominal surgery. I was glad I did this - and felt most sensitive about 5 - 7 days post op. I went for long nighties for maximum coverage around strangers and their visitors, having visited my Mum in hospital a few months prior and seeing more of one middle aged lady than you should ever see...)

- Lightweight dressing gown
Hospital are hotter than the hinges of hell. I took satin, which was awful as it was sweaty. Cotton would be better. You will wear your dressing gown a lot, so choose carefully.

- Slippers

- Towel x 2 
One for hair, one for body. I took a shower on day 2 but was very glad of a strip wash next to my bed on day 1. Have more on standby at home that a visitor can bring in, as there's nothing so lovely as a clean towel if you've gone to the effort to have a shower when you're unwell.

- Front closing bras
reaching around might be difficult if you have abdominal surgery. I went for non-wired which I actually found more uncomfortable (I normally wear underwired bras) as they soaked up sweat and kept my skin damp. Know what you like and are used to.

- Big Knickers 
1 to 2 sizes bigger is a must. I bought big old apple catchers, but I didn't wear them much as I don't usually wear that style of pants. Again, this is the same advice as above - know what you usually find most comfortable and go with that. Don't blindly follow what other people - including me - say. Whilst we're on this topic, I felt kind of winded for a few days - the way I felt after pregnancy when my bump had gone. I have heard people suggest support pants (or Spandex) but this was anathema to me.

- Bed socks
I don't get cold feet often so didn't take any in, but they were in my "at home" pack. You know yourself best.

- Crocs or flip flops
for wearing in the shower. Other people's feet?! Bleurgh.

- Sanitary Towels
This was the item people on the ward tended to forget. You do bleed, but it's more like the blood you get when you have skinned your knee than a period. Decide for yourself whether you'd prefer tiny towels, or big ole' mattresses - I went for the soft, fluffy, cotton wool sort as I'd been advised when I had my babies that the Always gel sort can dry out stitches and your foof area in general. I did not regret my decision. DO NOT take tampons, everything will be much too sore.

- Wash Bag
Buy those miniature bottles that you get to go on holiday as you won't be able to lift lots of big bottles. I put too many into my wash bag (it was too heavy), so my advice would be to double up on products - just use shampoo for a couple of days, not shampoo and conditioner, and use shampoo to wash your body, for example. Or buy products you can use at your bed side - leave in conditioner, face cream and hand cream not kept in your wash bag, etc. I actually made a wash bag with a shoulder strap, and that was helpful.

Things you might like to put in your wash bag -
(if you need them all, consider having a smaller bag to take to the bathroom and move products from the big bag to the small when you need them):

shampoo / conditioner / body wash / deodorant / face cream / hair brush / make up / hand cream / lip salve / hair bobbles / dry shampoo / waterless body wash and shampoo (I bought this on a recommendation and hated it, it has an awful really strong fruity smell. But, in principal, the idea is good). Anti bac gel, toothbrush (some people say an electric one is easier on tummy muscles, but I managed fine with a manual), toothpaste

I used the website www.gotiny.co.uk to buy miniature toiletries, but they also sell them for a good price in Wilkos.

- IPad / Phone / Chargers (preload with films and audiobooks) Audiobooks / podcasts were a godsend. I couldn't concentrate on a book and, TBH, I often drifted off with an audiobook on, so make sure it's something easy to follow. Please be aware that my hospital had no wifi, which rendered my iPad useless, and you weren't allowed to charge devices either. It made me realise how much comfort my phone brought me, by being in touch with my loved ones. If my items were PAT tested I would have been able to use them, so if you have access to PAT testing through work, it's something worth doing.

You also need non-electronic ways of entertaining yourself.

- Headphones
My Runphones were perfect.

- Eye Mask / Ear Plugs
I can't recommend these highly enough. Helpful to help you sleep, escape from other people and I used mine when there was a distressing emergency on the ward. I couldn't help and I'd just be putting extra strain on the doctors and nurses if I got upset, so I took myself out of it.

- Adult Colouring book and pens - I did loads of this, it was the perfect activity.

- Hard sweets - for post anaesthetic, dry mouth. I took in Polos to double up the wind-reducing mint effect.

- Squash - if you don't always like water, squash is helpful. I didn't use mine much in hospital, but I did at home. Peppermint Cordial is ideal for hospital as it helps bring up wind (which caused as much pain as the actual surgery.) Mine was prescribed for twice a day. I was horrified, and brought my own in as I needed more. I was led to believe hospitals were very proactive when dealing with wind, but mine were not.

- Flexible Straws - to sip when you're not sitting up straight. Invaluable.

- Small Fan - I had my op in November and it was so stiflingly hot I felt awful. A hand held fan was a lovely luxury.

- V Shaped pillow - I cannot tell you what a treat it was to have pillow that smelled like home. I was surprised by how emotionally vulnerable I felt afterwards and this really helped.

- Baby wipes - Lovely for a cool down and an instant refresh. I didn't actually take these in and I regretted it.

- Large Zip Lock Bags - These are great for putting dirty laundry in. I'm always a bit suspicious about cleanliness in hospitals (although actually, Hull Royal was immaculate) so it was nice to keep dirty clothes very separate from clean ones. The zip lock really helped with this. I appreciate I may be a little OTT about this...

- Tissues

- Any medication you need, in their original boxes (ask about this at your pre-op if you have any questions)

- Snacks - cereal bars, plain biscuits, grapes. I took these in because I was concerned about taking pain killers on an empty stomach. I ate very little when in hospital (which is not like me at all) but there were times when nibbling on a plain biscuit was helpful. I expected to feel like I did after giving birth, but breastfeeding obviously plays havoc with your metabolism because I did not feel hungry at all - I was always starving when I was breastfeeding.

- Thermos Mug - I did without this luxury and didn't miss it. I didn't really fancy tea or coffee much, either.

- Chewing Gum - apparently it helps with wind pain. I tried it, but was unconvinced.


For home afterwards:

- Maxi dresses these were *invaluable* because I had a few days where I could not bear waist bands and my tummy was very swollen. I used summer dresses and layered them up for warmth.

- Lounge pants, 2 sizes bigger - Luxury. You can see me smiling from here, can't you? Now is not the time for style. Embrace the comfortable.

- Peppermint tea (helps gets rid of wind - they expand your abdomen with gas to do the op.) I think herbal tea tastes like pond water and my tastes didn't change post op, so I didn't use mine.

- Stool Softeners I got myself in a bit of a panic about stool softeners as everyone goes on about them SO MUCH. My first post-op poo was a bit scary, but I breathed deeply and went with the flow (as it were), secure in the knowledge that my body knew what it was doing - and it did. Pooing was nowhere near as painful as I thought it would be. My first poo was on day 2 - earlier than I expected. Don't be afraid to ask for Movicol or Lactulose on the ward if you feel you need it. Most people were given it to go home with.

And guess what I found? The most effective remedy was to make sure I got my 5 a day and drank lots of water. That worked way better than the stool softeners. In fact, that would be my top post-op tip - get your 5 a day and drink lots of water. Not exactly rocket science. Bran Flakes and nuts also helped.

- Windeze - I'm not sure if they helped, or they made me feel better because I was doing as much as I could to reduce wind, but it was worth it. They didn't do any harm.

- Laxatives - I didn't need them, but it was nice to have them in the house in case I did. Glycerin suppositories are good because they are effective but inert.

- Small pillow to hold against your abdomen when coughing / sneezing / to guard against small children. I just used a sofa scatter cushion. It worked.

- Grabber - one of those devices to pick things up off the floor. I did not get one and I did not miss it. I was more than capable of picking things up off the floor after a day or two. It might be different if you had an abdominal hysterectomy though.

- Lightweight tray for lap - I didn't use one, but I did find it hard to have the laptop on my lap for a few days, and that surprised me.

- Bath Step - to get in and out of the shower. I didn't use one, but we have one shower that is walk-in rather than over the bath, so I was grateful to use that. I think I would have appreciated a bath step in the early days if I didn't have this option.

- Arrange bedside table before you go into hospital, so everything is at easy reach when you get home. I didn't spend any time in bed, other than at night, so this wouldn't have been helpful to me.

- Pedicure and manicure before op. Entirely pointless as you have to take off all nail polish before the op. Glad I didn't get it done.

- Hair cut before op - I didn't do this and I would have been more comfortable if I had.

- Bulk cook and fill freezer - my husband is more than willing and able to cook for the family. However, if you don't have this option then bulk cooking is a great idea. Also make sure you have takeaway leaflets in, and don't beat yourself up if you use them. As long as everyone in the family, especially small children, are fed then it doesn't matter where the food comes from for a few days. My only caveat would be to be mindful that processed food doesn't contain a lot of fruit and veg and this may impact on how traumatic you find it to return to full bowel health.

- Spring clean / decorate / DIY done - WTF? Decorate and DIY? No. I didn't spring clean because I was working until 4.30am the two nights before I went into hospital to get my paid work done. It would have been nice to get the place tidier, but it was no big deal for me. Lots of women on the ward talked a lot about getting their ironing up to date, etc. If this is important to you, then getting it done beforehand will give you peace of mind.

- Travel kettle - I didn't bother and didn't need it.

- Teddy bear for small children to kiss when you're away - I didn't do this and the children didn't need it, but it's a nice idea.


Other things I read about, but are not my sort of thing. They may be yours though:

- Zinc supplements

- Calendula cream - scar healing



4) Adjust your expectations
Everyone told me that I would feel better from the moment I woke up. I went into hospital just before my op and both women on my ward said it was much easier than they imagined.

I actually found it harder than I expected, for the first couple of days at least. I had never had an operation before, or a general anaesthetic. I felt sick, suffocated and claustrophobic and my pain wasn't managed especially well because nobody took account of the vast amount of painkillers I was on before the op. However, this had the unexpected benefit of weaning my off the painkillers very quickly and, within a couple of days, I needed fewer pain killers than pre-op.

 I felt as though I had cabin favour for the first week or so. It is all getting better - and physically I am OK now, just quite tired. I guess my advice would be to expect the unexpected.

5) What worked best for me?

If I had to sum up the things that worked best for me, this is what I'd say:

- Use normal knickers and bra. Go with what you are used to. Now is not the time to make changes.

- Get up and about as soon as possible and as often as possible. Potter about. Have a little wander round every hour without fail; more if possible. I walked circuits of the ward and have done the same regularly since coming home. Within 5 days I was outside walking up to 1km at a time. It made me tired, but I felt SO MUCH better with a bit of fresh air.

- listen to your body - rest when it wants, and take care when lifting. I could do more than I imagined though.

- Don't be afraid to fart. Don't cringe! We're grown women, we can talk about trumping. The wind can be more painful than the surgery, so don't be polite post-op. The only way shyness is good is if it encourages you to walk to the bathroom to parp - walking is very good for you. If you worry about wind, sit on the toilet to trump. Your body goes into autopilot, and you really do need to get rid of that stuff. No-one else will tell you this stuff. You're welcome.

- Expect to cry. I asked the nurse if it was normal, then witnessed all the other women being surprised when they had a little weep. It's the anaesthetic / hormones.

- There were two worst bits for me - getting out of bed for the first time and having the vaginal pack removed. Once I was out of bed, standing up and walking around were much, much easier than getting up that first time. As for the vaginal pack - imagine the magician's hanky trick, and you kind of get the picture. There was a lot of it and it hurt like hell when it was coming out. But once it was out I felt so much better.

- I was sent home with Fragmin injections to self administer, to prevent DVT. They weren't hard to do, but be prepared for it. I also had to wear compression stockings whilst on the ward, but thankfully was able to take them off when I came home. I used running compression socks for a couple of days and they were much more comfy as one toe doesn't poke out (does this happen to anyone else with compression stockings?! It drives me mad.)

- Green smoothies, fresh soup cooked from frozen veg - make lots and enjoy. It will do your innards no end of good and is the easiest way to get your 5 a day.

- Water, water, water. Think how good your skin will be if you keep this up! Water fills you up, cleans you out and makes you walk to the bathroom. ALL GOOD.

- I was rather surprised to have insomnia for a few days post-op. It did pass without any intervention but don't be surprised if this happens. Again, it's something to do with the anaesthetic, apparently.

- Make sure you have enough pain relief at home. A tip one of the nurses gave me was to make up peppermint cordial with warm water and dissolve paracetamol in it. It was magical. I am now a total convert to soluble paracetamol.

- If you have small children, like I do, then you will need support with them. I got stuck on the way home from the ward. My husband went to fetch the car so I didn't have to walk too far, and my 3 year old daughter had one of those "if I don't go to the toilet now I'm going to do it on the floor" moments. I had no choice - I had to lift her onto the toilet. Not advisable then, and it's something I avoid now. Use every contact you can to get people to help you out by minding the children, even if it's only for an hour whilst you get some sleep. Pay for childcare. You will need it.


I think that is everything in this mammoth post. I hope you do well - I am 11 days post op and already I feel so much better than before in so many ways. I'm most excited about embracing the next stage of my life.

If you are post-op, please post your top tips in the comments below, so we can provide a resource for women earlier in their journey.

Love - and very best wishes

Claire x

Health Update

Hello dear reader, I hope you are well.

So, I had my hysterectomy four days ago, and I thought  I would update on my recent health issues.

The hysterectomy went really well. The op was straightforward, there was a lot of endometriosis, but it was old (shrunk by the Prostap) and had not ventured from my womb.  Hoorah! My bladder, which has been the cause of much mischief, was free of endo, which is excellent news. That means that it hasn't spread much at all; hopefully it has gone and will not self-perpetuate (endometriosis is womb lining tissue which escapes and buries itself into other muscles and organs and swells and bleeds each month, and can be found as far away from the womb as the lungs or back of the eye. It can self-replicate once it has escaped from the womb. This means a hysterectomy is not always an effective treatment. However, in my case, I seem to have escaped lightly.)

I was given a trial without catheter on the ward (TWOC) the day after my surgery. Last time I had one of these, about 8 weeks ago, I could  not ring out a single drop. I squeezed, pushed, shook, danced, stood up, walked around - nothing. This time, the good news was that I could pee each and every time I needed to. HOORAH! 

However, it became evident that I did not have the normal sensation that I needed to pee - I just felt crampy pain and a vague anxious / panicky feeling. I had my bladder scanned after voiding and it was discovered there was still 300ml retained in my bladder - so I evidently wasn't able to accurately feel if I had emptied properly either.

This could not go unchecked. Retaining urine puts pressure on the kidneys. Only one of my kidneys works, and the other functions at 70% (probably caused by chronic retention) so I need to be very careful with that remaining function. I do NOT want to end up on dialysis because that is a one way ticket to transplant - if you are lucky. I need to ensure that my bladder is properly drained at all times.

On this note, it was interesting to see I pass about twice as much pee as all the other ward inhabitants. This is not necessarily a good sign (it can mean that your kidneys are on their way out) but it might only mean that I am drinking more than other people. Hard to call. Interesting comparison you don't get elsewhere though.

I agreed to trial Clean Intermittent Self Catheterisation - which is a fancy way of saying you do a wee, then put a medically packaged McDonald's straw up your urethra four times a day. I tried, and was successful at first. However, it was really painful - unsurprisingly, as I'd had surgery the day before. Eventually the panicky feeling increased and the amount I passed decreased and I was left as dry as the Sahara. So that was a bit of a fail.

I was finally discharged with what I went in with: an indwelling urethral Foley catheter. It's not that bad though, it's an inconvenience more than anything. People live with much worse. I am quite used to it now and, handing control of my catheter over to the nurses after my surgery, I realised quite how skilful I had become in knowing without looking when it needs changing, how to position it for maximum comfort, etc. 

I don't know what the future holds. I will have an appointment with the Urologist at Castle Hill again in a few weeks once I have recovered physically from surgery. I am guessing they will want to do another TWOC and possibly another Urodynamics test (possibly the least dignified thing I have ever endured: tubes are placed in your bladder and up your bum. You are then sat on a toilet seat with a jug underneath whilst a nurse makes small talk, and simultaneously fills your bladder and bum with cold water until bursting point. If I live to be 100 I would be happy not to have to endure that again...)

There has been talk of an MRI. From the reading I have done, it could still be "one of those things" right down to MS (nerve damage). I have no malignancy, and now I have no endometriosis or prolapses, so those are 3 big causes ruled out.

I'll be honest: it frightens me. I want to get my life back and I want to get back to running. It's hard to see how that is possible with a catheter. Also, the idea of MS is just terrifying. I have to believe that if that were the case I would make the very best of the hand that is dealt to me, but I pray that it's something straightforward. I believe it's uncommon for women to go into total urinary retention, especially younger women. The prime causes are childbirth damage (not applicable to me) or a condition called Fowlers, where one of the urinary sphincters doesn't open properly. I don't believe I have this issue either, as my entire bladder is atonic, and my sphincters seemed fine (and that, my friend, is a phrase I thought I would never write... )

However, let's look at the positives. 8 weeks ago my bladder could do nothing. Now it can pee. Whistling - genuinely - helps. I picked up this tip from a fellow patient on the ward; apparently her Mum was taught to blow down a straw and this helped her train her bladder.

If you imagine a balloon that has been blown up and then deflated, it goes all wrinkly and can't hold it's prior shape. It's very possible that when I had the episode of acute retention in September this is what happened. They drained 2.5 litres from my bladder in one go - that's a big and a small bottle of Coke. It's possible that my bladder just got over stretched and the catheter is just giving it a little holiday whilst the muscle recovers it's tone. That is the explanation that I am thinking is most likely, right now.

Right - now I have filled you in on the medical gossip, I will sign off and eat my dinner. I am feeling loads better than expected after the surgery. I am a bit achy and sore, but that is to be expected, and a bit cabin feverish and grumpy because I am a terrible patient. I have just taken advantage of Craftsy's Black Friday offer and signed up for 7 online craft courses; that should while away the hours of my sick leave and allow me to do something useful with my brain. I had *one* day of daytime television today and it brought on the Grumpy Old Claire show. I promised myself I would do something more productive with my time.

Love 

Claire x 

Big News

Now, depending whether you have read this blog forwards or backwards, you will have an entirely different take on whether this news is positive or negative, lol. Firstly, no, I am not pregnant. Secondly, no, it's not bad news either.  Hoorah.

There are, in fact, 2 pieces of big news. The first big news relates to Mrs Bee's Emporium.

Here is a potted history for anyone who has popped over from my Facebook page (www.facebook.com/mrsbeesemporium if you want to pop the other way!)

History

Dom and I were both made redundant from our jobs as teachers about a year ago. It's been a bit of a stressful year with that and a few other things (my Dad being diagnosed with Dementia, my Mum having a knee replacement and needing me to be their carer - etc etc.) To be honest, both Dom and I struggled with our place in the world after, we both struggled a bit with anxiety and depression too, as the school takeover thing had literally happened overnight. We're loads better now, but spent quite a while wondering what we'd do next (and, if I'm entirely honest, with a bit of "why us?" thrown in too.)

A few years ago I had made a little extra on the side knitting and sewing, so I decided to go back to that as its something I genuinely love. I trained to make bridal and prom dresses and I was genuinely blessed by an amazing reaction, and for that I will be eternally grateful. It really was a bit of sunshine in our lives.

In order to get Dom out of the doldrums, I started asking him to help me out with jobs (other than the childcare!) and he started to get his old confidence back. We eventually decided that he would come into the business too and we'd start a new range that he would manage -- still lovely, stylish, bespoke gift wear, but things that we could make using a professional embroidery machine. I would still continue to handmake the luxury, bespoke range. This seemed like a plan so he went on some business courses, and then put the work into setting up a Limited Company and sourcing all the materials we'd need. We decided we couldn't sit around and wait for life to happen to us, so we'd invest most of the rest of our savings into setting up this new venture.

I had a manageable customer list too, and was able to close my list for Christmas early, with your order included. Everything looked like it might be getting better.

Then I got sick.

The First Piece of Big News:

We have launched the second arm of the business! Whilst I am recovering and pottering around the studio, Dom has been working his socks off setting us up as a Limited Company. Last Friday our ***awesome*** embroidery machine arrived and we have been playing ever since. Here is a taste of what is to come:

We will be producing a line of gorgeously machine embroidered, personalised t shirts, bags, aprons, tea towels and soft toys. We will sell them online and at local craft markets around the Hull and East Yorkshire area.

I am so, so proud of Dom. He really has shown huge strength of character over the past few weeks whilst supporting me through my ill health, running the home, dealing with the children and still putting together this new venture.

It's a bit scary, I will admit. We decided that we could not wait around for life to happen to us, so we invested pretty much all the money we had left in the world and decided we'd give it all we'd got. I don't know if it will work, but I do know that Dom and I work together well, and our skills compliment each other, so it was worth a punt. We don't want to run a multi million pound enterprise, we want to run a business that gives us a decent work/life balance, that enables us to give our children the time they deserve and that gives us the luxury of being able to use our creativity each day. As long as we can pay the bills, I would be very, very happy with that. Fingers crossed.

Last night I went to bed having (yet another) moment of hyperventilation. I came across a quote that seemed apt, and I want to share it here:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed 

by the things you didn't do than the things you did do. 

So throw off the bowlines. 

Sail away from the safe harbour. 

Catch the trade winds in your sails. 

Explore. 

Dream. 

Discover."

Mark Twain

Dom is currently preparing all our stock, ready to be photographed at the end of the week. I will share the lines with you as we get ourselves more into gear. We will be selling through our Facebook Page, Etsy, Folksy and Dom will be attending some local Christmas Fayres. Please get in touch if you'd like an original Christmas present for someone special.

The Second Piece of Big News

I am having my hysterectomy on the 25th November! That is only a couple of weeks away! Eep!

So, in some ways, it probably has come at a pretty bad time. That said, I have felt so unwell for the majority of 2015, and I will be so glad to recover. I know that recovering from major abdominal surgery (in which I am losing 6, possibly 7 organs) is going to be a pretty big deal. But it does mean I can stop the chemo, which means I can lose the side effects, which means I can lose the medication that controls the side effects - and so on. I am praying that the endo hasn't spread too widely (once it has left the uterus and spread into the abdominal cavity it can self perpetuate, even without a uterus. So the more contained it is, the less likely I will need continuing surgery.)

I did not get a diagnosis last week after my cystoscopy. My bladder was extremely angry looking - it looked like it had measles and many, many of the lesions were red raw and bleeding. That would explain why I was peeing blood! But, again, at least it is not cancer. Hooray.

The Consultant wanted me to keep the catheter until I have recovered from the surgery, so the party bag and I will have at least another 3 months together. I do not know if my bladder will wake up once there is more room in my pelvis -- I very much hope so. I think my right kidney is permanently damaged now, sadly. It's very much a "wait and see" diagnosis.

That said, I have been feeling very much more positive about it since I knew it wasn't anything too awful (I was very much afraid of the "big C.") Kidney failure is nothing to be sniffed at, but I am on the other side of it now, and very soon I will be waving goodbye to at least some of the medical regime that has dominated my life for the past few months. It's OK, really. 

And that was my second piece of big news. I am feeling very positive, on the whole. I am very sad that I have had to take a big break from my work, having worked so hard to get momentum going. However, there is nothing I can do, so I am trying to go with the flow and not stress. I am so proud of my husband, though. He really has been the kindest, gentlest, most loving man and I could not have got through the last few weeks without him. I hope, with all my heart, that his new venture is a massive success.

Much love,

Claire x

A Journey of A Thousand Steps

The problem with a journey of a thousand steps is that you have to decide when to start telling your tale. Start too soon, and you don't know you're on a journey at all. It's just Every Day Life. Leave it too long and you miss the nuances, the details and the things that make it charming and tragic. You risk minimising the experience, and then feel the burning shame of regret for ever letting it have bothered you. Yeah, I had depression. Yeah, I know millions do too. Yeah, it took me a good couple of years to recover from that having happened to me (OHMYGOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!)

This year I used my blog as a platform to challenge the Hull Marathon about their inclusivity stance. It got a lot of coverage and interest, although not a lot of movement from Hull Marathon, sadly. Little did I know, as I was using my blog to make my points, fate was laughing at my expense. I wish I believed in Voodoo or Hexes; it would make this easier.

I stopped training for the marathon mid August. I was too unwell. I had run several long, long runs (16, 18 miles) having had to spend most of the day in bed in preparation for the effort, and then needing to take several days to recover. There is a balance point and, even though I hated myself for it, I realised that it was all pain and no reward. It took me the best part of a month to admit to myself that I had given up.

The night before the marathon I had such severe pelvic pain I was admitted to A&E. They, like I, assumed it was my gynaecological issues (adenomyosis, endometriosis and ovarian cysts). I was sent away with Tramodol and an appointment for the emergency gynae clinic.

That night I went to bed, the same as  every night for the last 41 years.

I have never peed again.


I have had two months of hospital admissions, A&E, inpatients, invasive and degrading tests, pain and catheters. Two months of feeling dreadfully unwell. Two months of being entirely absorbed by my bodily excretions. Who knew you could become so knowledgable about piss?

It has been a profound shock to cease to be unable to perform a bodily function that is necessary for life. If I had lived a hundred years ago, I would be dead now. That is a very strange and uncomfortable thought.

I've not blogged because I don't have a diagnosis yet. The gynae stuff is still there. I am still taking Prostap (a chemo injection that is used in cases of Prostate cancer, that also seems to help endometriosis sufferers) and still experiencing all the side effects that that generally causes. It's horrible. I have not felt well since starting this regime. Now I have the urological stuff happening too. So far, my kidneys have proven to be pretty much fucked (one is shrivelled and does very little - "atrophic" being the proper medical terminology and the other, good kidney has substantial scarring and cysts.) My bladder is fucked - the muscles have given up. They don't do a darned thing. That's atrophic too. I feel for that good kidney, scarred as it is, dragging along its atrophic twin and sibling. That good kidney, with all its battle scars and lumps and bumps, is what keeps me between life and death.

That is a very strange, very uncomfortable feeling.

Tomorrow I am having a cystoscopy with the Consultant - he basically shoves a camera up your pee hole and has a nose around. I am at once horrified and curious. Its not so much the dropping your knickers to anyone who asks (and, believe me, I am entirely brazen about this now) but the feeling of being invaded by someone you don't know. Ugh. The one thing that I am anxious about with the hysterectomy I am due next month is the idea of someone accessing my vagina whilst I am unconscious. I *know* its surgery and I *know* they're professionals. This comes from a deeper place and the very thought of it makes my blood run cold.

That said, I have been peeing blood for two days and pretty much unable to sit down. I want to look my enemy in the eye, so to speak. I don't know if mine has eyes. It has horns, I am pretty sure. I am very curious to see this bladder that has caused me so much trouble of late.

The diagnoses range from "it'll get better on its own" to a gynae prolapse, to cancer and MS. It is very hard to get your head around the difference in severity. I am trying not to think too much about it, which is pretty much impossible. I have already told my husband that he does not have to stay with me if I have some awful, disabling, lifelong illness. At 3am it didn't feel like I was in the throes of melodrama, although I am embarrassed to commit it to paper now.

I started this blog post in the hope it'd be light and witty and amusing. However, within a couple of hundred words, I am staring humourlessly at the truth I have been trying hard to avoid (except when it's 3am, natch.)

Fuck.

Elephants and Rooms

I've been fretting about writing this post for far too long. My blog has been a place I have recorded my achievements, my sadnesses and my stories. It has evolved as I have. I started this blog when I was in a very dark place with depression and I needed a safe place to explore my feelings. It didn't matter to me that other people could read them - and as time has gone on it still doesn't matter, as I know from the emails that I get that people read my words and are comforted by them. It's a privilege to be able to do that.

Over the past 6 years lots has changed. I have been in good places and GREAT places. If this had been a happy ever after story, then my blog would have ended there. However, 2015 has been an especially tough year and I have not really wanted to talk about it. I have not been depressed, but I have been anxious as hell. Its been stressful because its been a stressful set of circumstances so I have not needed to talk about it.

However, hard as I try to look for the positives in a bid to start forward momentum (and some days there are much more light than shade) I don't feel as though I can blog honestly without mentioning the elephant in the room. I don't think I have much to say on the matter (although the next 15 minutes might surprise even me!) so I have decided to list everything that has happened as a bullet point list. You can then make up your own minds, and I can move forward with trying to be optimistic as that's my thing, without feeling insincere or foolish.

So...

1) I lost the job I loved. You might say I was bullied out of it my a new regime in a hostile takeover, but that's pretty controversial. I loved my job and I loved the people I helped. I was exhausted and I grieved for what I lost. I tried anti-depressants but they made me worse and decided to try to go without. I am still without. Never sure whether this was the right decision, to be honest.

2) My husband was made redundant. Neither of us had a job and we still had 3 children.

3) My husband had a breakdown. His career was so key to his identity that this was a blow he couldn't get past without huge emotional trauma.

4) The people who did the redundancies chose to do so in the most spiteful, personal way I have ever known. I shall not make further comment about this again in my blog because it's not my story to tell, but even the Union representative said they had never experienced anything like it. Why show humanity when you can twist the knife? This comes from my observation of what happened, by the way, not my husband. Obviously it made point 3 much worse and watching someone you love suffer is really, really shitty.

5) My reaction to all this was an OCD flair, according to my doctor. It has now gone, I think, thankfully.

5) My Dad was diagnosed with 2 types of dementia and needed a lot of care and support. He has several other ongoing health issues - COPD and cataracts to name but two and has needed 3 surgeries to date. I have helped my parents deal with every health professional we can think of who might be able to help. They are all desperately under-funded and there is little that can be done for Dad. It's all fire-fighting, last minute, long, ineffective, hugely time consuming and stressful for everyone -- but especially for my Dad. His defence mechanism is to fall asleep whilst someone is talking to him, so I pretty much have to go everywhere with him.

6) My Mum - Dad's main carer - had a total knee replacement and was off her feet for a good 2 months, during which time I needed to visit daily - sometimes more often - and care for them both, do their shopping, cook their meals and so on.

7) My brother left his wife and came to live with us for 2 months

8) My son had several visits to choose a university and eventually chose Leeds. He took his A levels (stressful time for everyone) but passed with flying colours and is about to start a degree in Medical Science. I am so proud of him that my heart bursts, but this process has taken quite a lot more emotional work than I expected, especially as I have been preparing him to live alone. He moves out  in 8 days. I expecting to feel very sad.

9) Colleagues and friends: 2 have had heart attacks, one lovely man in his 50s died. One ended her life by jumping off the Humber bridge. One was diagnosed, then died, of motor neurone disease. One was murdered.

10) I have had significant health problems. I have been diagnosed with adenomyosis, endometriosis, a hormone disorder and ovarian cysts. I have two types of pain; chronic and acute. Living with pain is exhausting both emotionally and physically. I am on many types of medication - the main being Prostap, a type of chemotherapy for prostate cancer. It gives me migraines, makes me incredibly moody, stressed and tearful. As well as the vast array of painkillers (paracetamol, ibuprofen, mefanamic acid, tranexamic acid, naproxen, cocodamol, tramadol) I also take medication to combat the side effects of the Prostate - beta blockers (they slow down your heart rate, which makes running near impossible), sleeping tablets, HRT, ranitidine and omeprazole.) It's just URGH. I spend most of my days in pain, exhausted, slow, numbed, stressed and moody.

IT WILL GO AWAY ONCE I HAVE MY SURGERY :)

Hooray for that day. I have been on the waiting list for 10 weeks. The wait is approximately 12-16 weeks. I need a radical hysterectomy where they will remove 7 organs, but bring it on.

11) My darling daughter has not slept for more than a couple of hours at a time for the last six months. Yes, I know this is pretty normal for 2 and 3 year olds but, with everything else that is happening, it is killing me. Sleep deprivation is a method of torture.

12) As a result of the above two points I have had to stop running :( :( I am very, very sad about this. I got up to 18 miles in my training but the pain and the exhaustion meant I was running ever slower and literally crying through my runs. I had a moment when, after a particularly awful spell, I couldn't even do 5k. I sobbed all the way home and most of that night. I decided I needed to give myself a break. The problem with marathon training is that it exhausts you for the rest of the week, and I just did not have that energy to give, or the ability to shelve any of my responsibilities.

I have withdrawn from the Hull Marathon (which is tomorrow) and the Yorkshire Marathon. I have not run since that awful day above. I feel sick with the idea of even attending. I cannot run because I am afraid of failing, and I just don't have the emotional resources to fail right now.

I do have a plan though. I am going to go for a walk each day, and then I am going to do Couch 2 5K again. It may well be after my op, a couple of months into my recovery. I am not going to give up on this, but I have to give myself the gift of "not now" and fight the demons that I have given up because I am weak. That's harder than I imagined it would be.

13) We have started our own business. This is a bittersweet thing. 10 months of job applications have not proved especially fruitful, so Dom and I decided we needed to grab life by the balls. I LOVE it. It is going well but, like any new business, demands all hours of your day. This is harder when your attention span is rubbish, but I am trying my best.

I think that is everything for now. Next week Florrie starts school and Jonny leaves home. That is going to be a big week too. Dom is running the marathon, and I have to fight my demons on that one, but I will hoik up my big girl pants and be brave.

2016 will be awesome. If I have been absent, aloof, moody, grumpy or generally annoying, please accept my heartfelt apologies. Thank you for understanding.

Now I have explained all of this, I can go back to blogging positively with my eyes very much on the future.

Much love

Claire x

PS I shall not be letting the Hull Marathon off the hook next year! :D

PPS I have many, many wonderful blessings: friends, family, cheerleaders and so on. I am - and always will be - incredibly grateful for them. I don't want this to read as a "poor me" post, but I needed to let you know what had been going on in order to move forward authentically.

Runner Of The Month

Well hello, world. Hope you are all OK and rocking the last few days of summer.

It's been a busy summer here - I have been head down in fabric, needle and cotton for most of it and have made a lot of lovely tents, teepees and princess dresses which has been an absolute pleasure. More details about my sewing activities are here: www.facebook.com/mrsbeesemporium. Do come and join us.

There has been a lot going on family wise recently. This summer my Mum has had her knee replaced and my Dad, very sadly, has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers. I have been spending as much time as possible with them helping them out. They've both come a long way and are learning to make lemonade with their new lives.

Jonathan, my eldest son, both fell in love and aced his A levels. He ended up with 3 grade As and a B. He's off to Leeds Uni soon to study Medical Science. I could not be prouder of him. We're off to Ikea tomorrow to fill the car up with mugs, chopping boards, meatballs, pans and the various other accoutrements that students need.

I FEEL OLD.

As for me, it was a delight and a privilege to be voted "Fat Runner of the Month" on the "Fat Girl's Guide To Running."

You can follow this link and hear me put the world to rights :) I would be very happy to hear your thoughts on some of the issues raised too.

Speak soon

Claire x

http://toofattorun.co.uk/runner-of-the-month-claire-boynton/



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AUGUST 28, 2015

So in the second of our Runner of the Month features sponsored by protein drink UFit I would like to introduce you to 41 year old East Yorkshire lass Claire Boynton…who recently caused a bit of a media storm in relation to the Hull Marathon and their unadvertised cut off time of 6 hours  (You can read her open letter to them here, we like a bit of controversy around these here parts)

Where do you live?              

I live in a cottage in East Yorkshire, right on Sunk Island – a huge area of farmland reclaimed from the sea. It’s pretty, and it’s flat – ideal for running.

When did you start running and why? 

I started running on 8th January 2013. I started couch 2 5K. I had been curious about my friends who enjoyed running for some time, and rather fancied the simplicity of it. I have always hated exercise, partly because everything I had done since leaving school was dance / aerobics based and I’m laughably un-coordinated.

I wanted to lose weight (I am currently a size 16) because I had been through a string of health problems (anxiety and depression leading to a full breakdown; ME/CFS; gall stones; gestational diabetes; a scan that discovered I only had one working kidney.) I realized that, if I wanted any quality of life, I needed to change my habits. That said, I had absolutely no confidence that I would succeed with running. The idea was preposterous. So I started running in secret.

Did you run a lot when you were younger?

No. I was always the last to be picked at school, almost last in cross country. At the age of 12 I realized it was cooler to not try than to try and fail, so sport stopped being something I participated in.

What do you love and hate about the sport of running?

Love – there is so much to love! I love the sense of freedom when you are out in the countryside, watching nature. My mind settles into a calm rhythm. Sometimes my mind is active and I have a good think, sometimes my mind is just blank. I love setting and meeting goals, and learning new things about myself. I love the feel of my developing muscles under my skin, where once there was only soft flesh. I love the people running has brought into my life, and the nurturing support they give. I love how I feel after I’ve run, especially when I’ve had a shower and I’m wearing compression socks. My friend calls it ‘smagony’ – smug agony. She’s not wrong.

Mostly, however, I love that I have been able to make myself succeed in sport – I always believed it was not for me. If I can do that, what else is possible?

Hate – finding the right running shoes. I have really wide feet and still haven’t got this cracked. Sometimes I can end up with 14 blisters. I also have Morton’s Neuroma on my left foot and Plantar Fasciitis on the right – ouch.

I get terrible nerves before long runs when I’m marathon training. They say the battle is mostly psychological, and this rings true for me. It’s hard to put your all into something when you know that, most likely, you’ll come last. It’s even harder when you know some people think you shouldn’t even be there. I do it because, if I don’t, who will? Us slower runners need to participate in order to normalize plus sized running. Sometimes you just have to wear your big girl pants and face it out directly.

How often do you run? What kind of distances do you run in training?

I try to run three times a week – 5k at Parkrun, 5k at my running club and a long slow run – I’m currently up to 18 miles and will peak at 20. I run at the Hull East Park parkrun and I love my parkrun family – there are around 500 runners. I love to see the faces of dog walkers who don’t know about parkrun when 500 fluorescent, lycra-clad runners stream by.

Have you taken part in any races? 

Yes, my husband and I do lots of racing. This year we have bought the season ticket to the Jane Tomlinson series – 4 x 10ks, 2 x half marathons and 1 x full marathon. We’re also running the Hull Marathon on 13th September.

My first race was the Jane Tomlinson Hull 10K in May 2013 – I was terrified. I started sprinting when I saw the 800m to the finish sign, as I was delighted that I was close to the end. I had no idea that 800m is twice around an athletics track! I hadn’t walked for the entire race and was determined that I wouldn’t start walking when the finish line was in sight. I nearly collapsed over the line! I’ve never made that mistake again.

My first Marathon was the Yorkshire Marathon in October 2014. Again, I was sick with nerves when I started, and I doubted that I could finish. I did finish – in 6hrs 50 mins – and was on such a natural high it lasted for a week! I’ve never experienced anything more emotional in my life. My marathon story is here (its a great read)

Have you had any negative experiences whilst out running?

Very few. I once took place in a 10K race held by a local running club. I finished last. They posted a video on YouTube, and the two marshalls were moaning to each other about having to wait for me. I felt so humiliated.

A teenage boy, flanked by two smirking teenage girls, once shouted, sarcastically “ooh, you’re a good runner!” I did the mature thing, and responded with “yeah? And you have a tiny penis.” (Cough, Cough)

What are your biggest fears or concerns about being a plus sized runner?

I worry that I am not taken as seriously as faster runners. I have recently challenged our local marathon about their inclusivity as they retrospectively imposed a six hour limit after I signed up.

I believe there is a glass ceiling as far as marathons are concerned. It’s OK for plus sized runners to take part in 10Ks, or charity runs, or walking marathons, or Race For Life – the jolly charity fundraising image of the plus size runner is acceptable. But serious plus sized runners? No. A newspaper comment I recently read said “it is an insult to athletes to call plus sized runners athletes” and there are plenty who think like this. It’s simply discrimination and we should face it down whenever we encounter it. Exercise is a good for fat bodies as it is for thin ones. If you run, you are a runner.

I know there are a lot of people who judge plus sized runners as not taking the sport seriously enough – or assume that if you are a plus sized runner you must be wanting to lose weight.

I may have an extra layer of padding, but I have run a marathon and I can run more. Yes, it might take me close to 7 hours, but I still deserve to be taken seriously. A 14 minute mile is as far as a 9 minute mile, and marathons are about endurance.

I recently received a message from a faster runner who said that, at my speed, I should have asked the Race Director for personal permission to run the marathon – despite no time limit being advertised. He argued that I should just run more frequently and train harder like the faster runners. I asked him whatever gave him the impression that I didn’t run 3 or 4 times a week, and didn’t give my all to my training? It’s a misconception. It might be easier for faster runners to run at 12 minute miles, but it’s hard for me and I give as much effort as they do.

I also get really fed up with non-runners worrying about my knees!

What is your ultimate running goal and what’s stopping you from getting there?

I’d like to run an ultra marathon – and fear is the only thing stopping me. That, and childcare. (Tell me about it)

I’d also like to run a sub 30 5K, but at the moment I have some gynecological problems and am awaiting a hysterectomy. A combination of the conditions themselves, and the medications (e.g. I am taking beta blockers that slow your heart rate, to combat the migraine side effect caused by another medication I need) means that my pace has slowed. I’m trying to be OK with this – I’m determined not to give up, above all else. I’ve never been very fast, but I do think I’ve been treated less well as I have slowed down.

What could the government, local authorities, sports clubs etc do to encourage more people to take up running and sport, especially overweight and inactive women?

I think women respond really well to emotional support. We need lots of peer support groups where women support other women to achieve their goals, at a local level as well as online. (Look out in 2016 for the roll out of Too Fat to Run clubs around the UK which will be offering exactly this)

I think running clubs need to find more diverse ways of engaging plus sized women and this needs to have an element of confidence building integral to the running support. Plenty of running groups start with 1mile or 5k as the starting group – there’s no way I would have joined a group like this when I started as it took me a long time to be confident that I could run that far. We need more walking / run walking / couch 2 5K groups to encourage women to try running for the first time.

There also needs to be a clearer route to further distances. I have known lots of women complete Couch 2 5K because they like the structure of the sessions, but then stop running once they are left to their own devices. If we are producing women who can run 5K, we need to continue providing the same sort of support to help them achieve longer distances. I’m currently trying Jeff Galloway’s Run-Walk-Run and have found my pace has improved! It really reminds me of Couch 2 5 K and I think we should encourage C25K graduates to have a look at it.

We need to develop a culture where adults can set their own goals – I have been told that I need to be “more realistic” and improve my 10K speed before progressing to marathon distance. This was after I had completed a marathon! Why should these events only be for faster runners? Distance running is about endurance, and that has nothing to do with my size!

What are the biggest barriers for plus sized women?

Confidence is a huge barrier. It would make a difference if we could easily buy pretty running kit! If you look good, you feel good. I don’t want to look like a sausage bursting out of its skin, thank you very much.

The dearth of role models impacts not only plus sized women, but other runners who see us as an oddity.

Another barrier that is common to all women, not just plus sized ones, is how busy our lives are. Women tend to take on more than their fair share of childcare, work, household management and so on. I think we would all benefit from running women sharing how they manage to fit exercise into their daily lives. For example, when I’m doing a long run, I sometimes split it into two runs on the same day, so I can fit in the school run, for example. Or I put the toddler to bed and go out and run until its dark – or I run to running club, do a run there and run home again (its 6 miles each way, so this really adds up.) This might not be the way that Mo trains, but running on tired legs hasn’t done me any harm so far, and has allowed me to fit running in with my family responsibilities.

What is the best bit of running advice you have ever been given?

I use the mantra “I’m tough, I’m strong, I’m moving” when I’m starting to struggle. During my marathon I also visualised scooping down into myself to collect energy. This was a trick by Hal Higdon and it worked really well for me.

Do you think runners are defined by the speed they run?

Absolutely, and I think this is wrong. Running is not complicated; we make it so. It’s simply putting one foot in front of the other. One of the brilliant things about running is that, by its nature, its inclusive. You don’t need a lot of money or fancy kit or a gym membership; you can run as far as you want and as fast or slow as you want.

Running clubs should accept that adults can set their own goals, and that it’s perfectly OK to work on distance before (or even without) speed. If we are to have a lifelong relationship with running, then it’s not possible to always get faster. PBs become harder to achieve – indeed, like me, you might get slower for a while. It doesn’t mean the end, though! We should accept that it’s OK to lace up your shoes and get out there regardless of the speed or distance. We should reward resilience, as well as speed. Exercise is beneficial however you take it.

Do you think there has been an increase in profile for plus size fitness in the last 12 months?

Yes, I think the #This Girl Can campaign has been instrumental in this. We still need to get the word out that fitness has as many advantages to the slower runner as it does the faster runner. How can we be telling people that they are personally responsible for their own obesity, yet excluding them from races they want to participate in?

There is still plenty of work to be done, but we are making progress.

Has the Fat Girls Guide to Running helped you in any way, if so how?

It has given me the confidence that I do deserve to be a runner. I feel strongly that we should point out discrimination whenever we see it and the Fat Girls Guide To Running has helped me feel that I can do this.

Running should be about effort. It’s that simple.

And finally, as part of our new partnership with the Protein Company we will be sending you some uFit protein drinks to help with your training. Have you used protein drinks before and how do you think you might get on with them? 

Yes, I picked up one of these little beauties after a long training run a couple of weeks ago, so looking forward to receiving some more to hell me in the lead up to my next big race.

If you know someone who would make a great Runner of the Month why not put them forward for September by emailing help@toofattorun.co.uk